Filed under: Open ecards | Tags: birth, i have a lot of feelings, pickled livers, regret, the omf
*Because she just is. Trust us.
Today’s post is dedicated to someone very special: my mom (of a friend), Big Al aka “[not] Big [not] Gay Al” aka “Skinny Straight Al” aka “BA”. Why does she have so many nicknames? Because she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom. Right Heather? (Heather: “Please stop talking.”)
Anyway, today is a Big day for Big Al: the Big five-oh! So I’m sending out some birthday love to my smokin’ hot mama. Not “hot” as in “flashes”; “hot” as in “hot“!
Now, if you’re like me–young, arrogant, and good-looking–the thought of living past the age of 29 makes you break out in a cold sweat. Wrinkles, gray hair, loss of coolness, unspeakable medical conditions, mom jeans–the horror.
But then again, look at Big Al. Maybe there is lyfe after Youth!
Big Al: 50 Years Young
- She can still drink anyone–Irishmen, frat boys, probably even Lily Allen–under the table.
- She has guys half her age lining up to buy her drinks.
- She’s still body-checking bitches at the ice hockey rink (*cough* so lez). Puck on!
- She recently sent me a text message saying, “Are you there Val? It’s me, Al”
- She is an avid reader of (and commenter on) Ah, Regret.
- She’s hot. Check out that cleave.
That’s right. Big Al isn’t 50… she’s 18 with 32 years experience!
And for those of you following Big Al’s campaign for Vice President in 2012, I have some breaking news: confident of victory, Big Al has already chosen a press secretary. Here he is:
Sassy! Says Big Al: “I need a man like that around to keep the wolves at bay.” But the question remains: who’s going to keep the cougar at bay?
Hopefully no one! But anyway, happy 50th Big Al. Sorry I can’t make your party, but I’ll drink a marg (or two) in your honor. And make sure you text me the following morning with tales of regret–you can never be too old for that!
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: birth, brendan is an honorary lesbian, everything i touch or don't touch turns to gay, hot olympic ladies, hx, i'm awesome
OK so as you’re certainly aware, my birthday was eight days ago. I’m a year older, surlier, and a whole lot gayer (“wiser” is up for debate). But enough about how awesome I am. The reason for this post is that some of the Internet-based birthday wishes I received were just too hilarious to keep to myself. So, for your consideration, I present the following:
My Top 3 Blog-Worthy Bday Wishes
Filed under: Lezzie Celebs, Open ecards | Tags: birth, cougar, erin (is easily outraged)
It is hard to believe you are only just now turning 21. You have the emotional maturity of a 25 year-old, at least. That’s even older than Erin. Anyway, you are on some sort of luxury cruise right now so I don’t even know if you’ll see this.
Come back soon from your luxurious vacation, and I will take you out on the town so that you can enjoy your very first taste of alcohol. (Time to get started on the downward spiral!)
Hugs, (cheek) kisses, and (supposedly platonic) bed-sharing,
**Note** I am filing this post under Lezzie Celebs because the Coug is a lesbian celebrity with ladies all across the United States (and probably other countries, as well). If you are not one of them, don’t despair, she is always looking for more. Feel free to leave a comment with your phone number.
I think it’s coming up one of these days. (This should also serve as a reminder for you, Big Al!)
Filed under: Open ecards, Other Whimsy | Tags: a.chan, birth, fish tacos
Which is which?
(Hint: The one on the left is in turmoil and the one on the right is aloof yet dependable.)