Ah, Regret.

The Surly, Lumpy Audacity of Hope
Wed, 5 November 2008, 11:51 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

Things that make me crack a genuine smile (not one of those smirk thingies I usually do):

1. Obama = President (!!!)

2. Heathie calling me last night in tears of (only sort-of-drunk) joy regarding #1.


<3333 !!!

Yeah, I actually lost my cynicism for a minute.  Wow.  America, I really… really didn’t think you had it in you.  I’m still stunned.  But you know what they say: the nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

More audacity?


Cindy, I know you read my blog.

[gchat excerpt from this morning] 

Colin are we going to get an election blog post through a lesbian lens?
me hmm
i hate the election and i’m gay.
there’s the post.

OK people, calm down for just a minute and give me a chance to clarify that statement.  It was one of those heat-of-the-moment things so perhaps it didn’t come out quite right.  What I was really trying to say was, “I strongly dislike the number and frequency of harassing election-related phone calls (many robocalls, some real [college junior poly-sci major] people) I have received over the past several weeks due to being an unaffiliated voter in a swing state, and society may consider me gay, but I don’t like labels–there’s a spectrum, you know!”

Phew.  I guess emotions are running high–or, for lesbos (and [including?] Hx), “higher than usual”–right now with all of this election anxiety.  In case you were wondering, yes I did Barack the vote today (Colin: I was Biden my time waiting for you to tell me that).  I know my vote doesn’t count (I don’t care what you say, Hx! Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean that.  I do care what you say.  Every vote counts.  The audacity of hope.  Obamarama.), but there’s no way I was going to miss out on the coveted “I Voted” sticker.  If I get caught walking around town without that thing stuck to my shirt, a bunch of hippie college kids just might feel the need to beat some social consciousness into me with their bong.

Anyway.  Back to the robocalls.  The following is a list of the people (robots?) who have called me lately to tell me an important message (in no particular order): Michelle Obama, Barack Obama, Rudolph Giuliani(?!), John McCain.  The following is a list of the people who have not called me lately to tell me an important message: Cindy McCain.  

I know, right!  What’s up with that?  I would have thought that Cindy would have had an important message for me regarding prescription drug addiction, or starving orphans in India, or the loneliness of marriage or something.  Well I have a message for you, Cindy: maybe if you’d taken the time to call me I would have voted differently.  But it’s too late for that now!  Listen Cindy, I’ve said this to your husband (and also to JoJo), and now I’ll say it to you: take a look at my blog title.  You feeling a little bit like that right now?  (Cindy: “We didn’t want your gay vote anyway.”)


Feeling worse than Cindy McCain without her painkillers
Fri, 3 October 2008, 2:52 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

“She held her own!'”  “She didn’t do too badly.”

OK am I SERIOUSLY hearing these statements with regards to Sarah Palin’s little performance last night?!  I’ve always maintained that “Americans are so stupid,” but I thought this statement applied to neither a) myself [still true!]; or b) people I know and respect [still true???].

You guys.  Palin did not “do pretty well.”  Yes, she did manage to meet the unbelievably LOW expectations (just stand there, recite the script, and don’t say anything about dinosaurs) that were set for her.  Yes, she did say “maverick” at least 18,000 times.  Per minute.  Yes, she did smile, look cute, and give a “shoutout” to an elementary school (?!?!?!!?).  But do any of these things make her even remotely qualified to RUN THIS COUNTRY after McCain’s 72 year-old heart beats its final angry beat?  First of all, I just threw up in my mouth.  And secondly, NO!

The appropriate reaction to Palin’s appearance in the debate last night is a mixture of smug amusement, disbelief, outrage, nausea, sadness, and an overwhelming feeling of defeat combined with the urge to move to Canada for real, not just threaten it this time.  So unless your comments are going to reflect the aforementioned sentiments, I suggest you go share them with someone who is not a very liberal, college-educated, condescending, crabby, pessimistic, easily outraged, snarky, surly, anti-stupidity-in-the-White-House elitist (i.e. ME).

I know I’ve poked fun at Palin numerous times in this blog, but the more I realize that most people in America don’t get the joke, the less I feel like joking around anymore.

Shelley, you were wrong.  I didn’t need tequila in my nalgene last night; I need it today.

A MILF Boulder Already Believes In!
Thu, 2 October 2008, 11:09 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

Michelle Obama graced the City of Boulder with her presence yesterday, and there was no way I was going to miss the chance to see that hot mama in action!  So Erin, a few of my coworkers, and I headed over to the University of Colorado campus to hear the woman preach.  

Now keep in mind that not only every single CU student, but also every single resident of Boulder supports Barack Obama.  Ever wonder why Colorado is a swing state?  Boulder is why.  You leave this town, and it’s red country, aka bat country.  (McCain and Palin will be visiting the Centennial State this weekend, but I get the sense they won’t be stopping in B-city for a bike ride and some organic smoothies.)

Anyway, back to the main event.  Michelle was of course lookin’ good and electrifying the crowd.  (Seriously… she basically stepped up on the podium and said “CU make some nooooiiiise!” and noise was most certainly made.)

Photo courtesy of... me! I was there! Obamarama!!!

Since you couldn’t be there, allow me to provide you with some highlights from the speech:

Click here, babe!

She can see New Jersey from her house.
Tue, 16 September 2008, 12:21 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

As you(s) guys are now aware, I’ve been forced to give up my vice presidential dreams due to my guidette origins.  But although I may not be qualified to serve as second-in-command, I think I know someone who is.

Reasons Big Al would make a better VP than Sarah Palin

  • She’s not just a hockey MILF, she’s a hockey-playing MILF.
  • She only has three kids (not five), leaving ample time for VP activities.
  • Her eldest (only) daughter is not currently preggo (to my knowledge).
  • She hails from PA, that vast and unexplored final frontier (well, at least from NJ’s perspective). I bet they have tons of moose there.
  • I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think dinosaurs roamed the earth as little as 4,000 years ago.
  • She enjoys people of all races.
  • She loves teh gayz (especially me.  And lezzie hockey players).
  • She could be played by Amy Poehler on SNL.
  • I’m positive she could drink Palin under the table.
So Big Al, if you need a campaign manager look no further.  I can set you up with a presidential candidate (it doesn’t matter who, no one would care anyway) and get your vice-presidential-candidate blog up and running.  With a few clever Paint-altered photos we could lock in the blogosphere demographic.  Your shot-downing abilities would clinch the blue collar vote.  And we would easily get the hockey moms, the gays, and those swing-state Pennsylvanians.  So yeah, that’s pretty much everyone.
America, get ready for Big Al ’12… A MILF You Can Believe In!

Slowly abandoning my dream of becoming the first Jersey Girl veep… *sigh*
Fri, 12 September 2008, 2:38 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

From “Misery Loves Democrats“, NYT op-ed columnist Gail Collins’ attempt to soothe the many Dems who have become agitated by Palinpalooza (which has recently besieged all forms of media, including the one you’re reading right now):

But the vice president isn’t supposed to get any attention, and all people can talk about is Palin, Palin, Palin!

True. I think that’s because she’s from Alaska. It’s got that frontier aura that we’ve missed since all the cowboy television series were canceled a generation ago. Plus, it gives us the opportunity to talk a lot about moose, which are a funny animal no matter how you slice it. If Palin had been a deer-hunting mom from New Jersey, John McCain would have gotten no post-convention bump whatsoever.

Oh come on, America!  Is this really true?  Because last I heard…

Case in point.

Case in point.

Bizarre-est. Week. Ever.
Fri, 5 September 2008, 11:21 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

(+) We can now talk about “Lindsay Lohan” and “political commentary” in the same sentence.

(-) Tween pregnancy and marriage (and living happily ever after!!!!) have somehow replaced gay marriage as “all the rage”.  (How am I supposed to jump on THAT bandwagon?!)