Ah, Regret.


“You must introduce your cubicle mate to the spectrum…”
Fri, 3 April 2009, 2:09 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

lron_gothic

From “THE SEXUALLY FLUID PERSON’S GUIDE TO A SEAMLESSLY UNEVENTFUL COMING OUT.”

By Amy York Rubin

[Read the whole thing.  Seriously.]

Given that you are sexually fluid and defy all constraints on your sexuality identity, you do not want to come out. This is because the nature of your fluidity is such that you are not in any defined space to come out of. Instead, you exist on a barely identifiable spectrum, caught between your messy world of deconstructed social constructs and the other world that exists outside your head: the world where you make your money, the very money you used to go to that private college that got you into this mess in the first place. So, since you’re so big on deconstructing, let’s get busy.

  • Potential for awkwardness when using the interent to divulge sexuality (I won’t name names!): check.

Don’t explain your sexual identity to [your hetero cubicle mate] via any form of instant electronic communication, even if you’ve turned off the notification that lets her know when you’re typing and deleting and rephrasing and retyping again. (And if you haven’t turned off that notification, believe me, you should.)

  • Seducing straight girls: check.

That tipsy girl who keeps touching your arm at your friend’s whiskey party looks like she knows something is up. Unfortunately, she went to a state school, so she doesn’t know that she knows something is up. You have to be careful here. If you even remotely verbalize what she doesn’t know she knows, she’ll walk away.

In conclusion,  I wish I wrote this.  (I need a humorous/gay article in a literary publication to get Ariel to know I exist!)



I think we all know what color(s) my parachute is.

You may think that, for a directionless 24 year-old with a liberal arts degree and no marketable skills, a Career is nothing more than a pipe dream.  A fantasy.  A pie in the sky.  Wishful thinking.  (OK… I get the point!)  Well, you’re probably right.  But hey, you know what?  If unicorns are real (which they are!), then maybe the idea of me joining the ranks of you Esteemed Professionals isn’t so far-fetched after all.  (All I have to do is believe!  And go to grad school.  *sigh*)

parachute

Now, many of you devoted readers will remember one very soild career possibility that I discussed in this blog.  And while I agree that the model/actor gig looks great on paper, let’s face it:  in reality, any number of things could go wrong along the way.  What if I became involved in a cocaine scandal?  What if my TV success failed to translate to the big screen?  What if I dated Kanye West, but people realized we were both each other’s beards, and then even our staged breakup couldn’t garner enough publicity to make my pictures start selling again?  Huh?  What then?

Furthermore, even if I did make it big, it’s not like I’d be set for life.  I may be young and beautiful now, but what happens when I’m 30?  I wouldn’t even be able to get my old job at Hooter’s back!  I’d be ruined!  You think I’d be able to Tweet myself back into cultural relevancy like MC Hammer did?  Forget about it!

Whoa, OK.  I need a Plan B–and I’m not talking about the pill.   (Unless there’s some sort of “career pill” on the market now–I definitely need that.  Whether or not it’s been evaluated by the FDA.)  What I need is a list of potential professions.  And so let’s ask ourselves:  what could be a suitable Career for a lump like me?

Oh, the places I’ll go.