Ah, Regret.

Vallie & Vallia


Where to begin?  Well, to paraphrase Eric B & Rakim (seems like a good starting point!), It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you / without a new blog to step to.

What?  Sometimes it’s just easier to say things in a song, OK?!  Anyway.  First of all, I have what I believe to be an excellent excuse for not having written in so long: I moved!  (That is, we–as in Erin [is easily outraged] and I–moved.)  That’s right, we said goodbye to Sunny Boulder and hello to Rain City–Seattle, here we are!  (Cue the sound of a thousand unicorns stampeding northwestward.)

Moving is hard, you guys.  Not to mention TIME-CONSUMING!  As in, how am I supposed to blog when THERE’S NEVER ANY TIME!  But more on that later.  For now I’ll just say that I’m sure many of you readers were pleased that our moving / road trip adventure offered you the opportunity to pester me IN PERSON (as opposed to the usual emails, gchats, text messages, etc. etc.) to, for the LOVE OF GOD, BLOG MORE !!!!!!!!!!  And I just want to let you guys know that your feedback is always (read: only when accompanied by you buying me a drink) appreciated.  Thanks, The Management.

Anyway, having been on the road like Kerouac (hm, note to self: write novel; become voice of generation), I am wayyyy behind on the internetz.  So please, dear internet-obsessed readers, leave a comment updating me on the crucial things I’ve missed over the past few weeks.  And by “things” I mean any news or gossip regarding Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, former “L Word” cast members, or any other celebrities with whom I am unreasonably obsessed and like to pretend I know personally.  Or anything else gay or hilarious that happened recently.  (Remember, kids:  You do the work so I don’t have to!)

Now, perhaps at this point some of you readers are finding that your initial blinding euphoria over a new surlylump post has given way to a feeling of puzzlement.  (A roller coaster of emotion–what else would you expect from me?)  It’s about the title of this post… what does it mean?  Well, it’s actually a clever allusion to Julie & Julia, which just so happens to be the film that inspired me to finally get back to my long-lost little blog.  (I should note that Erin took me to see the movie, so you really have her to thank/blame for this post.)

Most of you guys are familiar with this movie by now, even if you haven’t seen it yet (which you should!).  You read the New Yorker, you read the Times… you know everyone is all up in arms about Nora Ephron and Julia Child and the Food Network and the foodie revolution and what does it all mean!

But these people are missing the point.  What they don’t realize–and what I didn’t realize until I saw the film for myself–is that Julie & Julia is not a movie about Julia Child.  It’s not even a movie about food.  Julie & Julia is a movie about BLOGGING.  (And butter.  But mostly blogging!)  Wait–what?  Blogging?  Even though I had read reviews of the movie beforehand, I still was not prepared for this thing to be about blogging–which is probably why I was so surprised when it ended up really striking a chord.

On a side note, I must say that it was odd, yet soooo meta (just like everything else in my life, ever since I first took a cursor to an Edit Blog Post screen) to see a movie about blogging.  Naturally, I will now blog about a movie about blogging.  (And then my computer will barf rainbows and lolcats and Lindsay Lohan’s Twitter page all over the place and then Blue-Screen-of-Death because it JUST. CAN’T. TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!1!1!!1!!111!!!!  You see, machines have feelings, too.  Well mine do, anyway.)

To summarize, the film intertwines the lives of Julia Child, the beloved chef and television personality, and Julie Powell, a blogger who chronicled her attempts to cook all 563 of the recipes in Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  (Powell’s blog is still online–it’s definitely bizarre to read it on my computer screen after having seen it on the big screen.)

My favorite part of this film was, hands down, Julia Child’s voice (or Meryl Streep’s portrayal of it, at least).  Discordant yet charming; hilarious yet dignified.  The following promotional clip for a PBS special presents a montage of Julia Child clips for your enjoyment:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

And my second-favorite part was… JANE f-ing LYNCH!  Wischnia!  Um, why did no one TELL me that she has a role (albeit minor) in this movie!  She plays Dorothy McWilliams, Julia’s younger sister with whom she shares both a tall, gangly appearance and a tendency to emit high-pitched, warbly howls when excited.  This makes their scenes together–especially the one in which the two joyfully reunite in Paris after a long separation–a true delight.  And that’s not just because I’ve never met a Lynch  movie (or television) role I didn’t like!  (Although this is certainly true.)


Quite possibly the greatest actress of our time.

Anyway, as shown in the film, Powell’s blog attracted so much attention that she ended up getting interviewed in the Times Food section, which led to calls from agents and publishers, which lead to a book deal, which led to Ephron writing the screenplay for this film based on Powell’s book and Child’s memoirs.  (All this from a blog with no theme, no embedded videos, no Twitter widget–nothing!  Can you imagine?  Just text.  Sometimes I have to wonder why I even bother! *sigh*)

So what did I take away from Julie & Julia?  Well, basically I realized that yeah, my blog is great, but it’s clearly in need of some sort of… gimmick.  Something to magically catch the attention of a New York Times journalist, thus setting off a series of events that will finally make all the misshapen, beer-soaked, crappy-office-job-holding pieces of my decidedly unimpressive life fall into place (just in time for the big 3-0, or in my case, the big 2-5–I still have two months left!), the completed puzzle forming a beautiful glamour shot of me–the same one displayed on the dust jacket of my new BOOK–because I have metamorphosed from the caterpillar, Failure, to the butterfly, Author, and Ellen Page or someone is portraying me (Jane Lynch could play Campbell!) in an f-ing MOVIE about MY LIFE which = MY BLOG.

So… ideas?

Let’s see.  Going along with my blog title, I could do one regretful thing each day and then post about it.  Oh wait–that’s basically what I do now, except much more posting.  And I certainly haven’t gotten any Times interviews yet (maybe because they don’t have a Regret section?  Wow, I could totally spearhead that.  Times, email me!  I know you read this.), so I’ll just go ahead and cross that one off the list.

Based on the success of my gake post (not to mention Powell’s cooking-related blog), I could chronicle my attempt to make every rainbow baked good possible.  Cookies, doughnuts, muffins… everything!  Ah, I’m getting a headache just thinking about this–and I don’t know if it’s from the dizzying colors, or from the amount of sugar I’d surely consume while preparing said rainbow foods.  Plus you know I’d eat all of the finished products and get fat, and then I’d look like a fat surly cow in my dust jacket picture and Ellen Page would have to put on 30 pounds for the role or wear a fat suit or something.  Ugh!  Scratch that one.

Again, when the going gets tough (read: coming up with ideas is exhausting), I turn to my beloved readers.  Anyone got a good blog gimmick for me?  If it works out, who knows–maybe Jane Lynch will be playing YOU in my movie.  Comment away.  In the mean time, I think I’ll go eat a cake–all this food talk is making me hungry.

Moo!  I mean, bon appetit!


6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I *know* Jane Lynch would play me and she would be naked. If I had any ideas, I would use them myself. My thoughts are proprietary.

Comment by Bondy

ellen page is my size. which means you’d have to get chuy’s sister to play me. hmph.

Comment by Erin

welcome back, val! i missed you so much i stopped blogging too.

obviously margaret cho and/or sarah silverman would play me, so that makes your job a bit easier.

maybe you could do a 3-part themed project every week: have some feelings, write a poem based on those feelings, and bake something rainbow-y based on the poem.

Comment by wix

You moved to Seattle? I was just there! You could have shown me around. How come you weren’t at the Wild Rose last Wednesday? I was!

Comment by Cat

NO F-ING WAY! I was there the Tuesday before last! (Taco Tueday, LOL.) ughhhh. (That place is full of–not to mention staffed–by surly lesbians btw. Which I somehow find more intimidating than comforting.) You better hit me up next time !!

Comment by VallyO

[…] a special place in my heart even before saying ‘20 oz porter house‘ (link by way of a surly lump, who looks after my celebrity gossip […]

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