Ah, Regret.

It’s been a Week.

It’s been a rough week, Dear Readers.  But I know just the thing to cheer me up:  WHINING ABOUT IT IN MY BLOG!  (Oh, TEH CAPS LOCK is so cathartic.  I’m feeling better already!)


god I love to complain.


Kanye isn’t gay, he just really loves fishsticks
Fri, 10 April 2009, 10:54 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

The saga continues!  Wednesday night’s episode of “South Park” (thanks Brendan!) tackled one of the most pressing issues of our time: Kanye West’s sexuality.


As usual, the way they got to it (Jimmy writes “the funniest joke of all time” [a joke about fishsticks], which becomes a national comedic phenomenon and is subsequently told to Kanye West in an interview, but he doesn’t get it, so he embarks on a desperate mission to solve it and ends up beating Carlos Mencia to death in the process because he took credit for the joke…) was utterly bizarre, but in the end it all worked out because a famous person got lambasted for obnoxious personality traits (in this case, an unbelievably gigantic ego coupled with homophobic undertones).

Let’s go to the videotape.

The Vagina Monoblogs
Thu, 18 September 2008, 1:00 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: ,

[I’m just going to go ahead and label this post SO GAY.  For those of you keeping score, feel free to use it as grounds for awarding me more gay points.]

Let me start out with a little story.  I’m on a totally awesome intramural ultimate frisbee team called Team Vagina (consisting of both men and women, if you were wondering).  At our game Tuesday night, I was heckling the opposing team’s sideline.  I taunted, “Hey, how about you guys do some vagina cheers for us?”  

Everyone gave me a confused, upset look and one girl said, “WHAT?”  Then I realized they probably didn’t know why I was talking about vag.  So I said, “Our team name is VAGINA, so you should do a vagina cheer.”  

And the girl exclaimed, “Ew, that’s GROSS!!!!”  

I tried to explain to her that vaginas are not gross, they are beautiful, but she totally wasn’t having it.


Everything you always wanted to know about C. Wang* (*But were afraid to ask)
Tue, 9 September 2008, 12:03 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , , ,


  • She lives in Charm City aka B-more, Lesboland
  • She is gay married, which is all the rage.
  • She is a beer snob.
  • She loves crabs.  And other seafood.  Fish tacos, I’m sure.
  • When dissatisfied with ground-level views, she perches in a tree.
  • She was my housemate (until I had to suddenly uhaul away).
  • She has a keen ear for my easy-to-miss muttered side-comments.
  • She believes in unicorns.
  • (My personal favorite:) She wrote about kburg’s “fiery eyes” in a now-legendary RSD post.


  • She has a blog but posts with Virb-like (in)frequency.

In Which Our Heroes Go Out To Dinner…
Tue, 26 August 2008, 1:45 pm
Filed under: Lezzie Celebs, Required Reading | Tags: ,


with their mothers.

(Dinner with the mom and mom-in-law… yeah this is about how happy I would be, too.)

Happy birthday Alex !!!
Fri, 8 August 2008, 9:34 am
Filed under: Open ecards, Other Whimsy | Tags: , ,

Dr. Lumplove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog
Mon, 28 July 2008, 10:30 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , ,

Let’s get started, then. I created this blog because Alex literally begged me to do it. And when Alex speaks, I listen*. You know why? Because she laughs at my fish taco jokes, every time. She doesn’t respond to them with a halfhearted “heh”, an eye roll, or a heavy sigh. I sure wish I could say the same for the rest of you.

Aside from all that, consider the following:

My Main Justifications for Starting a Blog

  • Everyone else is doing it. (SEE ALSO: My Main Justifications for Using Drugs and Alcohol and Being Gay)
  • I grew weary of using the comment section of Heather “The Sunset Lush” Stoner’s blog as my own personal blog-within-someone-else’s-blog. Say blog again (blog!).
  • My life interests you.
  • Surly lumps face many negative stereotypes, and I aim to prove them all true.
  • People want a blog that’s fresh, sassy, irreverent, fun. Something to make those long, dreary hours at work/home/grad school fly right by. A reason to get up in the morning. A reason to fall in love with the Internet all over again. Yes, dear reader, today is the first day of the rest of your life!
  • I need a place to paste hilarious excerpts of my gchats with Heather.

So I did it for Alex, I did it for Heather, and most important, I did it for my surly, lumpy self.

I warmly invite you to comment frequently and unabashedly on my posts, especially if you are drunk and/or Big Al (aka Heather’s mom).

That’s all for now. See you next time. And oh, if you wake up one morning/afternoon with your regret socks on, don’t forget to text me.

*Well… OK fine I admit it–usually when Alex speaks, in that rapid-fire jibber-jabbery way of hers, I initially struggle to comprehend what is being said. A minute or two later my eyes glaze over and my mind starts to wander, only to snap back to the present when her voice rises at the end of a sentence, followed by a pause and expectant glance, indicating that a question has perhaps been asked. I then start talking about something or other in hopes that it is relevant to the conversation. Note: this technique is much more difficult to pull off over the phone. Wait… what did you say? Alex is reading this? Oh… um, hi Alex! Had any good fish tacos lately? No? Too busy? How’s your knee? How you uh, how you comin’ on that novel you’re working on? Well, it was nice catching up, bye.