Ah, Regret.

“The L Word” 6×08: Dear Jenny, No Regrets


If you’ve read any of my “L Word” posts to date,  then first of all, you deserve some kind of award.  But more to the point, you probably already have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to say about the finale.  I’m probably going to use words like “phew!”, “relieved”, and “thank god that’s over”.  And I’ll admit that, up until this week, I probably would have agreed with you.  But now that the “Last Word” has been spoken, as it were, it turns out both you and I were wrong.  It turns out that, now that it’s all over, the last words I have for this show are “disappointed” and “sad”.

“Disappointed” as in, “I’m not angry, Ilene…  just disappointed.”  (You know how much worse that is!)  For five years, “The L Word” was the only show in town. So, as you can imagine, lesbians were filled with high hopes (and a lot of other feelings) for it.  And for a few seasons, things went pretty well (huge exception:  Dana’s death–which Ilene supposedly regrets, HA).  Like other TV shows, it had its share of annoyingly outrageous plot lines, but overall it was exciting to see a bunch of lesbians (just like us!  Sort of.)  living, loving, laughing, and all of those other l’s.  But by the time Season Five rolled around, the grumblings were getting louder.  Jenny was becoming unbearably bitchy/crazy.  Adele was even worse.  Shane still couldn’t hold on to a girlfriend for more than five minutes.   The dialogue seemed poorly written (maybe it always was, and we were just now noticing?).  Dana was still dead.  Etc.  Etc.

Sadly, the worst was yet to come.  As soon as the first rumors of Season Six’s “murder-mystery” theme hit the internetz, I realized that this series was about to carry on for one season too long.  In Season Five, the filming of Lez Girls (essentially a movie about the show, contained within it) brought the show to the brink of cheesiness: it was a gimmicky plot device, yet its bizarreness was actually kind of interesting–entertaining, at the very least.  But Season Six–the Max pregnancy, the show’s LBD, the “Who killed Jenny?” crap–now that was just a mockery.  

To paraphrase Alex, was Ilene even trying?  “The L Word” used to be meaningful, at times funny, and–for the most part–enjoyable.  It used to be respectable not just as a TV show about lesbians, but as a TV show period.  But now, I can’t help but feel a sense of loss–and it’s not so much over Jenny’s death (well OK, maybe a little–I kind of liked her in Season Five!) or the show’s end (although that’s certainly sad–especially considering the astounding lack of any other lesbian shows on television right now, five years later).  What really makes me sad is the show’s loss of dignity.  And that’s the one thing that could prove even harder to get over than Dana’s death.  (Like Marge Simpson would say, I’m a woman.  I can hold on to it forever.)

And now, only one question remains:  which will we miss less, that unbearable theme song, or these unbearably long recaps?

Here’s a little something to help you decide.


“The L Word” 6×07: Lost Opportunity


OK, good news/bad news time.  Good news:  Compared to last week’s cringefest, 6×07 was Emmy-worthy.  (Which really, really isn’t saying much.  But still.)  Bad news:  The amount of sexual activity on this show is still right on par with that of an actual lesbian.  (Yes–“The L Word” has LBD.  I mean, I know we’re going on five years, but come on.  It’s a drama series, not a reality show!)

And now, let’s have a moment of silence for an opportunity that was tragically lost in this episode:  Bette–played by Jennifer Beals, as you know–was involved in a dance competition.  So um… WHY DIDN’T BETTE DO THE FLASHDANCE DANCE?!  It would have salvaged the entire season, for god’s sake!  So would anything involving Kelly Wentworth and caffeine pills!  Or even one decent sex scene!  Is that really so much to ask?

OK,  you see that?  I always get too worked up during the introduction.  How am I ever going to get through this entire thing?  How are you ever going to?  Who will be the last reader standing?


First, when there’s nothing…

“The L Word” 6×06: “L Word” Intolerant


(You’d think that all lesbians, by default, have the enzyme that enables the digestion of “The L Word” Season Six.  Well, either I’m lacking said enzyme, or it just doesn’t exist.  But I’m hoping beer will perform a lactaid-like function.)

I know I say this every week, but this episode really was the worst one yet.  I swear!  I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever actually begged Bondy to fast-forward through a scene before.  Yeesh.

One realization I had after sitting through this particularly painful episode was that up until now, I had really been taking the show’s gratuitous sex scenes for granted.  But now I truly understand that they are not in fact “gratuitous”.  They serve a very important purpose, which–as any straight man could tell you–is to make even the most excruciating “L Word” episodes at least remotely watchable.

That’s right: this week’s episode did not include any hot girl-on-girl action whatsoever.  Well OK, technically it had one “sex scene” (Tasha jackhammering Alice on the sofa), but it was so far from “hot” that I really can’t count it.  Another sex scene almost happened (Shane and Niki having an artsy darkroom encounter) but alas, Shane’s untimely barfing fit put a quick–not to mention completely gross–stop to that one.

On a side note, this week’s viewing included special guest Campbell.  Previously, the only “L Word” episodes he had seen were from Seasons One and Two.  (Needless to say he was not only disgusted, but also shocked to see Shenny happening.)  And so the question remains: why would he ever want to ruin that by watching this season?  Is he a dedicated lezbro, or just a fool (like the rest of us)?  It’s hard to say.  But now he has no excuse not to read this entire post and leave a relevant comment!  Looking forward to it, bud.

Fish Tacos!!

“The L Word” 6×05: Cats Do It Better


Looking back on this week’s offering, I’m finding myself somewhat at a loss for words.  “Cringeworthy” just isn’t doing this show justice anymore.  I need a better way to describe it.  I mean, my physical reaction to a scene involving something like, say, Helena and Dylan gnawing on each other’s lips, cannot accurately be described as “cringing”.  A cringe is a fleeting little wince.  The sensation I’m getting is more like… broken glass in my stomach.

What’s that, Madge?  Those sound like the classical symptoms of a Showtime-Original-Series-induced stomach ulcer?  Oh crap.  How much time do I have left?  I just hope I live until the evening of March 8–the series finale.  I can’t die in peace without knowing who killed–oh.  Right.  We’re not going to find that out.  Why won’t the lord just take me now!!

(Dykes?  Dramatic?  Nah.)


“The L Word” 6×04: Plastic, paper, lesbians?


You did it again, didn’t you.  You spent your Sunday night on the couch with your gal pals, cable box tuned to Showtime, cringing, complaining, and yelling at the TV.  Tell me, why do you keep putting yourself through this?  Couldn’t you have watched the Grammys or something instead?  You know, I’m starting to think you actually enjoy this.  Mmm hmm. Yeah.  You like it, don’t you.

The hit club, hit, it’s a hit–it’s a hit, it’s hit me…

“The L Word” 6×03: OMFG


OK, team: we got through another one.  That’s three down, five to go.  Phew.  How are we feeling?  Headache?  Dizziness?  Nausea?  Exhaustion?  Emotional distress?

Now listen, you guys.  We can do this!  Need I remind you that this season is a mere eight episodes long–that’s four less than usual, for god’s sake.  We shouldn’t be struggling this much!  Just look at us–less than halfway through and we’re already dragging our feet, gasping for air, begging Ilene for mercy.  Pathetic!  Five seasons of training–Shane ditching Carmen, Dana passing away, Tina dating a man, Jenny being herself, etc., etc.–and this is all we have to show for it?  Unacceptable!  

What we need to do right now is pull ourselves together!  We need to strap on our ugly lesbian shoes and do whatever it takes to clear this Shenny hurdle, along with numerous other Season Six plot line hurdles that most certainly lie ahead.  (Cue Personal Best beach running/heavy breathing/crotch shot montage.)  This our last race–we need to make it to the finish line!  Why?  Um… actually, I’m not sure why.  It can’t be for the reward (there is no reward!).  It can’t be for the pure fun of it (there is no fun!  Well maybe there is–if you watch it with the right people.  And join in the commentfests on these posts.).

I guess this is just our lesbianly duty; we have no choice in the matter.  (Perhaps Ilene has implanted some sort of mind-control chip into all sexy lesbian eyewear and Carhart trucker hats?)  As for the rest of you, I have no idea why you’re putting yourselves through this.

All right, then.  Ready?  OK!  On your mark… get set…


“The L Word” 6×02: Um, EW! Just all-around ew.


Are we still recovering from Sunday night, lezzies?  I think I actually got a hangover from this episode (or was it the beer?  Hm.).  My goodness.  Where to begin?  

Absurd plot twists–OK.  Unrealistic amounts of sex–fine by us!  Bette’s outfits–we’ve learned to deal.  But what’s with this craptacular acting and laughable dialogue?  Come on!  We want the characters’ lives to spiral out of control, not the show’s quality.  Has it always been this bad, or did it just take us six seasons to develop a critical eye?  I, for one, feel that I would be far less critical if Dana were still around, but I’m in therapy for that, and besides, I digress.

How are we ever going to get through this season?  One episode at a time, my friends.  OK, let’s get this over with.

Got your helmet on?