Ah, Regret.

I think we all know what color(s) my parachute is.

You may think that, for a directionless 24 year-old with a liberal arts degree and no marketable skills, a Career is nothing more than a pipe dream.  A fantasy.  A pie in the sky.  Wishful thinking.  (OK… I get the point!)  Well, you’re probably right.  But hey, you know what?  If unicorns are real (which they are!), then maybe the idea of me joining the ranks of you Esteemed Professionals isn’t so far-fetched after all.  (All I have to do is believe!  And go to grad school.  *sigh*)


Now, many of you devoted readers will remember one very soild career possibility that I discussed in this blog.  And while I agree that the model/actor gig looks great on paper, let’s face it:  in reality, any number of things could go wrong along the way.  What if I became involved in a cocaine scandal?  What if my TV success failed to translate to the big screen?  What if I dated Kanye West, but people realized we were both each other’s beards, and then even our staged breakup couldn’t garner enough publicity to make my pictures start selling again?  Huh?  What then?

Furthermore, even if I did make it big, it’s not like I’d be set for life.  I may be young and beautiful now, but what happens when I’m 30?  I wouldn’t even be able to get my old job at Hooter’s back!  I’d be ruined!  You think I’d be able to Tweet myself back into cultural relevancy like MC Hammer did?  Forget about it!

Whoa, OK.  I need a Plan B–and I’m not talking about the pill.   (Unless there’s some sort of “career pill” on the market now–I definitely need that.  Whether or not it’s been evaluated by the FDA.)  What I need is a list of potential professions.  And so let’s ask ourselves:  what could be a suitable Career for a lump like me?




My qualifications:  Love of books; strong alphabetization skills; demonstrated shushing abilities.

Pros:  Sitting at a desk (read: blogging) all day; shushing people; sexy lesbian eyewear.

Cons:  Patrons interrupting my blogging with stupid/annoying questions; homeless people hanging around all day; friends not realizing that librarians can be cool(!).


Gym teacher


My qualifications:  College degree; illustrious high school sports career; huge dyke.

Pros:  Paid holidays and summer vacation; no papers to grade; casual dress code. 

Cons:  Possibly being required to teach Sex Ed; definitely being expected to coach sports teams; kids.




My qualifications:  Excellent written and oral communication skills; argumentative demeanor; angry/mean-looking default facial expression.

Pros:  Decent salary; parental approval; the privilege of putting “Esquire” after one’s name on return address labels.

Cons:  Two words:  law school.


Ariel Levy


My qualifications:  Um… I just really, really want to be her.

Pros:  Good looks; wittiness; writing skills worthy of publication in New York, The New Yorker, and Slate; a dyke, to boot!

Cons:  n/a


So um… thoughts?  Suggestions?  

Job offers?


12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

val, you never fail to make me smile.

im finding your recent ariel levy obsession pretty fantastic. you forgot one more pro, though: jewish (so you know you can take her home to mom. or at least mine)

Comment by iwentwest

“illustrious high school sports career”? that’s a bit of a stretch, no? I mean, you’re athletic and all, but you’re no Sue Flamini.

Comment by Cat

Ha shut up Cat! I made all-county, and I’m going to make a great gym teacher.

Comment by VallyO

“First let me explain my qualifications. I am a certified University of Delaware Fitness Specialist, which means that I attended 10 hours of training and completed three intensive exams–written, oral, and practical–based on the material that was covered. For my job, I supervise at the student fitness centers on campus (the weight room at the CSB, as well as the Rodney, Pencader, and Harrington satellite sites), meaning that I have to enforce the UD fitness policies, answer questions and assist students using the fitness center, respond to emergencies, perform equipment maintenance, and clean the facilities. (I also work for the CSB Building Staff–front desk, equipment desk, and facility monitor–but these jobs are unrelated to my specialist work.) As a specialist, I can give fitness assessments and personal training for students and staff (which have to be paid for through the CSB cashier). Of course, I am also willing and eager to help out my friends free of charge. While I’m not a professionally certified personal trainer, I have a solid base of knowledge and experience in the areas of exercise and nutrition.” — Val to the University of Delaware Women’s Ultimate Team, February 2006

Comment by hx

Well that was certainly fascinating… thank you

Comment by VallyO

i think there’s a market for rainbow bedazzled tequila bottles. i think you should corner it!

thanks for the lovely gift. i enjoy your DIY attitude. the innaugural ltc will have to include an arts and crafts segment.

Comment by originalmf

so you should add beverage entrepreneur and bottle designer to that list.

Comment by originalmf

what was friday night shelley?!?! i’ll assume our LTC meant nothing to you since you’re planning the inaugural one with val. hmph

Comment by Erin

i thought that was a logistical meeting. you know…for planning things…and practicing my dice roll.

hmm. there WAS a small amount of tequila consumed.

Comment by originalmf

[…]  I wish I wrote this.  (I need a humorous/gay article in a literary publication to get Ariel to know I exist!) […]

Pingback by “You must introduce your cubicle mate to the spectrum…” « Ah, Regret.

[…]  It must be the GRUELING pace of my life! […]

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[…] note.)  My parents certainly owe Virb a debt of gratitude, because ever since I blogged about the colors of my (amazing technicolor) parachute, she has dedicated herself to the thankless task of discovering the perfect career choice for yours […]

Pingback by Here comes the Bad Humor truck « Ah, Regret.

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