Ah, Regret.

Paw, Regret.
Wed, 3 June 2009, 12:29 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,


Do pets have regrets?  

Overzealous dog owners would say yes.   (But considering their impassioned–bordering on hysterical!–declarations of obnoxiously exaggerated pet abilities, perhaps we should ignore these people.) Conventional scientific wisdom would say no.  (Curse us uneducated masses and our damned Disney anthropomorphism!)  But now the Times is saying, “Perhaps!”  In his article “In Tucked Tail, Pangs of Regret?“, John Tierny takes a look at some emerging evidence on the subject.

Dear Heathie, No Regrets. Your Cat, Major Tom.


I didn’t text you last night. TEQUILA texted you from my phone…

Oh my goodness, it’s been WAY too long.  My blogging fingers are getting fat!  (Alex: insert “finger” joke here.)  Time to give them a workout.  (More finger jokes!)

Speaking of fingers, sometimes our fingers do certain things when we’re drunk that we later regret.  Yeah, I don’t know what you were thinking, but I was referring to Texts From Last Night.  (Thanks Colin and all of you people who have the link on your MyFacePage/GTwitterChat/Thingamablogs.)  If you (somehow!) haven’t seen this site yet, you really need to take a look.

Vodpod videos no longer available.


The concept is brilliant: a forum in which one can immortalize one’s regrettable (presumably–hopefully?–drunk) text messages from the previous night.  Perfect!  Don’t prevent regret; let it happen, and then celebrate it!  Why does regret continue to have this stigma of being “shameful”?  Regret can be funny!  (You can post it on the internet to entertain all of your friends!)

For example:

Dear Tequila, No Regrets

Heather, is this what you’ve become?

me:  i love how when heather ghchats these days, she goes on sporadically, sends me something crazy (usually in caps), then suddenly signs off
we used to have conversations!
Colin:  now she is just like a lolcat with a blackberry


(Does Major Tom have a BlackBerry too?  Or does he just use yours and claw all of the keys off of it?)

An open ecard to Heathie, from Major Tom
Mon, 9 March 2009, 2:47 pm
Filed under: Open ecards, Other Whimsy | Tags: , ,



F.A.Q. (F-ing Annoying Questions)

This book cover could very well be based on a picture of me, circa 1995.

Why in god’s name has it been so long since your last post?

Let’s find out.

It took her 50 years to look this good!
Mon, 22 December 2008, 2:42 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

Today’s post is dedicated to someone very special: my mom (of a friend), Big Al aka “[not] Big [not] Gay Al” aka “Skinny Straight Al” aka “BA”.  Why does she have so many nicknames?  Because she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.  Right Heather?  (Heather: “Please stop talking.”)

Anyway, today is a Big day for Big Al: the Big five-oh!  So I’m sending out some birthday love to my smokin’ hot mama.  Not “hot” as in “flashes”; “hot” as in “hot“!


Now, if you’re like me–young, arrogant, and good-looking–the thought of living past the age of 29 makes you break out in a cold sweat.  Wrinkles, gray hair, loss of coolness, unspeakable medical conditions, mom jeans–the horror.  

But then again, look at Big Al.  Maybe there is lyfe after Youth!

Big Al: 50 Years Young

  • She can still drink anyone–Irishmen, frat boys, probably even Lily Allen–under the table.
  • She has guys half her age lining up to buy her drinks.
  • She’s still body-checking bitches at the ice hockey rink (*cough* so lez).  Puck on!
  • She recently sent me a text message saying, “Are you there Val?  It’s me, Al”
  • She is an avid reader of (and commenter on) Ah, Regret.
  • She’s hot.  Check out that cleave. 

That’s right.  Big Al isn’t 50… she’s 18 with 32 years experience!

And for those of you following Big Al’s campaign for Vice President in 2012, I have some breaking news: confident of victory, Big Al has already chosen a press secretary.  Here he is:


Sassy!  Says Big Al: “I need a man like that around to keep the wolves at bay.”  But the question remains: who’s going to keep the cougar at bay?

Hopefully no one!  But anyway, happy 50th Big Al.  Sorry I can’t make your party, but I’ll drink a marg (or two) in your honor.  And make sure you text me the following morning with tales of regret–you can never be too old for that!

Now Jordin is the only Sparks I have left…
Fri, 19 December 2008, 3:36 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

First Zima, and now this.  I don’t know how much more my heart can bear.  In another devastating blow to the “malternative” beverage industry, Miller-Coors has reached an agreement to “withdraw and reformulate” its Sparks line of hybrid alcohol-energy drinks.  They’re going to remove caffeine, guarana and other stimulants from Sparks and cease marketing it to underage drinkers. 

You might as well “reformulate” the sun not to shine.  Dear readers, I’m saddened to report that for all intents and purposes, Sparks is dead.


In Memoriam