Ah, Regret.


“The L Word” 6×03: OMFG

alice_eek

OK, team: we got through another one.  That’s three down, five to go.  Phew.  How are we feeling?  Headache?  Dizziness?  Nausea?  Exhaustion?  Emotional distress?

Now listen, you guys.  We can do this!  Need I remind you that this season is a mere eight episodes long–that’s four less than usual, for god’s sake.  We shouldn’t be struggling this much!  Just look at us–less than halfway through and we’re already dragging our feet, gasping for air, begging Ilene for mercy.  Pathetic!  Five seasons of training–Shane ditching Carmen, Dana passing away, Tina dating a man, Jenny being herself, etc., etc.–and this is all we have to show for it?  Unacceptable!  

What we need to do right now is pull ourselves together!  We need to strap on our ugly lesbian shoes and do whatever it takes to clear this Shenny hurdle, along with numerous other Season Six plot line hurdles that most certainly lie ahead.  (Cue Personal Best beach running/heavy breathing/crotch shot montage.)  This our last race–we need to make it to the finish line!  Why?  Um… actually, I’m not sure why.  It can’t be for the reward (there is no reward!).  It can’t be for the pure fun of it (there is no fun!  Well maybe there is–if you watch it with the right people.  And join in the commentfests on these posts.).

I guess this is just our lesbianly duty; we have no choice in the matter.  (Perhaps Ilene has implanted some sort of mind-control chip into all sexy lesbian eyewear and Carhart trucker hats?)  As for the rest of you, I have no idea why you’re putting yourselves through this.

All right, then.  Ready?  OK!  On your mark… get set…

6×03: “LMFAO”

[For those of you who didn’t know (I won’t name names), that’s “Laughing My Fucking Ass Off”.  But “Laughing My Fat Ass Off” was an excellent guess, and–depending on the size of one’s ass–potentially just as accurate.]

We start things off at the movie studio with Tina’s d-bag of a boss, Aaron.  He is throwing a hissy fit because apparently–sinister plot twist alert!–someone stole the negatives for The Girls (formerly known as Lez Girls).  Who did the deed?!  Aaron is quite convinced that it was SHECHTER!  So he orders Tina to go talk to her little pal (Bondy: “Are they even friends?”  Erin:  “They’re more like frenemies.”) and make her give them back.  Tina: “Fuckin’ Jenny, I am gonna fuckin’ kill you!”  (Gasp!  Tina’s the killer?!)

Meanwhile, our favorite new couple, Shenny (ew!), is just waking up together in bed, basking in that we-had-sex-all-night (ew!) glow.  Jenny cups her hand on Shane’s boob (ew!).  (Audience: *squirming*  Bondy:  “Shane’s breasts are like a 12 year-old’s!  Me, looking at my own chest self-consciously: “Hmph.”)  Pillow talk time!  Shane: “I don’t know what to say.”  (Me:  “I think ‘ew’ is the word you’re looking for.”)  They reassure each other that what they are doing is not only OK but, like, beautiful (How can something so right feel so… nauseating?).

The doorbell rings.  It’s Alice!  (This should be good.)  Shane drags herself out of bed, throws on some clothes (wifebeater, no bra–duh), and answers the door.  Alice immediately notes Shane’s “I-had-sex-all-night look” and demands to know who the lucky lady is.  Shane is evasive.  Then Jenny flutters into the room, calls Shane “little monkey”, and chats with her in that we-had-sex-all-night tone of voice.  Alice’s face is priceless as she slowly (but surely!) puts it all together:  

Quizzical (“What the…?”)
Processing (“Waaait…”)
Horrified realization (*slow motion* “Nooooooo!”)
*blinks rapidly*
*wrinkles nose*
*whole face twitches*

(OK, I’ll admit it: the hilarity of other characters’ reactions to Shenny just might make Shenny worth it.  I said “might“, people!)

Alice: “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”  (Erin: “To throw up!  BLEHH”)  She scurries in (Bondy:  “Is she wearing a sack?”  Madge:  “It looks like a muumuu.”), shuts the door, busts out her phone, and starts doing what she does best: texting breaking lezzie gossip to everyone on her contact list.  Message body:  “SHANE AND JENNY HAD SEX LAST NIGHT!!”  (xoxo, Gossip Girl)  Cue “Shenny: Reactions” montage:

Helena (at the gym):  *falls off treadmill*
Tina (in a meeting): What the fuck!
Tasha: *cute Tasha laugh* Oh, man…
Bette (in a meeting): *starts laughing*  (Everyone stares at her.)  *chortles unprofessionally*
Kit (at The Planet):  *phone vibrates* Why is my phone buzzin’?  (Waitress:  You got a text message.)  A what?

Comedy on “The L Word”?  What is this, Season Two?  Furthermore, this has to be the first time all season that something I laughed at was actually intended to be funny.  And while the circumstances (Shane and Jenny hooking up!)  weren’t exactly ideal, it was still nice to actually enjoy watching this show again (for a few minutes, at least?).

Before Alice leaves, Jenny asks her not to mention what she has seen to anyone else.  Alice:  “Um… It’s none of my business.  Uh-uh.”  Mmm hmm.

Bette is sitting in her office with Jodi, who has brought along Tom to interpret (despite the fact that Bette is pretty fluent in sign language).  I know this is “The L Word”, but does anyone else find Jodi and Tom particularly smug/catty?  Maybe they’re just “spicy”.  Anyway, Bette tries to convince/command Jodi to resign.  Jodi:  “No.”  Bette:  “If you don’t resign then I’m going to have to fire you.”  It’s on, bitchezzz.

Alice has asked Jenny to look over her “treatment” and provide some constructive criticism.  (The first question that comes to mind is, “Why?”)  Jenny:  “How long did it take you to write that?”  Alice:  “Um… one night?”  Jenny, scowling, goes on to tell Alice that  she is an inferior screenwriter and her work sucks.  Oh, and that she really be doing cartoon voiceovers instead.  (Again, why did we ask her advice?)  The doorbell rings–it’s Tina.  As Alice leaves, Tina mutters, “I have to go fucking kill Jenny.”  (Ohh, the foreshadowing.  We’ll have to look back on these moments when the killer is [never!] revealed.)

Shane and Alice are having breakfast at The Planet.  Alice is questioning the whole “roommates dating each other” thing.  Shane:  “Listen–we get each other. We do, and I have to believe she’s not gonna get weird.”  (Excellent point, Shane.  Jenny getting “weird”?  I can’t picture it.)  Jenny texts Shane to get some beer for later.  Shane:  “I gotta get going–I gotta find a liquor store.”  Shenny is here to stay, you guys.

Phyllis Kroll has rounded up Jodi (accompanied by Tom), Bette, and Bette’s sleeves (yarr, mateys!) for a friendly little meeting.  Phyllis lectures them for letting “dyke drama” get in the way of doing their jobs.  Bette:  “This is not dyke drama, Phyllis!”  It’s just two women who are co-workers, but used to be lovers, and thus are having a lot of feelings that frequently lead to arguments, tears, acts of revenge, or any combination thereof.  That’s so not the same thing, Phyllis.  Get with it!

Phyllis reminds Bette that if she fires Jodi, Jodi could sue her for sexual harassment.  Phyllis:  “The last thing this university needs is a sexual harassment lawsuit between two lesbians.”  I mean, straight people sexually harassing each other is one thing.  Lil’ groping, lil’ PVI, no biggie–just another day at the office.  But lesbian sexual harassment–now that is just appalling (scissoring!  Or whatever is is you lesbians do!  *shudder*)!  It’s disgraceful! This country is going straight (no pun intended) to hell.

Lord a’mighty.  Anyway.  Shane is taking a nap, and Jenny is taking a break from writing screenplays (or killing dogs, or whatever it is that she does all day) to wake Shane up for a repeat performance of last night (still, ew).  (Bondy:  “Do either of these people ever bathe?”  Erin and me:  “No.”)

Alice is toiling away at her day job: co-host of “The Look” (Ilene’s ever-so-subtle take on “The View”).  She is wearing a pink, puffy short-sleeved shirt (Bondy:  “It’s Little Bo Peep!”).  Usually her role is to spill dirty secrets (specifically, to out closeted celebrities), but today she abandons the script and reads a letter from a girl whose brother got shot in the face for being gay.  She also expresses a degree of regret for having outed people in the past.  Her spunky airhead co-hosts, confused and nervous, put on their perky faces and cut to commercial.  Time to start practicing those cartoon voices, Alice.

Another scene featuring what Erin likes to call “Slick Corporate Tina” (modeled after Slick Corporate Madge, in her ’90s Bay Area software engineering, lipstick- and power-suit-wearing heyday) and d-bag Aaron.  Some uninspired plot device involving a ransom note with Tina’s forged signature.  *yawn*

Hey, wake up!  Phyllis and Bette are having a drink at the bar (Awkward Hour is from 4-6!).  Phyllis informs Bette that because she is “the only lesbian who’s had a nasty public breakup with a faculty member,” she’s basically fired.  Um, fired?  I don’t think that was part of Bette’s career plan for the cutthroat art world.  Bette:  “I’ll have a Dry Manhattan.”  Make that a bottle of whisky.

Phyllis starts yapping about her own struggles with “attraction to a coworker.”  Uh-oh.  (As with most Phyllis Kroll plot lines, I’m so excited/scared.)  She asks Bette if she would like to know who this special coworker is.  Bette says that she would rather not.

Phyllis:  Bette–I’ve always found you wildly–exquisitely attractive.
Bette:  *stops chewing peanuts* Phyllis… no…
Phyllis:  Yesss… yesss…

(YES!  LOL!  Ilene, what did we ever do to deserve two whole hilarious scenes in one episode!  It’s just too much, I tell ya.)

Phyllis:  Bette, you are and always will be, the woman of my dreams.  *confidently leans in for the kiss*
(Erin:  She’s gonna fall off the barstool!)
Bette:  *bolts*
Phyllis:  *falls off barstool*

Oh goodness.  This episode needs to end right now, because it can’t get any better than this!  But alas, we’re not done yet.

Over at The Planet, Helena gets a special delivery:  flowers from Dylan.  DOES NOT WANT.  Kit: “Mmm hmm.”

Alice has to attend a meeting regarding possible changes in her employment status resulting from her letter-reading stunt.  She tells Tasha that she plans to beg for forgiveness.  Tasha:  “Alice, you don’t always get rewarded for doing the right thing.”  (Bette:  “Define ‘right’.”)  The phone rings.  It’s the GLBT center.  Emergency!  The girl who wrote the letter is sitting on a roof ledge, threatening suicide; only Alice can help.  Long story short–Alice manages to talk the girl down and win over Tasha with Good Deed #2 for the day.  Hurrah.  Tasha has a cute laugh.  Wait, I already said that.  My bad.

Kit is hanging out with her Drag Queen friend, Sunset Boulevard, over at Hit (“Hit! Hit, the hit club, hit, it’s a hit…”).  Here’s what we know:  they are flirtatious.  Kit is so over men and women.  (Kitt: “Women? Oh puh-leeeease they can mess each other up too.  I can’t begin to tell you how much drama I SEEEN!”)  Kit has been known to find love in “the most unexpected” places (Ivan, anyone?).  Hmm.  What’s going to HAPPEN!

Kit heads outside to find her crew.  She spots a Jeep with some sort of activity going on in the front seat.  Is that–OMG!  It’s Shane and Jenny kissing!  Kit:  “Shit!”  She races inside to tell the gang what she just witnessed.  Everyone has a good laugh.  Alice:  “You don’t know how to check your text messages, do you?”

Shane and Jenny take great pains to enter the club separately.  But it doesn’t matter–everyone knows already!  Cue “Shenny kissing/Everyone else giggling” montage. Shane and Jenny each awkwardly make excuses to go up to the second floor.  Everyone laughs at them.  (Side note: Kit and Sunset are dancing together!)  Shane and Jenny start making out upstairs.  Alice:  “Three o’clock!”  Everyone giggles uncontrollably.  (Did they all eat pot brownies again like at Jenny’s house party last season?)

(Madge:  “Is that the end of the episode?”  Me:  “Please say yes.”)  Yes!  The end.

Next week:  Kelly (aka Jessie Spano aka Elizabeth Berkley), to Bette:  “Wanna come work for me?”  (Ohh yeah, I feel that slope slipping away.)  Shane, to Jenny:  “Are you putting on the Crazy Jenny Show just to see how far you can get with me?”  (Yes.  Yes she is, Shane.)  Jessie Spano, Crazy Jenny… if we get some Joyce Wischnia action, this could be a good one!  I’m so exciiii–oh, you know.

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10 Comments so far
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what is with this pattern of pirate outfits? bette, that shirt blair from gg wore that looked like a pirate shirt with the back cut off, etc.

i like the reference to personal best — you know you just confused and aroused your male readership – zap branagan style.

Since Kit is over men and women, it’s a good thing that sunset blvd is a lil’ of both. god i love kit and every plot that involves her being sassy (but i am not a big fan of emotionally vulnerable kit)

Jodi and Tom are super catty. I mean maybe Tom does it b/c he feels the need to live up to gay man stereotypes, but he’s not catty with Max or anything. And I kind of think that Jodi feels just b/c she can’t hear she can do/say/sign whatever she wants. It’s kind of like when you have a hangover and you can say whatever you want, but all the time.

Now I have two gripes — remember how Shane used to be a crazy party animal alcoholic/drug addict, and now she has to go “find” a liquor store. Like hell she doesn’t know where one is!! you know the clerk still remembers her name!! when she was spiraling out of control about paige or whatever she knew just where to find amy whinehouse quantities of whiskey. Plus that house always seems to have a constant supply of dos equis, but i guess that had nothing to do with shane since she doesn’t know where to find the liquor store.

Rant number 2: In all her time around those text-messaging fiends she likes to refer to as “baby-girl” and “child” she never even heard them mention what a text message was?? I mean she was sitting there the other week when team slippery slope and team martyr were texting back and forth feverously! She never wondered what they were doing with there phones? I can see her not texting/not know how, but having literally no concept of what a text message is — unbelievable. I’ll let this one slide though b/c it’s kit and she is hilarious.

there was no kate french in this episode, but we all know she slept with someone to get the tape. security guard or someone else with access. or maybe she had one of her lackey’s do it so they could get back in her 5. no, nevermind, nikki isn’t that smart — she definitely did the dirty deed herself.

Comment by Erin

They need a rainbow cake and I need more Helen.

Comment by Bondy

And you know what else Erin? You can get beer at Safeway and 7-11 in California. You don’t need a liquor store for beer…just liquor. Hmph. Stupid stupid stupid.

I’m sorry but Sunset Blvd has a huge head…like Easter Island. If that head kisses Kit’s head I’m going to squeal like a baby pig.

Comment by Bondy

Did you guys really not notice how Sounder2 took a shit on Shenny’s bed before they woke up and then Shane rolled in it? Because me and Kayla were flipping out.

Comment by virb

False alarm. Apparently Kate Moennig just has a new tattoo that resembles dog poop when seen on youtube.

Comment by virb

holy crap erin, that was almost as long as this [wonderful] recap. i too wondered where nikki was (and puhlease, SO obvious she stole the negative!! although seeing as she’s an idiot, she probably failed to realize it hurts her, too). maybe she was off with max playing video games?

if kit and the drag queen hook up… gross. i actually rooted for Ivan way back when.

okay, so there was a lot of fluff this episode, and i LOVED it. more comedy! less death! more helena! less everybody else! more liz berkley! less… awkward plot devices!

um, bette eating peanuts with phyllis: not only was i loving the physical comedy (could she have been any more butch about de-shelling those babies?) but it was nice to see jennifer beals eating something for once (you know, besides tina, her subordinates, or the carpenter).

Comment by iwentwest

Ha omg Alex… “it was nice to see jennifer beals eating something for once (you know, besides tina, her subordinates, or the carpenter).” LMFAO

Comment by VallyO

Could the writing on this show get any worse? For instance, why did Bette barely blink an eye when Phyllis fired her? This is Bette we’re talking about. Her whole sense of self-worth revolves around the fact that she’s a hoity toity art school dean or whatever and makes a lot of money. Not only did she not even bother to put on her trademark tragic face, but 2 minutes later she’s laughing her ass off at Hit as if it was the best day of her life. And not only does Phyllis fire her, but also tells her she’s in love with her in the same breath???? WTF? And the scene with Alice and the suicidal teen? Come on! Not only was it painfully cheesy but that would never happen! That’d be like a suicide hotline specialist saying “wait, hold that suicidal thought…I’m gonna get your idol, Whoopi Goldberg over here to talk this through with you”. Nonsense. I agree though, the reactions of the other characters to Shenny almost make it worthwhile.

Comment by Cat

Val hypothesized they all ate brownies before they went to Hit…i’m beginning to think that was a pretty good explanation…

and now that i think about it, that scene with alice talking the jumper down was a little over the top.

Comment by Erin

Cat–Is Whoopi your idol?!

Comment by VallyO




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