Ah, Regret.


Here comes the Bad Humor truck
Tue, 16 June 2009, 11:55 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

lump_parachute

Let me just start out by saying that all credit for today’s post goes to Virb.  (She thinks of the topic so I don’t have to.  The rest of you readers, take note.)  My parents certainly owe Virb a debt of gratitude, because ever since I blogged about the colors of my (amazing technicolor) parachute, she has dedicated herself to the thankless task of discovering the perfect career choice for yours lumpily.  (I would try to think of ideas myself, but I just really don’t have the time.  I’ve been busy with… stuff.  cough.  smushmrinking.*)

As you may recall from the aforementioned post, for me the real question isn’t, “What color is your parachute?” (duh–rainbow.); it’s “What careers can someone with a gay parachute like yours successfully pursue (read: tolerate)?”  You may also recall that I did come up with a few promising leads, but, frustratingly, each of these–like all of the other career ideas ever postulated by me or anyone else–is ultimately going to end up getting thrown out for one reason or another (i.e. would require me to obtain a graduate degree, and/or work with people, and/or get up early, and/or put forth a great deal of effort…).

So you can see how, when it comes to figuring out a way to attain financial stability in a manner deemed socially acceptable for a college graduate with a middle-class socioeconomic background (*YAWN*–my memoirs should be riveting), Virb could very well be my only hope.  No pressure or anything!

My blog is becoming the job section of surlylump.craigslist.org.

Advertisements


It’s been a Week.

It’s been a rough week, Dear Readers.  But I know just the thing to cheer me up:  WHINING ABOUT IT IN MY BLOG!  (Oh, TEH CAPS LOCK is so cathartic.  I’m feeling better already!)

o_trail

god I love to complain.



I think we all know what color(s) my parachute is.

You may think that, for a directionless 24 year-old with a liberal arts degree and no marketable skills, a Career is nothing more than a pipe dream.  A fantasy.  A pie in the sky.  Wishful thinking.  (OK… I get the point!)  Well, you’re probably right.  But hey, you know what?  If unicorns are real (which they are!), then maybe the idea of me joining the ranks of you Esteemed Professionals isn’t so far-fetched after all.  (All I have to do is believe!  And go to grad school.  *sigh*)

parachute

Now, many of you devoted readers will remember one very soild career possibility that I discussed in this blog.  And while I agree that the model/actor gig looks great on paper, let’s face it:  in reality, any number of things could go wrong along the way.  What if I became involved in a cocaine scandal?  What if my TV success failed to translate to the big screen?  What if I dated Kanye West, but people realized we were both each other’s beards, and then even our staged breakup couldn’t garner enough publicity to make my pictures start selling again?  Huh?  What then?

Furthermore, even if I did make it big, it’s not like I’d be set for life.  I may be young and beautiful now, but what happens when I’m 30?  I wouldn’t even be able to get my old job at Hooter’s back!  I’d be ruined!  You think I’d be able to Tweet myself back into cultural relevancy like MC Hammer did?  Forget about it!

Whoa, OK.  I need a Plan B–and I’m not talking about the pill.   (Unless there’s some sort of “career pill” on the market now–I definitely need that.  Whether or not it’s been evaluated by the FDA.)  What I need is a list of potential professions.  And so let’s ask ourselves:  what could be a suitable Career for a lump like me?

Oh, the places I’ll go.



“Kbye” IS a word. Just look it up in the meh-ctionary.
Wed, 26 November 2008, 11:10 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

“Meh” is the official catchphrase of surly lumps everywhere (see Fig. 1).

sl

Fig 1: Surly Lump.

Yet if you think about it, despite its importance to surly-lump-dom, it’s not really much of a word.  It’s more like… a mutter.  Certainly not noble enough to be found in a dictionary (other than the urban one), right?  

Wrong!  Apparently “Meh” has officially entered the English language.  LOL!  According to the Associated Press,

The expression of indifference or boredom has gained a place in the Collins English Dictionary after generating a surprising amount of enthusiasm among lexicographers.

More? Meh.



Finally, a career!
Mon, 10 November 2008, 12:31 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags:

So here’s a funny story I think you people might enjoy.  I was at Target yesterday, perusing the pajama section (is anyone else disturbed that they make those one-piece “footie” pajamas for adults?), when I heard some guy behind me say, “Excuse me, hi.”

Me: [Oh crap!  A stranger is talking to me!  Can I somehow flee the scene?  What’s the quickest escape root?  Ladies’ Lingerie?  Newborn Clothing?  Electronics?]  Hi.

The Guy: Have you ever considered modeling or acting?

Me: [I think we can all agree that I would have been a fool to have “considered” said careers.] Er… no…

The Guy [whom I’m suddenly noticing is short, fat, and balding]: Well, you should.  I work for blah blah blah [plus-size? ugly-face?] modeling agency, and we’re having auditions next weekend, so you should come.  I think you have a “look”.  Here’s my card, you should check out our website.

Me: *stifling bewildered laughter* Oh, um, OK.  Cool.  I’ll check that out.  Thanks!

Oh, I have a “look”, all right.  What would we call it?

the_look

Think I can make some paper with this mug?  Does modeling require wearing makeup?



Lindsay Lohan is also a surly lump!
Fri, 22 August 2008, 12:20 am
Filed under: Lezzie Celebs, Other Whimsy | Tags: ,

Uh… long story short, she was “hiding” from the paps. More details here.

I like the pink lump look. Perhaps I’ll have to try it out myself (while Erin drives me around).



For those of you following along at home

A Few Reasons My Blog Totally Rules

  • It’s so humble!
  • Exact figures have not yet been released, but early reports estimate that posting in it has more than halved my already underwhelming productivity levels at work.
  • It’s one of the (many, apparently!) things that makes me gayer than Cat C. aka Gramps. (For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of knowing that Pioneer of Gay, let me put it this way: it’s kind of like saying Shelley is now gayer than Marie, or Lindsay is gayer than Ellen.)
  • Spaghetti Cat!
  • It gives Alex a forum in which to frantically post hilarious/incoherent comments. (Haven’t read all of them yet? You’re not getting the full surlylump blog experience. Go back right now and click the “comments” link on almost every post I’ve ever made.)
  • Baby Unicorn: It makes people believe in me.
  • It has the scientifically-proven ability to make people snort coffee out the nose.
  • It makes you, dear reader, just a little bit gayer too.