Ah, Regret.

“The L Word” 6×06: “L Word” Intolerant


(You’d think that all lesbians, by default, have the enzyme that enables the digestion of “The L Word” Season Six.  Well, either I’m lacking said enzyme, or it just doesn’t exist.  But I’m hoping beer will perform a lactaid-like function.)

I know I say this every week, but this episode really was the worst one yet.  I swear!  I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever actually begged Bondy to fast-forward through a scene before.  Yeesh.

One realization I had after sitting through this particularly painful episode was that up until now, I had really been taking the show’s gratuitous sex scenes for granted.  But now I truly understand that they are not in fact “gratuitous”.  They serve a very important purpose, which–as any straight man could tell you–is to make even the most excruciating “L Word” episodes at least remotely watchable.

That’s right: this week’s episode did not include any hot girl-on-girl action whatsoever.  Well OK, technically it had one “sex scene” (Tasha jackhammering Alice on the sofa), but it was so far from “hot” that I really can’t count it.  Another sex scene almost happened (Shane and Niki having an artsy darkroom encounter) but alas, Shane’s untimely barfing fit put a quick–not to mention completely gross–stop to that one.

On a side note, this week’s viewing included special guest Campbell.  Previously, the only “L Word” episodes he had seen were from Seasons One and Two.  (Needless to say he was not only disgusted, but also shocked to see Shenny happening.)  And so the question remains: why would he ever want to ruin that by watching this season?  Is he a dedicated lezbro, or just a fool (like the rest of us)?  It’s hard to say.  But now he has no excuse not to read this entire post and leave a relevant comment!  Looking forward to it, bud.

6×06: “Lactose Intolerant”

This episode’s opening music is… the Ooompa Loompa song.  (Great, the scene has barely even started and I’m already doubled over in stomach pain.)  It appears that the Scooby-Doo gang is decorating for some sort of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”-themed party.  What is it?  Someone’s birthday?  Oh god, please say it’s not… oh crap, it is.  It’s a baby shower.  For Max.  Oh AWESOME, this should really go well!

Dylan and Helena arrive at the house, barely able to pry their lips apart long enough to make a polite entrance.  Seeing a golden opportunity to ruin EVERYTHING, Jenny walks over and casually lets Dylan in on the details of the “Test” from last week’s episode.  Dylan gets upset and storms out.  (Why would Helena, the victim of Dylan’s gold-digging scheme, feel the need to put Dylan through a test before trusting her unconditionally?).  Everyone (except Shane) becomes indignant with our favorite little life-ruiner.  Seriously, how is Jenny still getting invited to things?  None of these people (except Shane) even consider themselves her “friend”.  Helena (to Shane):  “I’m gonna fucking kill your girlfriend!”  (Shank her already!)

In the midst of the Jenny-induced havoc, Max shows up.  And… I’m sorry, but I can’t even bring myself to outline the rest of this horrendously awkward scene.  The only points worth noting are that Shane flirtatiously smokes a joint with Jamie in the kitchen (until Jenny steps in to basically tell Shane to stop being herself, despite having claimed to love her just the way she is), and Kit drinks some wine–um, wait, isn’t she an alcoholic?  How has no one noticed that she’s fallen off the wagon?

Perhaps she was inspired by Helena, who is currently drinking her feelings.  And she has a loooot of feelings right now, so needless to say she is double-fisting–and not in the sexual sense.  (That was for you, Alex.)

Anyway, why are these people torturing Max with a fake-cheerful baby shower when being pregnant makes him miserable?  Have they always been this insensitive?  I mean come on, not even Tasha is feeling a little uncomfortable?  Max essentially ends up having a panic attack and begging Tina and Bette to take his baby.  Wow, who could have seen that one coming?

Next scene:  Joyce Wischnia, all-purpose lesbian attorney at law!  OK, this is promising!  Tina and Bette are seeking her counsel regarding their recent adoption scheme (which just has to fall through if they’re going to take Max’s baby!).  While they’re yapping, Joyce is texting Phyllis, because Season Six is all about texting (Did Ilene just get her first cell phone or something?).  Discussing her upcoming wedding, Joyce again mentions the man who has agreed to administer their vows, “Gavin Newsom, mayor of San Francisco” (since most of you “L Word” viewers probably still don’t know who he is!).

Tasha, Alice, and their new bff Jamie are hanging out at Tasha and Alice’s apartment.  They just got back from working out at the gym together, so they’re all, you know, sweaty, giggly, full of adrenaline… Is it finally threesome time, as last week’s preview had us believe?

No!  It is not threesome time.  All of the components are there–Jamie undressing and taking a shower, Tasha seeing Jamie completely naked, Tasha and Alice having (extremely unsexy) sex on the couch–and yet the deed never gets done.  I’m really running out of patience for this steamy three-way to happen, and the Tasha/Alice thing (come on, there are eighth grade boys with better skills than that) was decidedly unsatisfactory as a substitute.  *sigh*

Tina and Bette’s home remodeling project is still going in full force, and the leader of the construction crew is–you guessed it–a huge lesbo.  But not, as one might expect, a sexy lesbo with whom Bette can explore slippery slopes.  First of all, she is sporting that rather misguided hair style known as the “rat tail”. (Oh, I’m sorry Bondy…I’m sure it looked really good on you back in the ’80s.)  Also, based on her exaggerated talk of how much she likes men, it becomes clear that she is unaware of the fact that she is a lesbian.  I hope Tina and Bette will let her know that she’s gay.  It may take a while, but eventually she’ll break down.  Just look at Erin!

Jenny gives Shane the present she “made” for her, which is a photography studio.  Wow, it was really nice of her to provide Shane with a place to have sex with pretty girls who are not Jenny.

Over at Hit, Helena continues to drown her sorrows with hard liquor.  (What better way is there?)  Kit has an “Mmm hmm”-peppered chat with Sunset Boulevard, as usual.  She also squeezes his biceps and says “That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.”  Uh huh.

Bette is putting the finishing touches on her Spano-funded gallery exhibition.  She takes a break to talk to Tina on the phone.  Spano–OK fine, Kelly–alerts Bette to a “crisis” that will require her to immediately get off the phone with her partner and, who knows, maybe even forget all about her and sleep with Kelly!  The crisis:  there might not be enough oysters for everyone at the reception!  (Bondy:  “How about clams!”  Erin:  “Bearded clams!”  Campbell:  “Fish Tacos!!”)

Kelly continues her increasingly futile efforts to get Bette to sleep with her.  Bette continues to resist.  Look, Elizabeth… you’re just not Spano anymore.  Those were the pre-Botox days.  But hey, we’ll always have Bayside High…

Tasha and Alice are over at Jamie’s apartment.  (And from the looks of the place, she must be Amercia’s highest-paid social worker.)  She has a cute puppy named Bubba, who looks just like Handsome Dan.  (Ilene must have discovered “Gossip Girl” last year in addition to cell phones.)  Anyway, still no threesome.  *yawn*

The whole gang shows up for opening night at the gallery.  Helena, remarkably immune to alcohol poisoning, seats herself at the open bar so that she can continue her bender.  Shane eats some oysters (the food!), and a disgusted Jenny remarks that she doesn’t like them because they remind her of “a guy coming in your mouth”.  Um first of all, ew.  And secondly, that’s not even true.  But you know what, that’s a debate for another time and another blog.

Niki rolls in with her crew.  (Erin:  “Oh my god, did she bring her Fav 5?”)  Niki:  “Hey Sexy Shane.”  Shane:  “Sup Nik.”  Thank god, they’re finally going to do it.

Sunset, minus his usual womanly attire (Campbell:  “Wait, is that…”  Us:  “YES!”), moseys on over to where Kit is standing and tries to put the moves on.  Kit, Lois Lane-style, doesn’t recognize him, and hence throws her drink in his face.  Oof.

In a scene second only to “Max’s Baby Shower” in unwatchability, Tasha and Jamie have an h2h about how both of their fathers were physically abusive.  Apparently Tasha had never mentioned this minor detail to Alice before.  Ahh, so awkward.  Make it stop!

Shane is giving Niki a tour of her darkroom.  She shows her a photo of Molly that she’s developing.  (Um, I guess they still have two more episodes to reunite…)  They start to kiss.  FINALLY, time for a hot sex scene!  But just as I’m starting to unclench my fists, Shane abruptly pulls away from Niki and… barfs.  All over the picture of Molly.  (Maybe they won’t reunite?)  We all let out a collective groan.  WHY GOD WHYYYY!

Bette is back at her house after the show.  Kelly, who is quite obviously drunk (or hopped up on caffeine pills?), shows up at her door swigging a bottle of champagne and giving her the “fuck me” look.  (Campbell:  “Spano’s scammin’ on her!”)  I refuse to believe, for even a minute, that this scene will involve any sex whatsoever.  Wastey-face Kelly tries to smoosh her Botox lips all over Bette’s face, and knocks over the champagne bottle in the process.  Bette:  “Nice move, Wentworth.”  Yowch.  You know you’re pathetic when you can’t even get Bette to let you slip down her slope.

Bette kneels down next to Kelly to clean up the mess.  In an added plot twist–that is completely lacking in originality, and furthermore, annoying as shit–nosy neighbor Jenny looks through the window and sees the two of them in the kitchen.  But from her angle it looks like Bette is–of course!–performing a certain, er, act (you know, the one that Niki doesn’t count as “sex”) on Kelly.  So our beloved little Jenny pulls out her camera phone and snaps a picture.  You know you love her.  xoxo.

Next week:  Wait, no preview for next week?!  Well I, for one, am relieved–that’s thirty more seconds of “The L Word” that I don’t have to deal with :)


10 Comments so far
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thank god for val.claire. seriously, this episode was atrocious. the entire baby shower scene was SO awkward and insensitive. i hate that the season has become the “how insanely atrocious can jenny be before i punch my way into the tv and do the killing deed myself” show/ my god. and if ilene keeps f’ing over helena im going to cry.

at least we got to see jamie naked this episode – now, that’s a hot halfie (and her dad is the one who’s asian!!!).

oh! and the drag queen? LOVE it. i totally hadnt recognized him (in fact, i thought kit freaked him out with all the muscle talk). maybe ilene is finally giving pammy grier what she deserves after 5 years of “mmm hmm, girl”s. maybe.

oh and the compromising position jenny snapped bette in? is this SERIOUSLY going to work? bette and tina are ridic codependent; in real life, b would have called t that night, and been all, ohmigod spano put the moves on me, but i shoved her off and there was glass breakage and you know you can trust me baby. but then again, this is the l word and ilene enjoys torturing us all, so… lets get uhauled lesbians pregnant and then turn them all into single mothers! woot!

two more things:
bondy, did you really have a rat tail? i think i love you.
val, did you see rose rollins on the liz feldman show on AE? she’s freaking gorgeous. BUT also totally disses season 6. at least the actors realize theyre working with abs poop.


Comment by iwentwest

b and t? who are you gossip girl. obvs you are trying to be, signing your post xoxo. don’t think i didn’t notice.

Comment by Erin

I’m still reeling from the oompah loompah thing. I mean, I’ve been to a lot of baby showers and never, ever, was there a theme besides babies…and after living in the mountains, there were even joints but never a costume for the pregnant “lady.” That scene lasted forever. I feel robbed of a part of my life.

I guess Kit’s been too busy checking out Sunset’s body to notice his eyes. They are a dead giveaway w/ or w/o fake (rip) lashes. And I guess Campbell was also too busy checking out Sunset’s voluptuous body.

Nobody wants to have sex in a darkroom. Trust me. I had a darkroom in my giant ass closet in high school and our entire house became a sex free zone.

I thought Bette pushing away (I don’t even know her name because you kids got me all confused with that bell show) what’s her toes was rude. Bette used her to get the gig and it was clear what was expected in return.

I bought a treadmill over the weekend. I thought “Get a treadmill, Helena will come.” So far, nothing.

bondy I invented the frickin’ rat tail bondurant

Comment by Bondy

first of all hmph! we all know if was marie’s touch that did the trick, not her constant verbal insinuations.

also alex, what do you think about val using the scooby gang to describe the cast of the l-word…i think it should stay a buffy thing.

bondy – maybe it wasn’t the darkroom, although those do stink…maybe it was the rat tail…just sayin.

I find if ridiculous that there is only 1 therapist and 1 lawyer in all of LA. maybe Wischnia is doing the work pro-bono.

Also jamie got that apt while she was in school at USC…so maybe it’s in the same part of town as usc, thus making it affordable and super dangerous. maybe tasha will have to come over to protect her. jeez um when are they going to have a 3 way and get it over with!!! it’s not even going to be good if/when it happens b/c i’m going to be so angry it took this long.

It isn’t enough for jenny to ruin the lives of all the characters on the l word, she has to try and ruin part of my life too. I mean if that thing about oysters had even been remotely true and she brought that to my attention…blaaaah. and didn’t shane used to pretend to be a boy and turn tricks before the rich lady (cheri jaffe?) saved her she went to hairdresser school? she knows what that tastes like.

kit was drinking a lot of wine in this episode, maybe she was so drunk she didn’t recognize sunset blvd. usually seeing people spiraling out of control makes me happy, but all they showed was helena pounded a bunch of drinks…do something ridiculous like throw a bottle at jenny’s head for god sakes, or i don’t know…SHANK HER!!!

also they are ripping too many pages from GG book. handsome dan?! camera phone catching alleged cheaters in the act?! i’m surprised jenny didn’t send the pic to LA’s lesbian gossip girl (alice??)

Comment by Erin

[…] Jenny won’t even eat oysters for god’s sake. […]

Pingback by Kanye isn’t gay, he just really loves lesbos « Ah, Regret.

ugh, erin, seriously. josh schwartzie needs to sue the crap out of ilene.

re the scoobies – im going to agree. there’s nothing remotely scoobylike about the l word cast. unless you count the fact that max looks like shaggy. but with saggy boobs (seriously, isn’t it enough that Daneila Sea felt ostracized from the rest of the cast with her atrocious storyline? they had to go and show us her “gloriously” changing body, too? jesus. they could have at least used extra plastic leftover from the prosthetic belly. lets just say she’s no laurel holloman).

agree on the jamie front. the chick is in nonprofit. i dont care where she went to school; no way that place is anywhere close to WeHo.

speaking of GG; dont you wish there were a dorota to slap some sense into jenny? oh wait, that’s kit. but just less funny (and more excruciatingly painful)

also erin, way to remember that sordid bit of shane’s past!!! and yeah, puking all over molly’s picture? lets just hope that wasnt ilene’s idea of foreshadowing.

someone drown jenny yesterday. oh wait, already taken care of.

Comment by iwentwest

I’ve never seen or heard of GG. So I went to IMDB and now I think, after reading this review, I might never see it.

TV for the easily entertained, 28 March 2008
Author: stephenm-18 from United Kingdom

Admittedly I only watch this type of thing with my girlfriend and I know shows like this aren’t meant to be high art – but even as chewing gum TV this show fails miserably.

I can only imagine that the writers of this show hold their intended audience in utter contempt:- The characters are lazily sketched, the plot is improbable, the script bears absolutely no relation to the way real people talk – I know this is a show about the super rich American teenagers so it’d never going to plumb the depths of the human soul but even so you can almost hear the crank turning as the plot develops.

Some very crude and laboured cultural references paired with almost universally mechanical acting serve only to highlight the lack of quality writing in this show when compared to much better “teen shows”.

In short this is dumb TV. The situations in which the protagonists find themselves in, make the similarly puerile “Veronica Mars” seem like gritty, hard-boiled realism. Watching the first episode of this was in fact the longest hour of my life.

It’s like “Cruel Intentions” on heavy prescription pain killers.

I could actually feel my IQ dropping as one laboured, heavy-handed and obvious scene played into the next like so much paint drying.

Comment by Bondy

Call me “easily entertained”, but…

I’d love to read this poor old chap’s meticulously-written reviews of the romantic comedies his girlfriend drags him along to on date night.

News flash, buddy: “Gossip Girl” is not “The Wire”. In my humble opinion, it is extremely successful as “chewing gum TV”. It’s a hilariously over-the-top teen soap opera. “Plausibility” is beside the point.

If he doesn’t want to watch a bunch of rich, ridiculously beautiful young people send each other gossipy text messages, engage in far-fetched dialogue, and otherwise live their glamorously unrealistic lives, then he should probably find himself a new gf.

Furthermore, although Ilene has clearly taken a few cues from GG, it’s too bad she missed the most important one: (to its target audience) it’s actually an enjoyable television program.

Comment by VallyO

P.S. Best GG live-blogging on teh internetz: http://rightmindleftcoast.wordpress.com/tag/gossip-girl-posts-galore/

Comment by VallyO

this guy is stupid, he also says how Veronica Mars was so bad, when we all know that VM rules (it was well received by critics but got canceled due to low ratings)

Comment by Erin

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