Ah, Regret.

Dykey Old Men
Wed, 25 March 2009, 8:38 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

So.  Here at unicorn central, we’ve talked about old lesbians, and we’ve talked about men who (reeeallylove lesbians, but there’s one fascinating demographic we have yet to discuss:  men who look like old lesbians.  

What?  Well… it’s just one of those things that you have to see for yourself.  From Cracked.com, here is a list of The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.  (It’s like a much harsher-on-the-eyes version of AfterEllen.com’s Top 10 Lesbian-ish Men.)

First of all, a note to my, um, mature lesbian readers.  Ladies, this post is NOT about you!  I think you’re very pretty, and you’re not even that old.  So don’t get cranky.  Let’s see that youthful smile!  That youthful sense of humor!

And lezbros, don’t you get all upset either–just because you hang out with us all the time doesn’t mean you’ll start looking like us one day (exception: Figure 1).  It just means that, at some point, you will suddenly realize that your manly stoicism has been replaced by the constant urge to barf feelings all over the place.  (This is perfectly normal.  Just grab a box of tissues and an ice cream cake and wait for it to pass.)

Fig. 1

Fig. 1: The Exception.

Now let’s talk about the list.  First of all, I find it hilarious, despite the nagging feeling that I should somehow feel offended by it.  But then again, having read my girlfriend Ariel Levy’s New Yorker article about the Van Dykes–a group of radical, REAL lesbians who probably wouldn’t hesitate to punch me in the face if they saw this blog post–I already know that I’m a poor excuse for a lesbian.  So I’ll just suppress my guilt about that and hold on to it forever.  (Ah, regret.)

Moving right along.  You may have noticed that my beloved current state of residence, the big C-O, got a few shoutouts on the list.  That’s right–apparently I’m living in some sort of paradise for old lesbians.  (You know, now that I think about it, I probably should have realized this earlier–I mean, Colorado is home to comfortable-footwear companies (Crocs), organic grocers (Wild Oats Market), and a place called Beaver Creek.)  Let’s take a look:


#22.  Robert Redford

He Is:

Actor. Director.

Looks Like:

The head of Women’s Studies at Community College of Denver.


#15. John Denver

He Was:

Singer. Country boy. Aviator.

Looks Like:

The founder of Colorado’s first Lesbian Games, a non-competitive Olympics guaranteeing “participation trophies” for all entrants.


Nice.  Also, I am horrified/amused to note that the author of this list, Keith Mays–a “pioneer in the field of men who look like old lesbians”–has an entire blog devoted to this subject.  Wow, this guy sure is dedicated.  But he’d better not show up in Colorado anytime soon–old dykes aren’t exactly known for their sense of humor.


Brad does a lot more for me.
Thu, 23 October 2008, 1:57 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: ,

Excerpt from a conversation at our post-soccer-game gathering at the bar last night:

Me: The Coug’s childhood bedroom is plastered with pictures of the U.S. Women’s National [Soccer] Team circa 1999, as well as an Angelina Jolie calendar.
Hillary (our teammate): Angelina Jolie never really did much for me.
Me: Me either, actually.
The Coug: Well she does a lot for me.

Cougar, I guess we are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

A Point of View Not Shared By Any Lesbians or Straight Men

Fig. 1: A Point of View Probably Not Shared By Any Gay Women or Straight Men (or Anyone Else)

Monday Rainbowfest (blehhh)!
Mon, 6 October 2008, 10:59 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

I’m thinking it’s been too long since we all barfed a rainbow.  Plus rainbows make Monday mornings a lot more tolerable.  Therefore I am finally going to post some pics from that gay, rainbow-tastic local event: Boulder Pridefest ’08!  

Here are some people who just really love rainbows.

Oh yes, they own those.

Oh yes, they own those.

Haven’t barfed yet?

An open birthday ecard to the Coug
Mon, 18 August 2008, 12:18 pm
Filed under: Lezzie Celebs, Open ecards | Tags: , ,

It is hard to believe you are only just now turning 21. You have the emotional maturity of a 25 year-old, at least. That’s even older than Erin. Anyway, you are on some sort of luxury cruise right now so I don’t even know if you’ll see this.

Come back soon from your luxurious vacation, and I will take you out on the town so that you can enjoy your very first taste of alcohol. (Time to get started on the downward spiral!)

Hugs, (cheek) kisses, and (supposedly platonic) bed-sharing,

**Note** I am filing this post under Lezzie Celebs because the Coug is a lesbian celebrity with ladies all across the United States (and probably other countries, as well). If you are not one of them, don’t despair, she is always looking for more. Feel free to leave a comment with your phone number.

You’re enjoying your day, everything’s going your way, then along comes Vallie Downer
Wed, 6 August 2008, 11:10 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , , ,

If you were frantically wondering why there’s been a lull in my blog these days, it’s because I was out of town this past weekend up until last night. My bad. What was I doing with my time? Well, I can best sum it all up in three words: sea level drinking. Anyway, the first day of work after vacation is always bothersome, so in that spirit, I’d like to register various complaints for your enjoyment/annoyance.

  • I’m tired.
  • My phone is dead, and I can’t find my phone charger. Or my backup phone charger which I purchased the last time this sort of thing happened.
  • Heather is not really responding to my gchats. Oh, and she just signed off.
  • Cable guys never show up when they say they will.
  • I have a debilitating caffeine addiction.
  • Moving is annoying. Our stuff is still sitting in boxes at the apt. and hasn’t put itself away as of yet.
  • I miss the Coug and Gordy. Actually, I also miss everyone that doesn’t live in Boulder.
  • (I have a lot of feelings.)
  • It has recently come to my attention that if my keyboard layout were Dvorak instead of QWERTY, the improved inboard stroke flow would purportedly reduce finger fatigue. (Hm that sure sounded dirty.) Alas, the Dvorak design never quite took off.
  • I’m becoming irritated with my own barrage of complaints.
  • But god, I love to complain.

This is going to be a Day, all right. *Debbie Downer sad trombone sound*