Ah, Regret.


“The L Word” 6×07: Lost Opportunity

reality

OK, good news/bad news time.  Good news:  Compared to last week’s cringefest, 6×07 was Emmy-worthy.  (Which really, really isn’t saying much.  But still.)  Bad news:  The amount of sexual activity on this show is still right on par with that of an actual lesbian.  (Yes–“The L Word” has LBD.  I mean, I know we’re going on five years, but come on.  It’s a drama series, not a reality show!)

And now, let’s have a moment of silence for an opportunity that was tragically lost in this episode:  Bette–played by Jennifer Beals, as you know–was involved in a dance competition.  So um… WHY DIDN’T BETTE DO THE FLASHDANCE DANCE?!  It would have salvaged the entire season, for god’s sake!  So would anything involving Kelly Wentworth and caffeine pills!  Or even one decent sex scene!  Is that really so much to ask?

OK,  you see that?  I always get too worked up during the introduction.  How am I ever going to get through this entire thing?  How are you ever going to?  Who will be the last reader standing?

PUSH IT!

6×07: “Last Couple Standing”

The gang (which may or may not be Scooby-Doo-like) is at the Los Angeles GLBT Center dance marathon fundraiser, which–if Alice’s flower-power face paint and Kit’s Foxy Brown getup are any indication–involves dressing up in ’70s-themed outfits.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been leery of themes ever since last week’s baby shower debacle.  But I think “’70s” could prove a lot easier to work with than “Willy Wonka and the Fawkward Factory”, so I’ll go along with it for now.

Time for the Crazy Jenny Show.  Jenny, who is overcome with outrage, confronts Bette about her supposed indiscretion with Kelly Wentworth.  (No, no, Jenny.  You’re supposed to text the pic to Gossip Girl!)  Bette denies it, but Jenny insists she saw it with her own two eyes.  Her own two craaazy eyes.  Bette walks away to go talk to Tina, leaving Jenny to go tell everyone that Bette had sex with Kelly, and they’ll all believe her even though they know she’s crazy.  Must… suspend… disbelief…

Tina tells Bette that she totally got offered a job in New York.  Bette:  “Shut UP!!  You’re a rock star!”  Omg, why is Bette talking like a 16 year-old from 2005?

 Then Alice starts asking them about the Marcie situation.  They tell her about how they want Marcie to come live with them so they can legally adopt her forthcoming baby.  Alice  launches into a lecture about how maybe that’s not a good idea, because Marcie is young and cute and maybe one of them might accidentally have an affair with her.  You know, the mother of the baby they want to adopt.  It’s a possibility.  (I mean, given Bette’s history with the hired help, I see where Alice is coming from, but I still think it’s a bit of a stretch.)  Bette, already on edge, loses her cool:  “NO!  It’s not a possibility, OK?!  I am not some fucking loose cannon that fucks everything that walks, OK?”  (Yeah, isn’t that Shane?)

No, Bette is not a fucking Loose Cannon.  These are fucking Loose Cannons:

mfs

Right.  OK, so I think we need to take a look at what various people are wearing right now:  Tasha looks like Rudy from the  Fat Albert Gang; Kit looks like Pam Grier squeezed into her old Foxy Brown outfit; and Jamie, who I guess is trying to pull a Village People, is wearing some sort of Native American garb (Madge:  “Look, it’s Poke-me-hontas!”).  I’m warming up to this ’70s theme thing–it’s actually getting a few lols.

The dance marathon kicks off with a disco ball, Soul II Soul (“Back to Life”–this song is the shit.), and of course, line dancing.  (Bondy:  “Now it’s getting gay!”)  Speaking of gay, Bondy has a disco ball in her basement.  And this was the perfect time to turn it on for the remainder of the episode.  In case you were wondering, we refrained from actually dancing (which in my case is definitely a good thing), but I’m pretty sure Madge was dying to bust a move.

OK fine, back to… the show  (How ever do you want me…).  Erin would like everyone to note that during the line dance scene, it’s clear that Tasha is wearing a sports bra–not a “regular” bra.  (Guess I was too busy staring at Tasha’s SMILE to notice!)  See?  Even fancy West Hollywood lesbians wear sports bras when they go out.  Good for you, honey.

Anyway.  Niki rolls in with her Fav 5 and makes a beeline for Shane.  Despite the fact that Shane practically barfed on her the last time they hooked up, it would appear that Niki is interested in giving it another go.  Which makes sense, because personally I find that just because you barf on someone, it doesn’t mean they’ll never want to have sex with you again (phew).

(Madge:  “Why are they wasting screen time on this stupid crap?!”  Because it’s “The L Word” Season Six, that’s why.)

Jenny and Shane are up first in the dance competition.  Shane wears a tux and they do some stupid tango thing.  My question is, why isn’t Jenny doing her crazy circus dance?  They basically end up making out on the floor at the end.  (Madge:  “That was lame.”  Yup.)

And now for the highlight of the episode, if not the entire season (I’m confident that nothing in Episode 8 will affect this statement):  Tasha, Alice, and Jamie are dressed up like Salt-n-Pepa.  (Madge:  “Tasha looks good with that hair!”  Mmm hmm.)  They are doing a dance to… omg is that… “P-push it real good!”  YES!  Words can’t even describe this dance routine.  Well, maybe one–“awesome.”  When did Alice get so good at choreography?  When I look back on this season, I hope the only thing I remember is this ’90s-tastic scene.  (And also Helena falling off the treadmill.)

Shane and Niki are having a little rendezvous in the ladies’ room.  Now, is Niki holding Shane’s hair back because she ate too many oysters again, or could this actually be… a sex scene?!  Yessss, finally!  Only one problem:  THIS SCENE WAS ONLY 5 SECONDS LONG.  Wtf!  We had to watch Helena and Dylan have weird cat-grooming sex for MINUTES, and the Shane/Niki thing is over in the blink of an eye?  SO not right!

Ah, but the worst is yet to come.  It’s Bette and Tina’s turn in the dance competition.  They take the stage.  Why am I not hearing those opening synthesizer chords?  “Fiiirst, when there’s nothing… but a slow, glowing dream…”  Why am I not hearing those words?  Ilene, why are you not taking Bette’s passion and making it happen?!  WHY IS SHE NOT DANCING THROUGH MY LIFE?!?!

OK, I’m done (for now).  Our last contestants of the night are Jodi and what’s-her-face.  Obviously Jodi is going to win because Marlee Matlin was just on “Dancing with the Stars”.  She does, and Bette is shocked and dismayed.  I guess she doesn’t watch network TV.

Now it’s time for Crazy Jenny to hatch yet another scheme to lose friends (if she had any to begin with) and annoy people into a state of murderous rage.  She tries to convince Niki to auction off a date with herself to the highest bidder, with the proceeds going to the GLBT center.  Niki, momentarily forgetting that she was psychologically manipulated by Jenny not all that long ago, agrees.

Aaand… you guessed it!  Jenny throws down $25,000 in the winning bid, then goes up on stage and announces (to Shane), “Now you don’t have to fuck her in a bathroom anymore.”  (See, open relationships can work!)  Um, is Shane on board to kill Jenny yet?

Sunset (minus drag) tries approaching Kit again.  Perhaps fearing another drink to the face (or worse!), he reveals his identity this time.  Instead of rejoicing and heading back to his place for the night, Kit gets upset.  She feels “betrayed”; she never would have told all those things to “a man”!

So just because Sunset isn’t wearing a dress, Kit suddenly doesn’t like him anymore?  Hmm.  Well, she’s dressed like Foxy Brown, and the script often makes her sound like Foxy Brown, so I guess she has to be distrustful towards men, too.  Oh well–at least one character on this show gets a nod to their hilariously iconic TV/film role.

Bette and Tina arrive at the bus stop to pick up Marcie, but you know she’s not going to get off that bus, becasue then they couldn’t adopt G.I. Joe Junior.  And… nope, no Marcie.  On a side note, Bette’s outfit in this scene seemed completely normal until the camera panned out at the end, revealing her knee-high black leather boots.  Which is a bigger joke on this show:  Bette’s wardrobe, or Kit’s lines?

The marathon is winding down, and the only couple left on the dancefloor is… Tasha and Alice.  Aww.  But Alice asks Tasha if she’d rather be with Jamie instead of her.  (Nooo! Jamie’s character was supposed to lead to a hot threesome, not Tasha and Alice breaking up!)  Tasha:  “I’m not ready to let you go.”  Phew!  If they broke up I would have cried, and then all of you would have made fun of me.  And hasn’t this show put me through enough already?

Next week:  SERIES.  FINALE.  Molly is making an appearance?  Ha.  I hope Ilene popped a few caffeine pills, because we have a LOT of loose ends to tie up (except for one).  There’s never any time!

[P.S. I’ll insert a “Gossip Girl”, “Saved by the Bell”, Foxy Brown, or Flashdance reference wherever I please.]

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8 Comments so far
Leave a comment

this episode filled me with a lot of outrage for what could have been. you know i wanted to see bette dancing through out lives more than anyone. this post filled me with outrage at times too, hmph!

anyways…why wasn’t spano in this episode? kelly wentworth could have danced to “go for it” by hot sundae. i bet Tiffani Amber Thiessen would have been her partner, or screech. Both Elizabeth Berkeley and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen were on dancing with the stars too!!!

The idea of Marcie having an affair with Bette or Tina (Bette) is ridiculous. wasn’t the carpenter already gay? But i guess Bette did kind of turn Kelly gay, so maybe…still, i find this idea preposterous even with bette’s slippery slopes involved.

The Salt-n-Pepa dance was awesome (btw’s where was Papi showing off her Latina dance moves in this ep?) anyways, i’d rather have sweet dances like this one and then actual sex scenes instead of trying to combine them into one sex dance (tina and bette, shenny, etc)

Also, last i checked Jamie and Alice came up with this fundraiser idea a week or two ago, right about the time Tina was hopping a flight to NYC, then her flight go in right before the dance. when did they have time to choreograph that dance?!!? also who was watching their kid for say the last 30 hours?!!

of course Jenny was easily able to outwit Niki, she’s really stupid now, remember? also jenny is crazy. I know she sold that treatment for $500,000, but really that’s not that much money when you’re dropping $25000 in one night and drive a Porsche in LA, especially since she was complaining of being “totally broke” before she stole alice’s treatment.

I think Marcie would have been great for the show. Yes i saw baby mama, alice, and it was hilarious!!!

yeah the three-some is definitely not going to happen now, lame.

Comment by Erin

The thing I’m most outraged about is how Jodi and her partner won the contest. I’m sorry, this is mean but you could definitely tell that Jodi couldn’t hear the music therefore dance with rhythm. The judges’ votes were therefore pity votes and I know Jodi wouldn’t stand for that. On a side note, Val, I apparently have been anxiously awaiting this post as I had a dream last night that I called you and asked what the hell was taking so long.

Comment by Cat

LOL! That is SO creepy/awesome

Comment by VallyO

whoa!!!!

okay, it’s clear that i seriously need to see this episode. god, what’s wrong with me?

okay, now that ive said that:

hilarious. honestly, im not even sure i WANT to see the episode now. everything i would have wanted to happen obviously didnt, but luckily you called ilene out on them all.

is it bad that i DO sort of want someone – preferably tasha – to hook up with jamie? she’s actually pretty hot (i know, i know! im admitting attraction to another asian!).

tell me at some point bette tells tina about jenny’s crazy accusation / stalkerness? cause that is SO going to bite her in the ass if she doesnt.

also: cat, im a little miffed at your comment! im going to disagree on the marlee matlin front, i mean hello, wasnt beethoven deaf, too? vibrations, lady (oh! read: a lezzie’s best friend!)

as for the season finale: im not holding my breath. in a perfect world: helena is with dylan, no drama. bette is with tina, no drama. kit actually holds down a man, girl. max is … content? and has a baby daddy. jesse spano is with… nikki? (it’d make the most sense, wouldnt it??)… shane is with molly (oh heck, while we’re wishing on stars lets just make it shane and trade jenny for dana on the dead people bus?).

that is all.

love,
me.

Comment by iwentwest

I know I know, they can feel the vibrations. You haven’t seen the episode yet. All I’m saying is, maybe the vibrations aren’t enough to win a dance competition against a really awesome Salt n Pepa dance. By the way, I don’t know whom I’m addressing here, other than that you are Asian. I don’t know who “iwentwest” is…who are you?

Comment by Cat

okay, so i need to learn how to link myself to my name. val, some help here?

actually, i watched [almost all of] the episode last night. some thoughts so far:

i get the tasha / jamie connection (yum!), but when did alice pick up on it?? i thought she was still lost in her own little yellow fever crush?? also, could she be more obnoxious? hello, bette was trying to tell tina about her Spanoish [fake] dinner. super uncool, Al (but nice camel toe).

i thought the bette / tina dance was actually sort of hot, especially interspersed with the nikki/shane stuff. but what was with nikki’s boring hair?

could jenny be more awful? oh wait, yes.

okay, cat, i concede. push it was awesome.

ps. you totally know me. we’ve marked each other multiple times. thanks for the memories.

Comment by iwentwest

Oh, PLEASE let the the ghost of Dana show up in the finale!

(…a girl can dream, can’t she?)

Comment by VallyO

ok — so not to ruin anything but i was looking the L word up on wikipedia — i don’t know why but i thought they’d have the showtime… annnd they have the list of characters and the seasons they were a part of… annd (wait for it…) — dana is definitely appearing in the finale (or else wikipedia lied to me)… carmen is too…. ::i think::

Comment by slb




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