Ah, Regret.

The Yuletide GAY.

OK, people (and by “people” I mean the three of you who googled “snooki hair bump” to find this blog), it’s xmastime, and that can mean only one thing: my gay little heart is bursting with a whole gingerbread house full of red and green (and the rest of Roy G. Biv) feelings.  Let’s eat.

First and foremost: regret (DUH), for having blogged with such pathetic infrequency this year.  All I can say about that is, my baddd yo.  And while I could take this opportunity to unleash an interminable litany of excuses that would really get your eyes rolling, I will spare you all but the most impressive-sounding one: I’m writing… *dramatic pause*… a novel.  Yes, a novel.  But PLEASE HOLD YOUR QUESTIONS TILL THE END, we have a lot of material to get through today, and you guuuuys my fingers are already feeling fatigued because blogging takes a lot more effort than updating one’s Facebook status.  (Did I mention that the only thing I love more than making excuses is complaining?  What?  You already knew that?  K, moving along.)

My other main feeling of the moment is irritation because, as I’ve already proven conclusively, xmas is so f-ing annoying.  The only things I like about this over-hyped consumerist spectacle of a holiday are 1) xmas lights; and 2) the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, who I’ve seen live in concert because they are AWESOME.  (LASERS.  I rest my case.)

Other than that, xmas basically ruins everything.  For example, did any of you catch “A Very Glee Christmas” the other night?  Worst.  Episode.  EVER!  Too earnest, not that gay, not at all hilarious, crappy song selection.  They could have at least thrown “All I Want for Christmas is You” in there.  Oh well, at least Sue Sylvester got that *SPOILER ALERT* fur-trimmed track jacket.

If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t bother.  Just watch this on repeat for 45 minutes instead:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Anyway.  In the interest of being condescendingly inclusive, I should note that it has recently come to my attention that xmas is not the only December religious celebration of concern.  Any of you guys familiar with Hanukkah?  Chanukah?  Hanuka?  I’m not going to pretend to know how to spell it.  But I am going to pretend to know what it is: a celebration of olive oil, which already deserved its own holiday for being such a great source of omega-3s, but really clinched it by lighting up a lamp in a temple for a bunch of days during cold, dark, Ancient Hebrew Times.  Hence, latkes.  And matzo (matzah?) ball soup, which in this case I can neither spell nor explain, despite having eaten some.

(C)han(n)uk(k)a(h) is eight days long, and I think it’s either over or still going on, if it has in fact started–I’ll have to look that up on Wikipedia and get back to you.  So to the Jews, Happy (C)ha… OK, I am NOT typing that whole thing out again.  But you get the idea.  And one of you better hook me up with some of those chocolate gold coins for that shout-out.

So think of this post as my early xmas gift to you guys.  (Mainly because I’m too broke to actually buy you anything.)  Actually, it’s more of a Chanukah-type deal, because I’ll be writing multiple posts, but you won’t know how many or exactly when until your Jewish friend posts something about it on Facebook.

In conclusion, I’m back.  And better than ever (or at least better than anything else on your Google Reader.  Or at least anything on your Jewish friend’s Facebook wall.)  And we have much to discuss–the novel, the Jerz, my hair– so let’s light the menorah, pop some caffeine pills, and get quackin’.


16 Comments so far
Leave a comment


Comment by virb

oh thank god. it’s been too too long.

Comment by alex

ps. i want to read your novel.

Comment by alex


Comment by originalmf

I thought you were elfishJewish. You practically have a Jewfro. Did you watch the South Park about Jersey? Snooki wants mush mush. I get a lot of flack for hating Xmas. I’ll probably transfer some of the flack I get onto you to get a load off.

Comment by Homo for Xmas

Oh yeah. @alex, I think the novel is about the rise and fall ancient Mesopotamia. Do you still want to read it?

Comment by Homo for Xmas

val, i think you’re really maturing as a writer. just… as a writer.

how did you fuckers comment FIVE TIMES before i even started reading this?

oh, right, because I’m a nagger. a worrier, not a warrior. a woody allen wannabe with no greater platform than facebook. you’re welcome. or, as they say in my non-country, al lo davar. bet you thought it would be shalom.

Comment by wix

i agree with the first line of “wix.”

Comment by Alie Orme

i thought matzo ball soup was for passover…?

Comment by cat


Comment by VallyO

[…] is back, […]

Pingback by it’s a great day « the girl works

a-maz-ing. shit. cool! you’re like hysterical and now i am going to watch glee’s teenage dream on repeat for 45 minutes on your recommendation. <3

Comment by anna

i can’t contain my excitement!

Comment by originalmf

Well done Val, I am excited to see whats next.

Comment by Felicity Dickass

Ha! Jews didn’t stay rich for six thousand years by dishing out gold coins for clever semantics! We keep that shit under a barrel and only occasionally throw it into the fire when our leaders abandon us for a forty day vision quest to go dig his nails into some rocks. Which, you should know, culminates in the destruction of about a third of our population.

Regardless, we appreciate your interest in our rituals, dont get too attached though, it’s an exclusive club. But we encourage you to stay tuned for the next installment of “Smitten from on High”. Thank you and have a nice day.

Comment by Rae

[…] and my gingerbread heart is heavy. […]

Pingback by And for the lump on your list… « Ah, Regret.

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