Ah, Regret.


And for the lump on your list…
Tue, 21 December 2010, 12:37 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

Dear readers, xmas is upon us, and my gingerbread heart is heavy.  And not just because we overdid it with the rainbow M&M roof decorations.  No, it’s just that each year, as everyone scrambles at the last minute to buy the perfect thing for every single person on their list, I can’t help but feel a little empty inside.

If “A Charlie Brown Christmas” or the greeting cards my mom sends me are any indication, xmas is supposed to be about peace, love, and Jesus; instead, it’s about iPads.  Although I’m sure there’s some sort of Bible app available.  But that’s besides the point!  Frenzied, mindless consumerism pervades every aspect of this modern life.  It’s depressing, you guys.

And, lo…

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The Yuletide GAY.

OK, people (and by “people” I mean the three of you who googled “snooki hair bump” to find this blog), it’s xmastime, and that can mean only one thing: my gay little heart is bursting with a whole gingerbread house full of red and green (and the rest of Roy G. Biv) feelings.  Let’s eat.

Yum.



Vallie & Vallia

vallie_vallia

Where to begin?  Well, to paraphrase Eric B & Rakim (seems like a good starting point!), It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you / without a new blog to step to.

What?  Sometimes it’s just easier to say things in a song, OK?!  Anyway.  First of all, I have what I believe to be an excellent excuse for not having written in so long: I moved!  (That is, we–as in Erin [is easily outraged] and I–moved.)  That’s right, we said goodbye to Sunny Boulder and hello to Rain City–Seattle, here we are!  (Cue the sound of a thousand unicorns stampeding northwestward.)

Based on the Sad But True Story.



An open ecard to Shelley Su
Tue, 9 June 2009, 5:37 pm
Filed under: Open ecards | Tags: , , , ,

omf_bday_09

This ninth day of June marks a truly historic occasion: the birth of none other than the Original Motherfucker*.  And so, dear readers, won’t you raise your tequila glasses and join me in a toast to that pork belly-loving, chopstick-wielding, slideshow-making, graphic-tee-wearing, drunk-dialing Asian audiophile, SHELLEY SU!  Happy birthday!  And many motherfucking more…

 

 

 

*Because she just is.  Trust us.



Paw, Regret.
Wed, 3 June 2009, 12:29 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

bunny

Do pets have regrets?  

Overzealous dog owners would say yes.   (But considering their impassioned–bordering on hysterical!–declarations of obnoxiously exaggerated pet abilities, perhaps we should ignore these people.) Conventional scientific wisdom would say no.  (Curse us uneducated masses and our damned Disney anthropomorphism!)  But now the Times is saying, “Perhaps!”  In his article “In Tucked Tail, Pangs of Regret?“, John Tierny takes a look at some emerging evidence on the subject.

Dear Heathie, No Regrets. Your Cat, Major Tom.



I didn’t text you last night. TEQUILA texted you from my phone…

Oh my goodness, it’s been WAY too long.  My blogging fingers are getting fat!  (Alex: insert “finger” joke here.)  Time to give them a workout.  (More finger jokes!)

Speaking of fingers, sometimes our fingers do certain things when we’re drunk that we later regret.  Yeah, I don’t know what you were thinking, but I was referring to Texts From Last Night.  (Thanks Colin and all of you people who have the link on your MyFacePage/GTwitterChat/Thingamablogs.)  If you (somehow!) haven’t seen this site yet, you really need to take a look.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

txt_ecard

The concept is brilliant: a forum in which one can immortalize one’s regrettable (presumably–hopefully?–drunk) text messages from the previous night.  Perfect!  Don’t prevent regret; let it happen, and then celebrate it!  Why does regret continue to have this stigma of being “shameful”?  Regret can be funny!  (You can post it on the internet to entertain all of your friends!)

For example:

Dear Tequila, No Regrets



Dykey Old Men
Wed, 25 March 2009, 8:38 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

So.  Here at unicorn central, we’ve talked about old lesbians, and we’ve talked about men who (reeeallylove lesbians, but there’s one fascinating demographic we have yet to discuss:  men who look like old lesbians.  

What?  Well… it’s just one of those things that you have to see for yourself.  From Cracked.com, here is a list of The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.  (It’s like a much harsher-on-the-eyes version of AfterEllen.com’s Top 10 Lesbian-ish Men.)

First of all, a note to my, um, mature lesbian readers.  Ladies, this post is NOT about you!  I think you’re very pretty, and you’re not even that old.  So don’t get cranky.  Let’s see that youthful smile!  That youthful sense of humor!

And lezbros, don’t you get all upset either–just because you hang out with us all the time doesn’t mean you’ll start looking like us one day (exception: Figure 1).  It just means that, at some point, you will suddenly realize that your manly stoicism has been replaced by the constant urge to barf feelings all over the place.  (This is perfectly normal.  Just grab a box of tissues and an ice cream cake and wait for it to pass.)

Fig. 1

Fig. 1: The Exception.

Now let’s talk about the list.  First of all, I find it hilarious, despite the nagging feeling that I should somehow feel offended by it.  But then again, having read my girlfriend Ariel Levy’s New Yorker article about the Van Dykes–a group of radical, REAL lesbians who probably wouldn’t hesitate to punch me in the face if they saw this blog post–I already know that I’m a poor excuse for a lesbian.  So I’ll just suppress my guilt about that and hold on to it forever.  (Ah, regret.)

Moving right along.  You may have noticed that my beloved current state of residence, the big C-O, got a few shoutouts on the list.  That’s right–apparently I’m living in some sort of paradise for old lesbians.  (You know, now that I think about it, I probably should have realized this earlier–I mean, Colorado is home to comfortable-footwear companies (Crocs), organic grocers (Wild Oats Market), and a place called Beaver Creek.)  Let’s take a look:

 

#22.  Robert Redford

He Is:

Actor. Director.

Looks Like:

The head of Women’s Studies at Community College of Denver.

 

#15. John Denver

He Was:

Singer. Country boy. Aviator.

Looks Like:

The founder of Colorado’s first Lesbian Games, a non-competitive Olympics guaranteeing “participation trophies” for all entrants.

 

Nice.  Also, I am horrified/amused to note that the author of this list, Keith Mays–a “pioneer in the field of men who look like old lesbians”–has an entire blog devoted to this subject.  Wow, this guy sure is dedicated.  But he’d better not show up in Colorado anytime soon–old dykes aren’t exactly known for their sense of humor.