Ah, Regret.


It’s about time I stood up for myself.
Fri, 3 June 2011, 7:38 pm
Filed under: Other Whimsy | Tags: , ,

And yes, I do bar mitzvahs.  Email me.

(The intro got a little bit cut off, but it was something to the effect of, “I just got back from the gym, and boy are my arms tired!”)

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Vallie & Vallia

vallie_vallia

Where to begin?  Well, to paraphrase Eric B & Rakim (seems like a good starting point!), It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you / without a new blog to step to.

What?  Sometimes it’s just easier to say things in a song, OK?!  Anyway.  First of all, I have what I believe to be an excellent excuse for not having written in so long: I moved!  (That is, we–as in Erin [is easily outraged] and I–moved.)  That’s right, we said goodbye to Sunny Boulder and hello to Rain City–Seattle, here we are!  (Cue the sound of a thousand unicorns stampeding northwestward.)

Based on the Sad But True Story.



Update: BGICT = TITC (Trapped in the Closet)?
Mon, 29 June 2009, 2:40 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , , ,

milkcarton

So here’s a somewhat disappointing follow-up to my previous post.  It would seem that the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck (BGICT)–the news of which whipped up a coneful of internet frenzy (with rainbow sprinkles on top) and inspired my new Big Gay Career Plan (BGCP)–is more elusive than a unicorn.  And I don’t mean a unicorn in this blog (where you can see one in every paragraph if you look hard enough)–I mean a unicorn in the wild.

The Big Gay Saga (BGS) continues.



Here comes the Bad Humor truck
Tue, 16 June 2009, 11:55 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

lump_parachute

Let me just start out by saying that all credit for today’s post goes to Virb.  (She thinks of the topic so I don’t have to.  The rest of you readers, take note.)  My parents certainly owe Virb a debt of gratitude, because ever since I blogged about the colors of my (amazing technicolor) parachute, she has dedicated herself to the thankless task of discovering the perfect career choice for yours lumpily.  (I would try to think of ideas myself, but I just really don’t have the time.  I’ve been busy with… stuff.  cough.  smushmrinking.*)

As you may recall from the aforementioned post, for me the real question isn’t, “What color is your parachute?” (duh–rainbow.); it’s “What careers can someone with a gay parachute like yours successfully pursue (read: tolerate)?”  You may also recall that I did come up with a few promising leads, but, frustratingly, each of these–like all of the other career ideas ever postulated by me or anyone else–is ultimately going to end up getting thrown out for one reason or another (i.e. would require me to obtain a graduate degree, and/or work with people, and/or get up early, and/or put forth a great deal of effort…).

So you can see how, when it comes to figuring out a way to attain financial stability in a manner deemed socially acceptable for a college graduate with a middle-class socioeconomic background (*YAWN*–my memoirs should be riveting), Virb could very well be my only hope.  No pressure or anything!

My blog is becoming the job section of surlylump.craigslist.org.



I think we all know what color(s) my parachute is.

You may think that, for a directionless 24 year-old with a liberal arts degree and no marketable skills, a Career is nothing more than a pipe dream.  A fantasy.  A pie in the sky.  Wishful thinking.  (OK… I get the point!)  Well, you’re probably right.  But hey, you know what?  If unicorns are real (which they are!), then maybe the idea of me joining the ranks of you Esteemed Professionals isn’t so far-fetched after all.  (All I have to do is believe!  And go to grad school.  *sigh*)

parachute

Now, many of you devoted readers will remember one very soild career possibility that I discussed in this blog.  And while I agree that the model/actor gig looks great on paper, let’s face it:  in reality, any number of things could go wrong along the way.  What if I became involved in a cocaine scandal?  What if my TV success failed to translate to the big screen?  What if I dated Kanye West, but people realized we were both each other’s beards, and then even our staged breakup couldn’t garner enough publicity to make my pictures start selling again?  Huh?  What then?

Furthermore, even if I did make it big, it’s not like I’d be set for life.  I may be young and beautiful now, but what happens when I’m 30?  I wouldn’t even be able to get my old job at Hooter’s back!  I’d be ruined!  You think I’d be able to Tweet myself back into cultural relevancy like MC Hammer did?  Forget about it!

Whoa, OK.  I need a Plan B–and I’m not talking about the pill.   (Unless there’s some sort of “career pill” on the market now–I definitely need that.  Whether or not it’s been evaluated by the FDA.)  What I need is a list of potential professions.  And so let’s ask ourselves:  what could be a suitable Career for a lump like me?

Oh, the places I’ll go.