Ah, Regret.


Lily Allen is fucking hilarious
Thu, 29 January 2009, 3:46 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , ,

lily

This post is a tribute to British pop star Lily Allen.  For those of you whose mp3 collections are not heavily influenced by Popjustice, Lily is a 23 year-old pop music “singer-songwriter”.  I put that phrase in quotes because, to be honest, she’s probably a lot more famous for being the daughter of actor/comedian Keith Allen, and also for being perpetually drunk, than for her singing and songwriting skillz (which are in fact awesome, but I’ll get to that in a minute).

Lily and I are about the same age, but when I contemplate how much more this young woman has accomplished in her life, I can only look back on mine with a heavy sense of regret.  (*EDIT*  Having completed the list below, I now realize that with the exception of items 5-7, our lives have been strikingly similar.  Yesss!)  See for yourself:

10 Reasons Lily Allen Totally Fucking Rules

1. As previously stated, she is pretty much always wasted, and–as I believe the rest of this list will demonstrate–hilarity ensues.

boozin

“I’ve become a character in a comic. That’s what it feels like. And that character is always drunk!” [Guardian]

Something tells me she’s the type of person who has barfed on cars and loved ones (possibly both in the same night!).

2. She says “no” to drugs.  Sort of.

“Drugs are illegal and bad and they ruin people’s lives but they are pretty prominent. I have no intention of taking drugs again at the moment.  But I can’t say ‘never again’ because I don’t know where I will be in 10 years’ time. [MTV UK]

Bette: Hey Lily, want to join Team Slippery Slope?

3. She dissed Katy Perry.

“I happen to know for a fact that she was an American version of me. She was signed by my label in America as, ‘We need to find something controversial and kooky like Lily Allen.’

“When I met her I was bit frosty with her because someone asked her to describe herself. She’s like, ‘Aha, I’m like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen!’ It’s like, you’re not English and you don’t write your own songs, shut up!” [MTV UK]

Well I don’t blame her–Katy Perry sucks.

4. She drunk-texts, with disastrous results.

Lily Allen sent a photo of herself topless to Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs, she’s revealed.  

The singer apparently sent the phone picture message to the wrong Ricky in her phonebook!

She told Radio 1: “That was really embarrassing. I was completely topless!”

Asked who the saucy picture was actually meant for she joked: “Rick Astley.”

According to DJ Chris Moyles, Kaisers’ man Wilson received the topless photo unexpectedly and soon after got another from Allen saying ‘Sorry wrong Ricky.’ [MTV UK]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Drinking and texting DON’T mix.

5. She dressed up as frenemy Amy Winehouse on UK comedy show “The Friday Night Project”.

lily_allen_amy

I, too, <3 Winehouse.

6. She got into a catfight with Elton John.

 [While co-hosting the 2008 GQ Men of the Year Awards]

Lily Allen:  Now we reach a very special point in the evening.
Sir Elton John:  What, you are going to have another drink?
Lily Allen:  Fuck off Elton, I’m 40 years younger than you, I have my whole life ahead of me.
Sir Elton John:  I could still snort you under the table.
Lily Allen:  Fuck off.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.
[MTV UK]

LOL.

7. She has a third nipple (?!), which she unveiled on live TV.  [MTV UK]

Um, ew.

8. She makes highly amusing drunken purchases. 

In a separate interview she revealed she had bought a beach in Jamaica saying: “I’m happy I bought the beach–best drunken buy ever!” [MTV UK]

Dear MasterCard, no regrets.

9. Her train goes to Lezzie Town, apparently.

Lily Allen has admitted having a lesbian moment when she snogged identical twins in San Diego.

In an interview with The Gay Times the singer said: “I was on the sofa and I had them both, I was dancing and shoving my arse on one of them and one on my front bottom.”

She added: “That’s the only time, but I do have wet dreams–lesbian dreams –quite a lot.” [MTV UK]

Um, first of all, too much information!  Second, did she really just say “front bottom”?  And finally, what the heck does a “lesbian dream” entail?  Talking about feelings with Rachel Maddow?  Winning the Softball World Championship?

10. Oh crap, I almost forgot–her music rules!

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them
~”The Fear”, from It’s Not Me, It’s You (2009)

You only buy the paper just to cut out the coupons
You’re saving 50p but what do you want with tampons?
You’re always at the doctor picking up your prescription
And they throw in some K-Y just to ease up the friction
~”Nan, You’re a Window Shopper” [Parody of 50 Cent’s “Window Shopper”], from LDN (2006)

She’s almost as good as me!

Advertisements

2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I’ve seen the third nipple video. It is about a third as sweet as I hoped it would be.

Comment by Colin

Oh my…the same woman that said “Glenn, this steak’s redder than a pig’s _____ in ____” had a third nipple. Interesting.

Comment by Bondy




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: