Ah, Regret.

If Looks Could Kill… or be Spread on Toast

I know this is just going to make you guys think I’m still not over the whole Stephanie Rice-Michael Phelps thing (I so am!), but whatever, it still needs to be said.

As my most devoted readers will note, I have referred (in a post about Rice, haaa) to the aforementioned dolphin-man as “not a bad looking guy.” However, I should clarify that those not-too-bad looks are primarily to be found below his chin. I mean seriously people, this is a body that has never known the meaning of “beer”, “saturated fat”, or “lounging around”. But let’s face (pun intended) it, it can be hard for a face to live up to an impossibly chiseled physique.

So we all agree on this fact, but how can we put it more succinctly in everyday conversation, using a hilarious slang word? Easy:

Phelps is a butterface.

(I sure wish I could take credit for this word usage, but in reality we have gaycondo to thank. Though I should note that Erin has been using the term “butterface” for years now.)

That’s right, he’s that fine-lookin’ gal or guy you spot from across the room, but by the time you get close enough to deliver your favorite pick-up line you realize that god created this particular work of art during his Abstract period. As Erin would say, “good from afar but far from good.”

If this post makes you think I’m not only shallow but also mean, I have news for you: I am. However, I will allow that Phelps is not the only one plagued by this imbalance on the face/body scale. Another person that comes to mind is–and feel free to disagree with me here–yours truly.

People have claimed that I have a “trim” body, and whether this assessment (ASS-essment, if you will) is true or not, the fact remains that at times the corresponding face looks like this:

(If you do somehow find this mug attractive and want to see more, just come over and feed me a whole bunch of tequila.)