Ah, Regret.

And for the lump on your list…
Tue, 21 December 2010, 12:37 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,

Dear readers, xmas is upon us, and my gingerbread heart is heavy.  And not just because we overdid it with the rainbow M&M roof decorations.  No, it’s just that each year, as everyone scrambles at the last minute to buy the perfect thing for every single person on their list, I can’t help but feel a little empty inside.

If “A Charlie Brown Christmas” or the greeting cards my mom sends me are any indication, xmas is supposed to be about peace, love, and Jesus; instead, it’s about iPads.  Although I’m sure there’s some sort of Bible app available.  But that’s besides the point!  Frenzied, mindless consumerism pervades every aspect of this modern life.  It’s depressing, you guys.

That being said, I sure love getting presents.  And you love me.  And wait, isn’t love one of those xmas things?  (Linus: “DUH.”)  And so… what better way to prove your love this wondrous xmas season than by buying me shit?  You guys, I think my heart just grew three sizes.  Which could be cause for concern since I don’t have health insurance.  Is xmas spirit a pre-existing condition?  (Linus: “Obvs.”)

Now hold on just a minute; put that fruitcake down.  Remember, in order to select the perfect present, you’re going to have to ask yourself two things: not only, “What will Val say about this gift?”, but also, “What will this gift say to Val?”  Because when you get down to it, subtext is critical.  Lesbians love subtext.  Serena and Blair, anyone?  Fried Green Tomatoes?  It’s all about the undertones, people.  You give us a peach, we’ll take… OK never mind, you get the point.

So this could be the perfect opportunity for you to convey a heartfelt sentiment that’s been on your mind all year, but that you’ve have a hard time putting into words.  Or you might just end up giving me the wrong idea.  Either way, awkwardness and regret are lurking behind every Yule log, under every mistletoe.  Isn’t xmas magical?

But don’t panic!  I am here to help.  To put your mind at ease I have compiled this handy holiday gift guide for the lump in your life, including a breakdown of the hidden message behind each gift and a list of the person(s) best suited to give it.  I put eight items on here because it’s vaguely Chanukah-sounding, and I’m still holding out for those gold coins.  (Could be a great stocking stuffer from the Jewish friend who wants to say, “Your blog is the shit!”  Just sayin.)

1. Magical Cupcake and Unicorn Pocket Mirror

($7.00, CakeSpy Shop)

What it says: “I’m aware that the only thing with which you are more obsessed than unicorns is your hair; somehow I find this more cute than obnoxious.”

Recommended for: Those of you who don’t live in Seattle and therefore wouldn’t have to deal with me busting this thing out to obsessively fix my hair in the middle of dinner, during a meaningful conversation, while operating a motor vehicle, etc.

2. Tequila

(Price varies, local liquor store)

What it says:  “I want to take advantage of you, but without having to work too terribly hard for it.”

Recommended for:  Females.  Attractive or *ahem* otherwise.

3. Ugly SmartWool Socks

($18.95, REI)

What it says: “The thought of your feet being warm warms my heart.  Also, you will forever have the fashion sense of a dorky sixth-grader, at least in my mind.”

Recommended for: My mom.

4Side Table

($34.99, Ikea)

What it says: “I enjoy coming over for drinks, but milk crates are not furniture.”

Recommended for:  Frequent guests to my apartment.

5. Basic necessities of life–including, but not limited to, bread, toothpaste, laundry detergent, and toilet paper

(Price varies, local grocery store)

What it says:  “I want to help you maintain the appearance of being the mature, fully functioning adult that your age implies, but that you will never be so long as you continue to spend such a disproportionate amount of your meager income on drink specials and and high-end hair styling products.”

Recommended for:  Fiscally responsible adults.

6. “Daria: The Complete Animated Series [DVD]”

($49.49, Amazon.com)

What it says: “I totally, like… get you.”

Recommended for: My soulmate.

7. Nice (I think?  Can someone confirm?) Shoes

($28.00, Urban Outfitters)

What it says: “I only say this because I care, but FYI–for some occasions in life, Vans may not be your best footwear option.”

Recommended for: Gay male friends; anyone planning to invite me to their New Year’s Eve party, wedding, etc.

8. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

($11.53, Amazon.com)

What it says: “This is an intervention.”

Recommended for: Friends and family members who will be spending a significant amount of time in my presence during the holiday–or any other–season.


12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

can i just get you some AXE pomade and a bunch of 1 oz bottles of jack daniels?

and what would that gift “say”?

Comment by Brendan

That you think I’m a dapper, swingin’ young bachelor?

Comment by VallyO

two christmas miracles. oh my!

also, when did you change the picture to your blog title? your tagline = meatloaf song. i’m finding it delightful.

Comment by originalmf

I wasn’t even aware that there are devices out there called ipads. Do these soak up the blood one cries when we find out that Jesus wasn’t the son of god and his bidet isn’t this weekend? I’m under the impression that the catholic church choose the birth of christ to be in winter to keep people from killing themselves due to sunlight deprivation and ungodly weather conditions. Too bad they were so smart, I would have less people to buy presents for.

Comment by Rae

The ipad has been dubbed “The Jesus Tablet” by industry analysts and frenzied consumers. Take from that what you will.

Comment by VallyO

Oh hi, I got you this:

Comment by amelish

so good

Comment by originalmf


Comment by VallyO

I read your blog today only to be insulted. I was cool before you were born, kiddo. Oh, and BTW, I wear these with Birks.

i will not forget about this insult


Comment by Homo for Xmas

Disrespecting my elders ! Uh… my bad. Well if it makes you feel any better, a) At least your feet are comfortable; and b) Viewing that pic is like looking into a crystal ball, whether I like it or not. Justice will be served by a bratty young dyke that I take under my wing and tell all of my epic lesbian tales of yore, only to be stabbed in the puffy-down-vest-wearing back via smug blog post.

Comment by VallyO

omg i was saving this post until after i took my silly work test, but then i gave in, and now im just pissed i didnt read this earlier so that i could send you gilt (those gold-covered chocolate coins – let’s not dwell on the irony of the name). anyway, im just glad that the lump is back, and in full force. my life is just so much emptier without your sarcasm and surliness. come visit soon; you can challenge tab to glee karaoke on the wii.

Comment by alex

Hi there!

My name is Clara and I study Advertising and PR in the University of Girona (Catalonia). We were asked to create a blog about whatever we wanted. I chose LGBT news as my topic. We were asked to get in touch with people who, in some way, were related to our blog and encourage them to comment our posts, follow us or add us on their blogrolls. As you will see it’s in Catalan, but there’s a translator in English which is quite reliable ^^

I found your blog and I thought you could be interested ;)

Here’s the link:

I really hope you like it.
Thanks for your time ;)

Comment by Clara

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