Ah, Regret.

CakeSpy: Lump-Tested, Unicorn-Approved

S0 I was wandering through the streets of Capitol Hill one recent Saturday afternoon, trying to choose from one of the 18 coffee shops in my direct line of vision (a wannabe coffee snob: possibly the only thing worse than a real one), when a splash of bright pink in a store window caught my eye:

Fig. 1: Spotted.

Surly meets sweet.


Update: BGICT = TITC (Trapped in the Closet)?
Mon, 29 June 2009, 2:40 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , , ,


So here’s a somewhat disappointing follow-up to my previous post.  It would seem that the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck (BGICT)–the news of which whipped up a coneful of internet frenzy (with rainbow sprinkles on top) and inspired my new Big Gay Career Plan (BGCP)–is more elusive than a unicorn.  And I don’t mean a unicorn in this blog (where you can see one in every paragraph if you look hard enough)–I mean a unicorn in the wild.

The Big Gay Saga (BGS) continues.

An open ecard to Shelley Su
Tue, 9 June 2009, 5:37 pm
Filed under: Open ecards | Tags: , , , ,


This ninth day of June marks a truly historic occasion: the birth of none other than the Original Motherfucker*.  And so, dear readers, won’t you raise your tequila glasses and join me in a toast to that pork belly-loving, chopstick-wielding, slideshow-making, graphic-tee-wearing, drunk-dialing Asian audiophile, SHELLEY SU!  Happy birthday!  And many motherfucking more…




*Because she just is.  Trust us.

How the Dyke Stole Hxmas, Part III: Yes, Val-ginia, there is a Santa Claus

(You thought that said “vagina”, didn’t you!  Clearly you’ve been reading this blog too much.)  OK FINE people, I’ll admit it: thanks to your outpouring of xmas-y guest posts, comments, and gchats, it has recently come to my attention that I like more things about xmas than I originally thought I did.  


[Image: Chicago Tribune.  Mad props to Colin.]

It’s like that time Charlie Brown finally learned what xmas is all about. (Except I’m probably more of a Peppermint Patty.)  Anyway, let’s see what you guys came up with!


LTC 2008!

Last Friday at approximately 10:00 AM I informed Shelley Su that it was LTC time.  I said “LTC” because abbrevs sound way cooler than complete words.  Besides, when it comes to full words, TNET (there’s never enough time)!!

Anyway, I always assume that everyone knows the meanings of all the initials/acronyms in the Val vernacular.  Apparently not.  However, anytime you don’t quite get my meaning, remember that a) it’s probably dirty/inappropriate; and b) context clues can help.  For example, in this case, it was mid-morning on a work day.  What was the one thing I could really use under those circumstances?  Exactly!  A Lunch-Time Cocktail.  (I should note that I stole this phrase from Erin… but it’s mine now!)

Shelley may not have known what LTC stood for, but that didn’t stop her from taking a stab at it.  And I think the following guess shows that not only is Shelley clever, but she knows me frighteningly well:  

me: LTC time !!
Shelley: what’s ltc? lesbian tequila conference?

Brilliant.  How did I never think of this?  Let’s have a lesbian tequila conference!

LTC 2008!

LTC 2008!

Well, I suppose I’ve had LTCs (of sorts) before.  I mean I’m a lesbian, and I’ve drunk tequila with at least one other person (regret loves company!).  But maybe we could do something more official, like rent out a hotel conference room and order a Winehouse-worthy 48 bottles of tequila.  And we could have guest lectures!

“Tequila-Induced Motherfuckerness” (The OMF)

“I’m Gay but I Like My Tequila Straight (Up)” (me)

“Thoughts on the Relationship Between Drinking Tequila and Sending Unrequited Late-Night Text Messages to Straight Girls” (Alex)

“Ew, Tequila Tastes Like a Foot” (Erin)

Wow, I think this conference has the potential to produce that perfect mixture of fun and regret that I hope to achieve every time I unscrew a cap, pop a cork, crack open a can, etc etc.  

LTC ’08… who’s in?  I mean–out.  Or toeing the line (and able to be lured back out of the closet by tequila)?

Feeling worse than Cindy McCain without her painkillers
Fri, 3 October 2008, 2:52 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

“She held her own!'”  “She didn’t do too badly.”

OK am I SERIOUSLY hearing these statements with regards to Sarah Palin’s little performance last night?!  I’ve always maintained that “Americans are so stupid,” but I thought this statement applied to neither a) myself [still true!]; or b) people I know and respect [still true???].

You guys.  Palin did not “do pretty well.”  Yes, she did manage to meet the unbelievably LOW expectations (just stand there, recite the script, and don’t say anything about dinosaurs) that were set for her.  Yes, she did say “maverick” at least 18,000 times.  Per minute.  Yes, she did smile, look cute, and give a “shoutout” to an elementary school (?!?!?!!?).  But do any of these things make her even remotely qualified to RUN THIS COUNTRY after McCain’s 72 year-old heart beats its final angry beat?  First of all, I just threw up in my mouth.  And secondly, NO!

The appropriate reaction to Palin’s appearance in the debate last night is a mixture of smug amusement, disbelief, outrage, nausea, sadness, and an overwhelming feeling of defeat combined with the urge to move to Canada for real, not just threaten it this time.  So unless your comments are going to reflect the aforementioned sentiments, I suggest you go share them with someone who is not a very liberal, college-educated, condescending, crabby, pessimistic, easily outraged, snarky, surly, anti-stupidity-in-the-White-House elitist (i.e. ME).

I know I’ve poked fun at Palin numerous times in this blog, but the more I realize that most people in America don’t get the joke, the less I feel like joking around anymore.

Shelley, you were wrong.  I didn’t need tequila in my nalgene last night; I need it today.

Monday, motherfuckers!
Mon, 8 September 2008, 3:16 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: ,

Honestly you guys, I like Mondays a lot better when they’re day-off-from-work national holidays.  And if they can’t be that, then they should at least be less busy, because I need more time between 9 AM and 5 PM to focus on blogging.  

Although if I obey the commands of a certain sassy Asian (“Val, keep blogging!  I don’t care if it interferes with your job.”) then perhaps I’ll lose said pesky job and free up my entire schedule for this far more entertaining–yet far less lucrative–pursuit.  YAY!!!!

I’ll work on that.  In the mean time, please direct your attention to another lady of the Asian variety, whose facial expression in this picture rather befits a Monday kind of mood (also motherfuckerness in general), wouldn’t you say?