Ah, Regret.

Here comes the Bad Humor truck
Tue, 16 June 2009, 11:55 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , ,


Let me just start out by saying that all credit for today’s post goes to Virb.  (She thinks of the topic so I don’t have to.  The rest of you readers, take note.)  My parents certainly owe Virb a debt of gratitude, because ever since I blogged about the colors of my (amazing technicolor) parachute, she has dedicated herself to the thankless task of discovering the perfect career choice for yours lumpily.  (I would try to think of ideas myself, but I just really don’t have the time.  I’ve been busy with… stuff.  cough.  smushmrinking.*)

As you may recall from the aforementioned post, for me the real question isn’t, “What color is your parachute?” (duh–rainbow.); it’s “What careers can someone with a gay parachute like yours successfully pursue (read: tolerate)?”  You may also recall that I did come up with a few promising leads, but, frustratingly, each of these–like all of the other career ideas ever postulated by me or anyone else–is ultimately going to end up getting thrown out for one reason or another (i.e. would require me to obtain a graduate degree, and/or work with people, and/or get up early, and/or put forth a great deal of effort…).

So you can see how, when it comes to figuring out a way to attain financial stability in a manner deemed socially acceptable for a college graduate with a middle-class socioeconomic background (*YAWN*–my memoirs should be riveting), Virb could very well be my only hope.  No pressure or anything!

So let’s take a look at what Virb has come up with so far.  First suggestion: Tweeting about wine for a Sonoma County winery.  Virb: “Twittering and alcohol? Sounds like a job for you, Val!”  Well, I can’t say her reasoning one this one isn’t sound.  If there are two things I love–and am (or at least was, in college) darn good at–they are typing little thingamajigs on the internetz and consuming alcohol.  Quite often at the same time!  (Coming soon: blogsfromlastnight.com)

The one teensy, tiny little negative I can see here is that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, qualified to write about wine.  Case in point:

  • “An earthy Pinot Noir–nice acidity, soft mouthfeel, cherry notes. Paired with duck breast and shaved black truffles = a terrific dinner.” (What an oenophile might tweet about wine.)
  • “A Saturday morning–purple-stained teeth and shirt, dry mouthfeel, heavy sense of regret. Paired with a throbbing headache = a TERRIFIC day.”  (What I might tweet about wine.)

So yeah, maybe that wasn’t the job for me after all.  But the other day Virb came up with one that–and I think you guys are going to agree with me here–is a surefire winner: Big Gay Ice Cream Truck driver.


The dream.

Now, I know what you’re thinking–Virb, having already given up all hope, has resigned herself to fabricating hilarious rainbow-themed “jobs” for me for her own amusement.  Well, I’ve got news for you: this profession is (as of last week!) more real than unicorns (which, as this blog has has proven time and again, are 100% real).  And if you don’t believe me–and are currently based in the NYC area–you can go taste the rainbow for yourself!  (And I’ll continue to eat my hetero ice cream out here in the mountains, not the least bit jealous.)

The genius behind this big gay concept is Doug Quint, a “New York-based bassoonist who just finished coursework for his musical arts doctorate at CUNY”.  (One can only hope that his ice cream truck will be blaring soothing bassoon versions of the traditional jingles.)

There are a few noticeable differences between him and Mister Softee. For starters, his concern for Proposition 8 in California, but also his topping selection. The BGICT will offer olive oil and sea salt, Nutella, bacon [!!!], and any suggestions from his clientele, who will earn freebies when they sport his apparel (the tank top is called the “husband beater”).

And what was Mr. Quint’s inspiration for the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck?  Well… ice cream trucks.

“Let’s face it, ice cream trucks are kind of queer, and a middle-aged white man driving one is pretty suspect,” Quint said.

He definitely has a point.  However, I’m beginning to get the sense that what we’re dealing with here is the Big Gay Man Ice Cream Truck, and–judging from the sheer length of the “L Word” recaps** in this blog–I think I would be distinctly under-qualified to take the wheel in such a vehicle.  But although I strongly prefer to give up when the going gets tough, I’m not going to let this career option slip away just yet.  Dear readers, how do we like the sound of the… (drum roll)…

Big Lesbian Ice Cream Truck (BLICT or LBD for short) ?

  • Tagline: “Better than sex–not that you’re having it!”
  • Driver uniform: flannel shirt, cargo shorts, Crocs.  (Mullet optional–might scare small children.)
  • Toppings include rainbow sprinkles, Doritos, entire ice cream cake, tuna fish.
  • Complimentary tissues for customers eating their feelings.

Now all I need is a financial backer (*cough* Brendan) for start-up costs (i.e. truck, flannel shirts with embroidered logo, etc.).  Soon enough, scores of cranky old lesbians will be running out into the streets Boulder, shrieking with girlish delight for their Dorito-topped sex–er I mean, ice cream.  (Hope that didn’t ruin your appetite.)

<<CRUCIAL EDIT>>: In the winter, the BLICT would convert to a fish taco truck.  Mmm, year-round lesbian treats!




11 Comments so far
Leave a comment

val you forgot one of the key points of my imaginary business plan for you! the ice cream truck would be converted into a fish taco truck for those cold boulder winters!

Comment by robotsheep

Soooo true! (This is why I put you in charge.)

Comment by VallyO

can you get a roving liquor license so you can sell booze from the truck?

Comment by Erin


not a bad price but i think if we could put a freezer/cook top in a uhaul truck then you wouldn’t even have to change the paint to identify it as a lesbian ice cream truck. You find the uhaul and i’ll do the electrical work.

Altho if you could convince crider to tow you around in a uhaul trailer you will have pretty much won the gay ice cream war without ever having to serve a scoop.

Comment by Brendan


1) U-haul lesbian ice cream truck = YES
2) Erin towing me around in a U-haul trailer is actually a pretty good visual representation of our relationship. Hmm.

Comment by VallyO

i would definitely haul val around like a carnival attraction, i would assume it would lead to an increase in my funnel cake consumption

Comment by Erin

Have You Been LICT Today?

Comment by hx

I think this might be viable if you also make the business perform mobile oil changes. Erin could do that while you dish it up.

Comment by Bondy

[…] search of the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck. Mainly, for our surly and lump-like friend Val, who’s aspiration currently include selling some food-based product from out of a traveling, converted Uhaul (Help […]

Pingback by sunday, happy sunday « tencents to free

[…] So here’s a somewhat disappointing follow-up to my previous post. It would seem that Big Gay Ice Cream Truck (BGICT) […]

Pingback by Update: BGICT = TITC (Trapped in the Closet)? « Ah, Regret.

[…] rainbows, unicorns, and fattening treats, preferably at the same time–like this, this, or this.  Well so does Jessie Oleson, the writer/illustrator/baker extraordinaire […]

Pingback by CakeSpy: Lump-Tested, Unicorn-Approved « Ah, Regret.

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