Ah, Regret.

“The L Word” 6×04: Plastic, paper, lesbians?


You did it again, didn’t you.  You spent your Sunday night on the couch with your gal pals, cable box tuned to Showtime, cringing, complaining, and yelling at the TV.  Tell me, why do you keep putting yourself through this?  Couldn’t you have watched the Grammys or something instead?  You know, I’m starting to think you actually enjoy this.  Mmm hmm. Yeah.  You like it, don’t you.

6×04: “Leaving Los Angeles”

Moms-to-be Tom and Max are enjoying a leisurely breakfast with Tasha and Alice at The Planet (EDIT: Apparently it’s not breakfast, it’s dinner? But the “L Word” lighting crew has selected the “morning sunshine” lighting scheme for some reason? They’re about as good at lighting as the writers are at writing and the actors are at acting on this show.).

Enter Shenny to ruin everyone’s good time. Jenny immediately does her part by saying the most obnoxious/offensive thing possible, which in this case is to tell Max that “she” is a “beautiful mother-to-be” with “womanly curves”, etc. Max throws a fit and storms off. Max: “I hate Jenny!” (All of us: “So do we!) Did Jenny somehow miss the fact that Max hasn’t been “Moira” since Season Three? Which is when she herself started calling him Max and helping him inject testosterone into his transitioning body? Ah well, I guess that’s just not the kind of thing that sticks (no pun intended) in one’s memory.

Impervious as usual to anyone besides herself, Jenny continues to speak. She has had an “epiphany”–William stole the negatives! Tina, Bette, and Bette’s smashed-flower blouse (I don’t even know what to say about this latest item from Bette’s Bold Fashion Sense collection), who either just arrived at the table or had been sitting there the whole time (this scene is so f-ing confusing!) do their best not to strangle her on the spot. Don’t worry guys, in another few episodes you won’t have to hold back any longer!

In marches rich divorcee/Jessie Spano/Jennifer Beals bff, Kelly Wentworth aka Elizabeth Berkley. Yesss! Bette leaps up to greet her. Kelly: “Is this your gay-girl hangout? Very quaint.” Bette: *drool* They get their own table so that they can have their sexual-tension-laced conversations in private. Tina: *death glare*

Tina must have hired a private investigator to dig up Kelly’s entire life history or something, because she spills the whole rundown to Kit and complains that Kelly Wentworth is SO not the shit.  Kit: “Excuse me, my sister almost killed herself over that B-I-T-C-H!”  Why is the f-bomb-loving Kit censoring herself all of a sudden?

Dylan shows up at The Planet. Boos and hisses from the gang. Kit: “Tina, she says she has a meeting with you.” Tina: “What? No, I have a meeting with a filmmaker. Oh… wait…” Ah ha! Dylan set her up. She’s a schemer, that one.

Tom and Max are at Lamaze class. (You heard me right! Yes, this is the television program for which you are a slave. You’re just going to have to accept that fact and move on.) Yeeeah. (Bondy: “What’s up with those pants?” Erin: “They’re maternity pants!”) Painful awkwardness ensues.  Instructor, to Tom:   “Spread her legs apart… (*notices Max’s G.I. Joe beard*) sorry, spread the legs apart…”  Then the instructor starts yapping about some sort of vaginal lubrication process that I was not aware was a part of pregnancy.  Someone want to explain?  On second thought, if it’s anything like every other process related to pregnancy, don’t.

Next scene: Kelly and Bette are having dinner together at some place that does not seem like it’s The Planet.  Did we just time travel?  Again, I’m so confused.  And excited/scared.  Side note: Elizabeth Berkley has been hitting the Botox pretty hard lately.

Cut to the Tina/Dylan dinner.  Dylan:  “Helena is the love of my life and I would do anything to be with her.”  I think those of us who have seen Helena running on a treadmill would say the same.  But the difference between Dylan and us is that we probably wouldn’t sue Helena for sexual harassment.  In fact, she can sexually harass us any day!

Back to Kelly and Bette.  Kelly wants to become a big-time player in the art world, but of course she needs her old college buddy’s help.  Kelly:  “I wanna know what you know.”  (Translation: “I wanna have sex with you.”)  Bette informs her that she is no longer working for CU.  Bette:  “I resigned… I just love the art world”  etc., etc.  (Translation:  “That wasn’t a lie–I don’t tell lies.  Um, depending on your definition ‘lie’.  And I also don’t cheat.”)  Kelly:  “You want to come work for me.”  (Translation:  “So you do want to have sex with me.”)  Bette:  “No, but we can be partners.”  (Translation:  “Yes, duh.”)  Oh, you two are going to be partners, all right.

The rest of the group is having dinner together at The Planet.  (Is this the same night?  A different night?  Morning? There’s really no way of knowing.)  They are passing around Dylan’s business card:  “Do Ask, Do Tell Productions.”  Groan.  Tasha rips it in half.  (Bondy:  “Helena is going to put the card back together and keep it!”  Ding ding ding, we have a winner.)

Everyone decides that it would be in Helena’s best interest for them to set her up with someone.  That way she won’t accidentally fall (back?) in love with the woman who sued her for sexual harassment.  Plus, it’ll be fun!  They throw out suggestions.  “Jodi?”  Alice:  “What is this, recycling?  Plastic, paper, lesbians?”  Tasha does her cute smile and laugh.  You know, I’m thinking the ideal “L Word” episode would be nothing more than Alice saying hilarious one-liners and Tasha smiling and laughing.  And Helena working out.  Oh, and Kit randomly making sassy remarks like “FUCK you motha-FUCKA!”

Alice and Tasha decide that their friend Jamie from the GLBT center would be the perfect candidate for Helena.  Alice calls her up immediately to seal the deal with a little double-dinner-date.  Tasha wants to talk to Jamie, too.  Tasha:  “She just bought a ’56 Norton Dominator!”  (Madge and me:  *blank stare*  Erin:  “That’s a motorcycle.”  Madge and me:  “Oh!”)  Meanwhile, Helena secretly hides away Dylan’s business card.  In her cleavage, obviously.

Shenny time!  Shane is bra-lessly sporting a tattered wifebeater with a random stretched-out pocket on the front.  (Bondy: “Is that a boob pocket?  It’s a boob sling.”)  That is so Shane.  Jenny announces that it is now “clutter-cleaning” time at the house, starting with Jenny’s closet.  That’s right, Shane.  You had sex with Jenny; now it’s time for her to ruin your life.  Jenny:  “What represents a facet of my personality that I should just get rid of?”  (Me:  “Just get rid of your personality.”  Madge:  “How about you just drown her?”  Patience, Madge.  The time is not yet right.)  Jenny refuses to get rid of a scarf thingy that reminds her of her beloved ex, Marina.  Noted.

Tina and Bette are having their usual slippery slope argument.  You know the drill… Tina:  “Don’t cheat on me.”  Bette:  “Why not?”  etc.  Anyway, Bette complains that she shouldn’t have to be “on probation” forever.  She then informs Tina that Kelly is going to make her a (sexual) partner.  Tina protests.  Tina, you can’t ask Bette not to cheat.  You might as well ask the sun not to shine!

Jenny is now going through Shane’s closet.  She demands that Jenny get rid of a Wax t-shirt from “that horrible Paige era.”  And also a graphic tee from the Carmen era.  Of course Shane says “uh, no” on that one.  Jenny hypocritically gets mad.  *yawn* Have they broken up yet?

Tina and Bette are at the airport with Angie.  Angie is toddling around dangerously close to the road while Tina and Bette argue about Kelly some more.  Does anyone else think it’s time to call child services?  Or maybe they should ship their kid off to the South of France like Helena did, which would allow them to focus 100% of their attention on dyke drama.

Alice and Shane are having lunch at the Mexican place.  Alice is gushing about her new girl crush, Jamie, and how they have sooo much in common, like being vegetarians.  Shane:  “You’re not a vegetarian.”  Alice:  “Yeah but I’ve been eating SO many veggies lately!”  Then Jenny arrives to ruin the meal.  Jenny, to Shane:  *sniff*  “Were you smoking?”  Shane:  “No.”  Jenny:  “Really?”  Please break up over this, please break up over this…

Tina and Bette have arrived in Nevada to meet Marcie, the potential birth mother for their next baby.  Marcie is a twenty-something pregnant girl with a heart of gold whose parents are racist homophobes.  Personally I think it would have been awesome if Lindsay Lohan had been cast as Marcie.  Then her and Elizabeth Berkely could done a whole bunch of caffeine pills back in their trailers.  But then again, Lindsay isn’t that believable in sweet-young-girl type roles (just look at the first half of Mean Girls), so maybe it wouldn’t have worked out.

Anyway.  Why is Marcie’s racist, homophobic, blue-collar father drinking a bottle of Dos Equis (Official Beer of “The L Word”)?  I find this a bit hard to swallow (again, no pun intended).  Shouldn’t he be drinking something a little less, uh, Mexican, like maybe Budweiser?  But the point is, once he figures out Bette and Tina are teh gayz, he kicks them out.

Alice and Jamie are preparing dinner–a delicious vegetarian “nut loaf”, yum–for the double date night.  They are discussing job openings at the GLBT center.  Jamie:  “You should come work for me.”  (We all know what that means.)  While teaching Alice a trick for crushing peanuts, she leans in perilously close to Alice’s face.  (Erin:  “Let’s make out to break the tension!”)

Kit is at Hit getting hit on by guest DJ Sunset Boulevard–it’s Boys’ Night.  Kit:  “Mmm hmm.”  Sunset:  “You go on wit’ yo bad self!”  This is a match made in sassy-black-lady heaven.

Tom and Max are at Boys’ Night as well.  Tom is talking to/getting the phone number of a muscley man at the bar.  Max flies into a jealous-pregnant-woman rage.  Then he relents and tells Tom that he can’t wait to start a family with him.  Tom looks horrified.  (Guess he didn’t think the whole “let’s be a couple of West Hollywood fag dads” thing all the way through.)  Max apologizes for being angry and says he has a lot of feelings.

Helena and Jamie are at Tasha and Alice’s house for their dinner date.  It quickly becomes apparent that the two have absolutely nothing in common.  (That never stopped Tasha and Alice!)  At the first possible chance, Helena makes an exceedingly tactful exit–complete with awkward over-enthusiastic handshake with Jamie.   It has also become apparent that both Alice and Tasha have huge crushes on Jamie–and the crushes are kind of mutual.   (Erin:  “Now we can have that three-way!”)

Helena, with Dylan’s business card (which apparently has her home address on it?) in hand, finds Dylan’s house and sits outside of it in her car until Dylan walks out.  Helena stalks up the driveway, scaring the shit out of Dylan (Erin:  “Shank her!”), puts on her meanest prison-face, and demands in her meanest prison-voice, “Have dinner with me!”  She then storms away.  Any woman who values her life can’t really say no to a dinner invite like that.  Dylan is so excited/scared.

More Shenny drama:  Jenny has turned Shane’s bedroom into an office for herself.  Because you know, they’re sleeping in the same bed and all, so why would Shane need a bedroom anymore?  Shane:  “Are you putting on the Crazy Jenny Show just to see how far you can push it with me?”  Did you really think this would somehow not happen?  Jenny gets all upset.  Shane:  “Don’t be melodramatic with me right now.”  (Who, Jenny?) 

Jenny:  Do you hate me?
Us:  Yes!
Shane:  No.
Jenny:  Do you love me?
Us:  No!!!
Shane:  I do.  I love you.

Blehh.  Anyway, back to the Tasha, Alice, and Jamie situation.  Tasha seems to be only about 40% on board for the threesome.  She might need a little more convincing.  But this is “The L Word”; she can’t hold out forever!

Tom and Max are moodily getting ready for bed.  As he undresses, Max starts complaining about his baby bump again.  Tom:  “It’s getting old, Max–you putting yourself down all the time.”  (Bondy:  “But that’s what girls do.”)

Tina and Bette are back at the hotel, having yet another fake-eyelash-ripping-off type of nighttime discussion.  (Erin:  “Snazzy PJ’s!”)  Marcie knocks on the door.  She tearfully tells Tina and Bette that she likes them better than the other (hetero) couples she met, and she wants them to adopt her baby; she doesn’t care if her parents are against it.  (Erin:  “Aww!”  Bondy:  “They’re gonna have to adopt her too.”)

*Actual time-travelling montage*  Now it’s the next morning.  Tina and Bette wake up with that perfect morning makeup and hair.  (Madge:  “I love it when my mascara doesn’t run overnight!”  Erin:  “I’m sure Corporate Madge has some sort of overnight lipstick-wearing tricks.”)  Excited about their new baby, they forget allll about Kelly Wentworth.  See, babies do fix relationships!  (Bondy:  “They’d better not have sex while the kid is right there in the next bed!”  I’m sure the Moms of the Year would never do that.)  Bette:  “I’m happy.”  (Madge:  “What did she say?  ‘I have to pee’?”)

Meanwhile, Max wakes up… alone.  He looks in the empty closet and realizes that Tom has packed up his shit and left town.  That’s actually really sad.  Boo :(

Next week:  Jenny steals Alice’s idea for a screenplay.  (Bondy’s prediction [the accuracy of which we’ll never know!]:  Everyone kills Jenny!)  Helena wants to get back together with Dylan, but the group demands a test of gold-digging Dylan’s true intentions.  And what better test than to have Niki try to seduce her while they video tape the whole thing?  Sounds foolproof to me.  Unless she accidentally hooks up with Shane again instead!


7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

“Look mommy an 18 wheeler!” LMFAO.

Comment by Bondy

Is that “fat”, or “fucking” ?

Comment by VallyO

the whole opening sequence with the breakfast lighting and then all of a sudden it being dark and dinner was really confusing.
Helena can sexually harass us anytime? stealing alex’s material huh?
Also of course Helena knows just how to steal the business card unnoticed, how do you think she got all that silverware out of the prison caf and back to her cell to make shanks.
Why are Tina and Bette getting another kid? they don’t even take care of the one they have! half the time i forget she exists.
Shane could smell like smoke from literally weeks ago. it’s not like she showers/changes her clothes on a regular basis.

Comment by Erin

I also found this episode really confusing. Why is Dylan asking Tina’s permission to get back with Helena? The racist homophobe drinking a Dos Equis was ridiculous. Why didn’t they have him surfing the web on a Macbook Pro while they were at it?
I actually kind of felt bad for Max a little in this episode, despite his multitude of whiny, poorly delivered lines.

Comment by Cat

Also, I know it’s kind of mean to make fun of kids, but does anyone else think that Angie’s head is HUGE????

Comment by Cat

i think it’s just her hair. and we all know big hair = big fun.

Comment by Erin

[…] It took me a ridiculously long time figure out this setup, mind you, but it wouldn’t be the first time this show confused the shit out of me (see also: Episode 4 breakfast/dinner mix-up). […]

Pingback by “The L Word” 6×08: Dear Jenny, No Regrets « Ah, Regret.

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