Ah, Regret.

It took her 50 years to look this good!
Mon, 22 December 2008, 2:42 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

Today’s post is dedicated to someone very special: my mom (of a friend), Big Al aka “[not] Big [not] Gay Al” aka “Skinny Straight Al” aka “BA”.  Why does she have so many nicknames?  Because she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.  Right Heather?  (Heather: “Please stop talking.”)

Anyway, today is a Big day for Big Al: the Big five-oh!  So I’m sending out some birthday love to my smokin’ hot mama.  Not “hot” as in “flashes”; “hot” as in “hot“!


Now, if you’re like me–young, arrogant, and good-looking–the thought of living past the age of 29 makes you break out in a cold sweat.  Wrinkles, gray hair, loss of coolness, unspeakable medical conditions, mom jeans–the horror.  

But then again, look at Big Al.  Maybe there is lyfe after Youth!

Big Al: 50 Years Young

  • She can still drink anyone–Irishmen, frat boys, probably even Lily Allen–under the table.
  • She has guys half her age lining up to buy her drinks.
  • She’s still body-checking bitches at the ice hockey rink (*cough* so lez).  Puck on!
  • She recently sent me a text message saying, “Are you there Val?  It’s me, Al”
  • She is an avid reader of (and commenter on) Ah, Regret.
  • She’s hot.  Check out that cleave. 

That’s right.  Big Al isn’t 50… she’s 18 with 32 years experience!

And for those of you following Big Al’s campaign for Vice President in 2012, I have some breaking news: confident of victory, Big Al has already chosen a press secretary.  Here he is:


Sassy!  Says Big Al: “I need a man like that around to keep the wolves at bay.”  But the question remains: who’s going to keep the cougar at bay?

Hopefully no one!  But anyway, happy 50th Big Al.  Sorry I can’t make your party, but I’ll drink a marg (or two) in your honor.  And make sure you text me the following morning with tales of regret–you can never be too old for that!


She can see New Jersey from her house.
Tue, 16 September 2008, 12:21 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

As you(s) guys are now aware, I’ve been forced to give up my vice presidential dreams due to my guidette origins.  But although I may not be qualified to serve as second-in-command, I think I know someone who is.

Reasons Big Al would make a better VP than Sarah Palin

  • She’s not just a hockey MILF, she’s a hockey-playing MILF.
  • She only has three kids (not five), leaving ample time for VP activities.
  • Her eldest (only) daughter is not currently preggo (to my knowledge).
  • She hails from PA, that vast and unexplored final frontier (well, at least from NJ’s perspective). I bet they have tons of moose there.
  • I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think dinosaurs roamed the earth as little as 4,000 years ago.
  • She enjoys people of all races.
  • She loves teh gayz (especially me.  And lezzie hockey players).
  • She could be played by Amy Poehler on SNL.
  • I’m positive she could drink Palin under the table.
So Big Al, if you need a campaign manager look no further.  I can set you up with a presidential candidate (it doesn’t matter who, no one would care anyway) and get your vice-presidential-candidate blog up and running.  With a few clever Paint-altered photos we could lock in the blogosphere demographic.  Your shot-downing abilities would clinch the blue collar vote.  And we would easily get the hockey moms, the gays, and those swing-state Pennsylvanians.  So yeah, that’s pretty much everyone.
America, get ready for Big Al ’12… A MILF You Can Believe In!

On Motherhood (lezzie-style)
Mon, 8 September 2008, 4:07 pm
Filed under: Lezzie Celebs, Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

Ellen and Portia talk babies

Apparently Ellen and Portia have talked about having kids.  Must be that “maternal instinct” thingy I keep hearing about.  (Who knows, maybe one day preggo lesbos will be cooler than preggo tweens!  But um… although the allure of being cool has influenced me to do many things, I remain unconvinced that it would get me to hop on the baby bandwagon.)  So what baby names have they thrown around?

“We’ve thought of names, ironically … Jumbo Shrimp is good,” the talk show host tells Extra

That would actually be par for the course for celeb baby names…

Recently DeGeneres spent time with pals Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s growing family – including their newborn son Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale – which inspired some parental-ish feelings for the comedian. “I was holding Zuma this weekend. And all I kept doing was [singing] ‘All I want to do is a Zuma Zuma zoom and shake your rump.”

DeGeneres’s alternate plan to having kids is to adopt – but not just anyone. “I would adopt the Jonas Brothers,” she quipped. “They really are good kids. They appreciate everything still.” 

Ellen, adopt me!  I’m a good kid!!!! Right Big Al?

Lindsay and Sam should get WordPress!
Thu, 28 August 2008, 9:48 am
Filed under: Lezzie Celebs, Required Reading | Tags: ,

So it looks like L. Ron have updated their blogs, basically in order to internet-diss Michael Lohan because he is a deadbeat dad. Check it out:



One thing I like about Lindsay’s post is that she was listening to a Lindsay Lohan song while writing it.

Omg, as a supportive fan, I feel that I should comment on their blogs. (i.e. “Lindsay i will play Confessions of a broken heart for you tonight in hope that things will get better for you.”) I mean Lindsay is my #1 role model in lyfe besides Big Al.

Uh yeah my poor mother sure was startled by the news, but Big Al took it in stride
Fri, 22 August 2008, 10:44 am
Filed under: Gchatterbox, Required Reading | Tags: , ,

me: marie just made a really compelling case for why i’m gayer than her
Alexandra: marie forgets that she’s the one who had posters of the US softball team plastered all over her childhood bedroom
me: hahahha
Alexandra: (and to think mothers are surprised!!! when we tell them)

An open ecard to Hx
Wed, 13 August 2008, 2:27 pm
Filed under: Open ecards | Tags: , ,

I think it’s coming up one of these days. (This should also serve as a reminder for you, Big Al!)

Dr. Lumplove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog
Mon, 28 July 2008, 10:30 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , ,

Let’s get started, then. I created this blog because Alex literally begged me to do it. And when Alex speaks, I listen*. You know why? Because she laughs at my fish taco jokes, every time. She doesn’t respond to them with a halfhearted “heh”, an eye roll, or a heavy sigh. I sure wish I could say the same for the rest of you.

Aside from all that, consider the following:

My Main Justifications for Starting a Blog

  • Everyone else is doing it. (SEE ALSO: My Main Justifications for Using Drugs and Alcohol and Being Gay)
  • I grew weary of using the comment section of Heather “The Sunset Lush” Stoner’s blog as my own personal blog-within-someone-else’s-blog. Say blog again (blog!).
  • My life interests you.
  • Surly lumps face many negative stereotypes, and I aim to prove them all true.
  • People want a blog that’s fresh, sassy, irreverent, fun. Something to make those long, dreary hours at work/home/grad school fly right by. A reason to get up in the morning. A reason to fall in love with the Internet all over again. Yes, dear reader, today is the first day of the rest of your life!
  • I need a place to paste hilarious excerpts of my gchats with Heather.

So I did it for Alex, I did it for Heather, and most important, I did it for my surly, lumpy self.

I warmly invite you to comment frequently and unabashedly on my posts, especially if you are drunk and/or Big Al (aka Heather’s mom).

That’s all for now. See you next time. And oh, if you wake up one morning/afternoon with your regret socks on, don’t forget to text me.

*Well… OK fine I admit it–usually when Alex speaks, in that rapid-fire jibber-jabbery way of hers, I initially struggle to comprehend what is being said. A minute or two later my eyes glaze over and my mind starts to wander, only to snap back to the present when her voice rises at the end of a sentence, followed by a pause and expectant glance, indicating that a question has perhaps been asked. I then start talking about something or other in hopes that it is relevant to the conversation. Note: this technique is much more difficult to pull off over the phone. Wait… what did you say? Alex is reading this? Oh… um, hi Alex! Had any good fish tacos lately? No? Too busy? How’s your knee? How you uh, how you comin’ on that novel you’re working on? Well, it was nice catching up, bye.