Ah, Regret.

CakeSpy: Lump-Tested, Unicorn-Approved

S0 I was wandering through the streets of Capitol Hill one recent Saturday afternoon, trying to choose from one of the 18 coffee shops in my direct line of vision (a wannabe coffee snob: possibly the only thing worse than a real one), when a splash of bright pink in a store window caught my eye:

Fig. 1: Spotted.

Surly meets sweet.


How the Dyke Stole Hxmas!

It has recently come to my attention (read: the office xmas tree just got assembled) that it is now officially that time of year known as “xmastime” (see Fig. 1 and Fig. 2).

[Fig. 1] Everyone else (who isn't Jewish or whatnot) at xmastime.

Fig. 1: Everyone else (who isn't Jewish or whatnot) at xmastime.


Fig. 2: Me at xmastime.

Get the picture?

A loooot more grinchiness.

Just in case my mind wasn’t made up long ago regarding the prospect of bearing children…
Thu, 6 November 2008, 5:17 pm
Filed under: Other Whimsy | Tags:

“I can’t move anymore…I’m a beached whale!” Rebecca Romijn tells Page Six magazine on being preggers with the twin girls she’s expecting with hubby Jerry O’Connell.  [E! Online]

Um... no.

Um... no.

Feeling worse than Cindy McCain without her painkillers
Fri, 3 October 2008, 2:52 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

“She held her own!'”  “She didn’t do too badly.”

OK am I SERIOUSLY hearing these statements with regards to Sarah Palin’s little performance last night?!  I’ve always maintained that “Americans are so stupid,” but I thought this statement applied to neither a) myself [still true!]; or b) people I know and respect [still true???].

You guys.  Palin did not “do pretty well.”  Yes, she did manage to meet the unbelievably LOW expectations (just stand there, recite the script, and don’t say anything about dinosaurs) that were set for her.  Yes, she did say “maverick” at least 18,000 times.  Per minute.  Yes, she did smile, look cute, and give a “shoutout” to an elementary school (?!?!?!!?).  But do any of these things make her even remotely qualified to RUN THIS COUNTRY after McCain’s 72 year-old heart beats its final angry beat?  First of all, I just threw up in my mouth.  And secondly, NO!

The appropriate reaction to Palin’s appearance in the debate last night is a mixture of smug amusement, disbelief, outrage, nausea, sadness, and an overwhelming feeling of defeat combined with the urge to move to Canada for real, not just threaten it this time.  So unless your comments are going to reflect the aforementioned sentiments, I suggest you go share them with someone who is not a very liberal, college-educated, condescending, crabby, pessimistic, easily outraged, snarky, surly, anti-stupidity-in-the-White-House elitist (i.e. ME).

I know I’ve poked fun at Palin numerous times in this blog, but the more I realize that most people in America don’t get the joke, the less I feel like joking around anymore.

Shelley, you were wrong.  I didn’t need tequila in my nalgene last night; I need it today.

Whose Blog is it Anyway?
Fri, 19 September 2008, 12:33 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

As many of you are certainly aware (since you’re the ones doing it!), I have recently been subject to a barrage of gchats/blog comments/texts/emails/phone calls/faxes demanding that I 1) post more; 2) post about [insert subject here]; 3) post more about [insert reader’s name here].  

OK first of all, do you people have any idea how long some of these posts take to write (especially while ostensibly doing “work” for my actual job [or at least appearing to be doing so])?  Also I might add that it is somewhat tricky/time-consuming to covertly edit photos of Lindsay Lohan on MS Paint (with a computer screen that is potentially visible to passers-by).  But you know what, every day I make the ultimate sacrifice and I do it, and you don’t hear me complaining.  (Just kidding!  You sure do.  But Wix said I should feel free to post complaints in this thing, so you have her to thank.)

Anyways, aside from feeling the need to lecture you guys, I also had another feeling today: inspiration.  That’s right, you complainy readers have inspired me.  Clearly when it comes to my blog, you have (*sniffle*) a lot of feelings, so I want YOU to get involved.

Have you ever seen Whose Line is it Anyway? (the American version or its superior British predecessor)?  Perhaps you’re familiar with the concept of “audience suggestions”.  For some of the games, the host would ask the audience to shout out ideas, or he would select from a hat full of slips of paper with ideas written by audience members beforehand.  It was fun and exciting because the performers were forced to work with hilariously random and/or over-the-top subject matter.

Well, now it’s your turn.  Hit me!  Fire off some audience suggestions in comment form, and I’ll pick one and write a post on it.  You can be as vague (“music”) or specific (“Alex’s crush on then-11-year-old Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap“) as you please.  List as many ideas as you want.  Fill me with regret for writing this post.

You’re shaking your head in dismay.  “So now she’s too damn lazy to come up with her own ideas,” you’re saying.  Well, guess what my friend?  You are CORRECT.  Surly lumps have very limited stores of energy, and they are easily depleted by strenuous thought.  So please, do the thinking for me, or else I won’t have enough energy to make it to happy hour this evening.  Thanks in advance.

Well this episode of SNL should be sufficiently awkward.
Thu, 28 August 2008, 3:50 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags:

Because it is going to be hosted by Mr. Butterworth himself (*cringe*).  Um, fawk.

If Looks Could Kill… or be Spread on Toast

I know this is just going to make you guys think I’m still not over the whole Stephanie Rice-Michael Phelps thing (I so am!), but whatever, it still needs to be said.

As my most devoted readers will note, I have referred (in a post about Rice, haaa) to the aforementioned dolphin-man as “not a bad looking guy.” However, I should clarify that those not-too-bad looks are primarily to be found below his chin. I mean seriously people, this is a body that has never known the meaning of “beer”, “saturated fat”, or “lounging around”. But let’s face (pun intended) it, it can be hard for a face to live up to an impossibly chiseled physique.

So we all agree on this fact, but how can we put it more succinctly in everyday conversation, using a hilarious slang word? Easy:

Phelps is a butterface.

(I sure wish I could take credit for this word usage, but in reality we have gaycondo to thank. Though I should note that Erin has been using the term “butterface” for years now.)

That’s right, he’s that fine-lookin’ gal or guy you spot from across the room, but by the time you get close enough to deliver your favorite pick-up line you realize that god created this particular work of art during his Abstract period. As Erin would say, “good from afar but far from good.”

If this post makes you think I’m not only shallow but also mean, I have news for you: I am. However, I will allow that Phelps is not the only one plagued by this imbalance on the face/body scale. Another person that comes to mind is–and feel free to disagree with me here–yours truly.

People have claimed that I have a “trim” body, and whether this assessment (ASS-essment, if you will) is true or not, the fact remains that at times the corresponding face looks like this:

(If you do somehow find this mug attractive and want to see more, just come over and feed me a whole bunch of tequila.)