Ah, Regret.

And for the lump on your list…
Tue, 21 December 2010, 12:37 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

Dear readers, xmas is upon us, and my gingerbread heart is heavy.  And not just because we overdid it with the rainbow M&M roof decorations.  No, it’s just that each year, as everyone scrambles at the last minute to buy the perfect thing for every single person on their list, I can’t help but feel a little empty inside.

If “A Charlie Brown Christmas” or the greeting cards my mom sends me are any indication, xmas is supposed to be about peace, love, and Jesus; instead, it’s about iPads.  Although I’m sure there’s some sort of Bible app available.  But that’s besides the point!  Frenzied, mindless consumerism pervades every aspect of this modern life.  It’s depressing, you guys.

And, lo…


An open ecard to Shelley Su
Tue, 9 June 2009, 5:37 pm
Filed under: Open ecards | Tags: , , , ,


This ninth day of June marks a truly historic occasion: the birth of none other than the Original Motherfucker*.  And so, dear readers, won’t you raise your tequila glasses and join me in a toast to that pork belly-loving, chopstick-wielding, slideshow-making, graphic-tee-wearing, drunk-dialing Asian audiophile, SHELLEY SU!  Happy birthday!  And many motherfucking more…




*Because she just is.  Trust us.

I didn’t text you last night. TEQUILA texted you from my phone…

Oh my goodness, it’s been WAY too long.  My blogging fingers are getting fat!  (Alex: insert “finger” joke here.)  Time to give them a workout.  (More finger jokes!)

Speaking of fingers, sometimes our fingers do certain things when we’re drunk that we later regret.  Yeah, I don’t know what you were thinking, but I was referring to Texts From Last Night.  (Thanks Colin and all of you people who have the link on your MyFacePage/GTwitterChat/Thingamablogs.)  If you (somehow!) haven’t seen this site yet, you really need to take a look.

Vodpod videos no longer available.


The concept is brilliant: a forum in which one can immortalize one’s regrettable (presumably–hopefully?–drunk) text messages from the previous night.  Perfect!  Don’t prevent regret; let it happen, and then celebrate it!  Why does regret continue to have this stigma of being “shameful”?  Regret can be funny!  (You can post it on the internet to entertain all of your friends!)

For example:

Dear Tequila, No Regrets

Lily Allen is fucking hilarious
Thu, 29 January 2009, 3:46 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,


This post is a tribute to British pop star Lily Allen.  For those of you whose mp3 collections are not heavily influenced by Popjustice, Lily is a 23 year-old pop music “singer-songwriter”.  I put that phrase in quotes because, to be honest, she’s probably a lot more famous for being the daughter of actor/comedian Keith Allen, and also for being perpetually drunk, than for her singing and songwriting skillz (which are in fact awesome, but I’ll get to that in a minute).

Lily and I are about the same age, but when I contemplate how much more this young woman has accomplished in her life, I can only look back on mine with a heavy sense of regret.  (*EDIT*  Having completed the list below, I now realize that with the exception of items 5-7, our lives have been strikingly similar.  Yesss!)  See for yourself:

Let me count the ways.

Now Jordin is the only Sparks I have left…
Fri, 19 December 2008, 3:36 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

First Zima, and now this.  I don’t know how much more my heart can bear.  In another devastating blow to the “malternative” beverage industry, Miller-Coors has reached an agreement to “withdraw and reformulate” its Sparks line of hybrid alcohol-energy drinks.  They’re going to remove caffeine, guarana and other stimulants from Sparks and cease marketing it to underage drinkers. 

You might as well “reformulate” the sun not to shine.  Dear readers, I’m saddened to report that for all intents and purposes, Sparks is dead.


In Memoriam

How the Dyke Stole Hxmas, Part III: Yes, Val-ginia, there is a Santa Claus

(You thought that said “vagina”, didn’t you!  Clearly you’ve been reading this blog too much.)  OK FINE people, I’ll admit it: thanks to your outpouring of xmas-y guest posts, comments, and gchats, it has recently come to my attention that I like more things about xmas than I originally thought I did.  


[Image: Chicago Tribune.  Mad props to Colin.]

It’s like that time Charlie Brown finally learned what xmas is all about. (Except I’m probably more of a Peppermint Patty.)  Anyway, let’s see what you guys came up with!


LTC 2008!

Last Friday at approximately 10:00 AM I informed Shelley Su that it was LTC time.  I said “LTC” because abbrevs sound way cooler than complete words.  Besides, when it comes to full words, TNET (there’s never enough time)!!

Anyway, I always assume that everyone knows the meanings of all the initials/acronyms in the Val vernacular.  Apparently not.  However, anytime you don’t quite get my meaning, remember that a) it’s probably dirty/inappropriate; and b) context clues can help.  For example, in this case, it was mid-morning on a work day.  What was the one thing I could really use under those circumstances?  Exactly!  A Lunch-Time Cocktail.  (I should note that I stole this phrase from Erin… but it’s mine now!)

Shelley may not have known what LTC stood for, but that didn’t stop her from taking a stab at it.  And I think the following guess shows that not only is Shelley clever, but she knows me frighteningly well:  

me: LTC time !!
Shelley: what’s ltc? lesbian tequila conference?

Brilliant.  How did I never think of this?  Let’s have a lesbian tequila conference!

LTC 2008!

LTC 2008!

Well, I suppose I’ve had LTCs (of sorts) before.  I mean I’m a lesbian, and I’ve drunk tequila with at least one other person (regret loves company!).  But maybe we could do something more official, like rent out a hotel conference room and order a Winehouse-worthy 48 bottles of tequila.  And we could have guest lectures!

“Tequila-Induced Motherfuckerness” (The OMF)

“I’m Gay but I Like My Tequila Straight (Up)” (me)

“Thoughts on the Relationship Between Drinking Tequila and Sending Unrequited Late-Night Text Messages to Straight Girls” (Alex)

“Ew, Tequila Tastes Like a Foot” (Erin)

Wow, I think this conference has the potential to produce that perfect mixture of fun and regret that I hope to achieve every time I unscrew a cap, pop a cork, crack open a can, etc etc.  

LTC ’08… who’s in?  I mean–out.  Or toeing the line (and able to be lured back out of the closet by tequila)?