Ah, Regret.


You’re enjoying your election year, everything’s going your way (or not), then along comes Denver Downer
Thu, 28 August 2008, 12:33 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

Bad news, you guys. Apparently the Democrats are not partying hardy at this year’s national convention. According to the New York Times,

A new complaint being whispered by disgruntled guests [is that] partying in Denver is a downer.

Oh no! How did the Mile High City, the closest metropolis to my current residence, become the Debbie Downer of DNC host cities?

Blame nervous Democrats who are remembering their brash optimism in 2000 and 2004 […] or the party leaders who have warned attendees not to drink because of the altitude.

“Blame it on the altitude! (BIOTA)!” Hey, that’s my line (and also this Colorado-based bottled water company‘s, apparently)! Except I would argue that high altitude is a great party-booster. Attendees of the “Sex, Politics and Cocktails” shindig, sponsored by Planned Parenthood, seemed to have the right idea:

Bill Walsh, a delegate from South Carolina, dressed the patriotic part in a cowboy hat and a button-down shirt in an American flag pattern. “The air is thin and we’re all high,” Mr. Walsh said.

That’s the spirit Bill! South Carolina? You belong here in Boulder. But anyway, I’ll concede that high altitude isn’t all fun and games for everyone:

Partygoers who crowded into the bathroom at “Red Hot Affair” complained of headaches from altitude-induced dehydration.

Oh dear. Perhaps next time the Dems will stick to convening/partying at sea level. What they really should have done was arrive here a week or two early for some high altitude booze training. Ah, regret.

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Go West, Young Lump!
Thu, 31 July 2008, 11:42 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , , ,

If you are lucky enough to have read the lyrics to my upcoming hit single “I Kissed a Girl [Yet Another Version that is Not A Cover of the Original, but Totally Rules]”, you have become aware that my list of recent notable life events includes a dramatic cross-country (well not all the way across, but still a few times zones away) move, inspired by a certain blue-eyed lady.

So here I am, a Jersey Girl in Boulder, Colorado (a situation which is a lot less novel than I had hoped it would be, since it is apparently much more rare to find a native Coloradoan here than it is to find an East Coast transplant). You, dear reader, are from the East Coast, so you have a few questions.

So, how are you liking the good ol’ Midwest (snicker)?
I’m sure it’s great, but as you know Colorado is part of the Mountain Division of the West Region. We’re running on Mountain Standard Time here (that’s two hours behind Center of the Universe Time, excuse me, I mean Eastern Standard Time.)

Colorado, eh? I’ve been to/have a friend from Colorado Springs/Vail/Telluride.
While those are in fact cities/towns of Colorado, they are anywhere from two to six hours (driving) away from Boulder. (Denver is a mere 40 minutes southeast, however.)

Wait, you can drive for six hours and still be in the same state? No one ever told me that.
Believe it. And this is only the eighth-largest one.

What’s Boulder like? A bunch of crunchy hippies wearing Birks who smoke pot out on the lawn?
A: It’s more like a bunch of scuppies and rich college kids wearing Crocs (whose HQ is a short bike ride away from here) who keep their public pot-smoking to a minimum (er, except during the annual 4/20 Pot Smokeout). Here is a picture of this fine city.

What’s been going on around town lately?
Glad you asked. Here is a sampling of some recent local news headlines.

‘Bear wagon’ to make rounds in south Boulder
Former ‘Family Ties’ star Brian Bonsall remains a fugitive
Boulder teen charged in naked LSD Taser incident
Volunteers needed for daisy pull
Despite allure, leaping into Gross Reservoir illegal

Is Boulder Gayville?
It doesn’t rain much in Boulder, but when it does, it’s only for fifteen minutes and is often immediately followed by sunshine. Therefore, during my brief time here, I feel as if I’ve seen more rainbows than I did during my entire twenty-three years back East.

Do you ski a lot?
Nope, I’m too poor. Thank you for reminding me.

Winter must be pretty harsh out there, it’s always snowing.
A typical winter on the Front Range is mild, with frequent but light snowfall and a lot of sunshine. (Boulder has about as many sunny days per year as Miami.) Summer is also relatively comfortable, because although temperatures can reach the upper nineties, humidity remains around only 10%. So no more slushy winters or sticky summers, sadly.

You must be so outdoorsy now!
I do enjoy drinking out on the patio.

Do you eat a lot of organic food?
Nope, I’m too poor. Again, thanks for the reminder.

How come your tolerance for alcohol consumption and cardiovascular activity is so much higher than mine? I know you don’t drink or run anywhere near as much as I do.
High altitude training, my friend. It works for Olympic athletes, and it works for me.

I’m a Stoner with seasonal affective disorder who enjoys camping, music festivals, and cross-country bike rides. Should I move to Boulder?
No. But you should definitely visit every few months.

When are you moving back East?
Whenever I grow weary of clean air and mountain sunsets.

Stop hating on the East Coast.
I got nothin but love for yous guys. 908 in the Garden State! Jersey represent! NYC! Pennsyltucky! The District! Charm City! Delawhere? Where you at!

*makes some noise*