Ah, Regret.

“The L Word” 6×02: Um, EW! Just all-around ew.


Are we still recovering from Sunday night, lezzies?  I think I actually got a hangover from this episode (or was it the beer?  Hm.).  My goodness.  Where to begin?  

Absurd plot twists–OK.  Unrealistic amounts of sex–fine by us!  Bette’s outfits–we’ve learned to deal.  But what’s with this craptacular acting and laughable dialogue?  Come on!  We want the characters’ lives to spiral out of control, not the show’s quality.  Has it always been this bad, or did it just take us six seasons to develop a critical eye?  I, for one, feel that I would be far less critical if Dana were still around, but I’m in therapy for that, and besides, I digress.

How are we ever going to get through this season?  One episode at a time, my friends.  OK, let’s get this over with.

6×02: “Least Likely”

We start things out at dumb/hot Niki’s MTV-Cribs-worthy home, which is currently filled with her usual entourage of dumb/hot party people.  But while they’re sipping Cristal and sending text messages by the pool, their hostess is flipping a shit over getting dissed by crazy Jenny.  Niki:  “She has the nerve to call me a showmance! I don’t even know what the fuck that means!”  

Luckily her friend whips out her Sidekick to look it up (presumably on urbandictionary.com).  Niki, how did you get so stupid?  Was it all the coke?  Anyway.  Then her friend says something about Jenny that Niki doesn’t quite like, so she yells, “You are OUT of my five [i.e. T-Mobile “Fav 5“, for you old ladies reading this]”!  Yowch.  Things are getting real.

Then, in a truly Emmy-worthy performance, Kate French grits her teeth, looks to the horizon, and snarls, “Jenny Shechter is a liar and a user… You are dead meat, Shechter!”  (Gasp!  Niki’s the killer?!)  This scene sent chills down my spine.  Or were those convulsions of laughter?  Never mind.

Meanwhile, Kit and Helena, both sporting librarian glasses (Why don’t I have any “sexy” lesbian eyewear?  Maybe Rachel Maddow could lend me a pair?  Or maybe Alex?), are hanging out with a sassy transvestite, for some reason.  Finally, someone who can spout out lines as hilarious as Kit’s?  Mmm hmm.

Now to The Planet for a most unpleasant lesbian breakfast.  The gang is divided: we’ve got Jenny’s table (let’s call them Team Crazy) and Shane’s table (Team Slippery Slope).  Everyone is silently glaring at each other.  (It can only be a matter of time before Alice starts yapping.)  Jenny is given a plate of waffles, made with love by Shane.  Jenny: “Tell Shane I don’t want her waffles.”  Again, we the audience cannot help being moved by such powerful dialogue.  

Enter Tina, Bette, and Bette’s ruffle-sleeved shirt.  (Bondy: “What are those, curtains?”)  She and Tina play rock-paper-scissors to see who gets which table (“the martyrs” or “the cheaters”).  As if Bette isn’t Team Slippery Slope by default.  Oh good, she ends up there anyway.  (“There, there, Shane.  Let me tell you about a little thing called “moral relativism”…)

Alice is writing a “treatment” aka screenplay on her laptop.  Alice: “How hard can it be?”  Jenny: *serial-killer glare*  Representatives from each table are texting each other updates–lol.  Are they in sixth grade or something?

Tasha (wearing a cute pantsuit [Alice:  “I dressed her!”]) and Alice are exchanging not-so-kind words.  Basically Alice is yapping like there’s no tomorrow, and Tasha is being a surly lump.  Tina: “Why don’t you go to therapy?”  (Bondy:  “I would have been like, why don’t you just break up!”)  

Tasha, annoyed that everyone is all up in her biz again, storms out of The Planet, blowing past Sporty Spice Helena.  Helena (to Tasha):  “You look like a million dollars!”  (Bondy [to Helena]: “YOU like like TWO million!”)  Suddenly Bette and Tina announce the latest update in what is apparently their search for a baby to adopt.  ANOTHER baby?  With the cheater?  Did we really think this one through, Tina?

Next scene: closeup of (the now-bearded) Max.  The audience erupts.  (Erin: “EWWWWW!”  Bondy, Madge, and me:  *assorted shouts*)  We had to pause and rewind due to the uproar.  Play.  Oh, Max.  We have not missed you.  (Madge: “He looks like David Cassidy.”  Bondy: “I do like his shirt though.  I have one just like it!”  Madge: “Get me a beer… woman!”)

Now to the Lez Girls crew.  We see a shot of the movie promo poster, which reads “The Girls“.  THE Girls?  Tina bitches about the new title, as well as film’s new decidedly heterosexual tone.  D-bag producer guy:  “Get on board, Tina… the train’s not going to Lezzie Town.”  Hm, I guess the train’s not going to Portland or Baltimore.  Or Boulder!

Max (Audience: *groan*)  is at the doctor’s office.  Max:  “I’ve been doing two hundred pushups a day.”  Bleh.  Anyway, the doc has some bad news: the sex change operation can’t go on as planned.  Dramatic pause.  (Bondy: “You’re pregnant!”)  Doctor: “You’re pregnant.”  O, Cruel Fate!  Just think of how much more screen time Max is going to be getting now!

Bette is walking down the hall with Phyllis.  (Me: “Come on, where’s Joyce Wischnia!”)  Phyllis opens the door to her office.  Out jumps none other than… Joyce Wischnia!  NAKED!  (Me: “YESSSS!”  Bondy, Madge, and Erin: *assorted shouts*)  OK this is going to require another pause/rewind.  Joyce:  “Baby, when it comes down to it, if you can love this…” blah blah etc. god I love Jane Lynch.  

Bette:  *horrified facial expression*  
Joyce:  Sorry, Bette. 
Phyllis:  Cover your junk!
Joyce:  *naked marriage proposal*
Phyllis:  Well I wasn’t going to get married ever again, etc.  But yeah OK sure!  etc.

Yeah, I wouldn’t say “no” to Jane Lynch either.  So not only does Phyllis now have a gigantic engagement ring, but she and Joyce are going to be married by Gavin Newsom (Phyllis:  “Gavin Newsom, mayor of San Francisco?!”  Bondy:  “Thanks for the clarification.”).  Gotta love Joyce and her lesbian lawyer money.

Tasha and Alice are at couples therapy.  Well!  This should be fun.  They are seeing Tina and Bette’s therapist–a straight man.  Great choice.  Alice is, of course, yapping uncontrollably while Tasha just sits there like a surly lump.  Alice answers every one of the therapist’s questions, including the ones directed at Tasha.  The therapist tells her to put a sock in it.  With what appears to be great physical pain, she manages to restrain herself.  Tasha begrudgingly speaks, but only in the most surly manner possible.

Max is at the abortion clinic.  I think we can all see where this one is going.  The receptionist, clearly confused by his appearance, refuses him an appointment and threatens to call security.  Then Max, by way of explaining, shrieks to the entire room that he is transitioning, etc. etc.  (One would imagine that he has earned a seat with “the martyrs” by now.)

Tasha and Alice are now gleefully playing therapy games, smiling and laughing and holding hands.  Aw!  The therapist stares at them.  (Erin:  “Now I want to see you two make out…”)  Therapist:  “You two have so little in common  [Audience:  Yes!  That’s the joy of it!]… I really don’t think you should be together  [Audience:  *scoff* Stupid straight guy.].”  Tasha and Alice, annoyed, go down to the parking garage and have sex in the Cooter–um, Cooper! Mini.  That seems like it would be awkward in real life–those things are tiny.

Max informs Tom (his baby-daddy) that he can’t get an abortion because he’s too far along.  They yell at each other and get into a–for lack of a better word–fistfight.  Max kicks Tom in the balls.  Oof!  Low blow.

Tasha and Alice are making a “t-chart” of their relationship pros and cons.  Luckily the chart-loving Alice had an easel pad and some markers on hand for just such an occasion.  She starts writing “Cons” in black.  Tasha:  “Why is black the con?”  She suggests red.  Alice:  “Red is happy!”  Tasha:  “Red is the devil.”  (Erin:  “The WHITE devil!”)

Tina, Bette, and Bette’s leopard-print shirt (Bondy: “Look, it’s Nefertiti!”)  are at the art gallery.  And so is… Elizabeth Berkley!  (Erin and me:  “YESSS!”  Bondy and Madge: *blank look*)  Elizabeth (Anyone else think she’s looking more diesel than A.C. Slater these days?) is playing the character of Jessie–I mean Kelly Wentworth, rich divorcee.  We find out that she happens to be Bette’s college roommate and–of course!–ex-lover.  Kelly:  “You look better than you did in college, bitch!”  Ha!

Bette does her disconcertingly businesslike “I’d like you to meet my partner, Tina” introduction thing.  Kelly:  “Still a gay, eh Porter?”  Wow, this guest appearance has already exceeded my expectations.  As Tina looks on with her jealous-yet-resigned-to-her-fate face, Bette and Kelly recount their little college fling.  Kelly:  “She got over me in two minutes.”  Bette:  “Ten.”  Oh dear.  How did the gallery floor get so slippery?  Better mop it up–someone could get hurt!

Tasha and Alice are doing a really cute point system for their chart.  Tasha:  “‘Makes me want to be a better person’ should count for more than ‘doesn’t cook with pepper–EVER’.”  Aww!  Madge, how could you not want them to be together!

Bette and Kelly agree to have lunch–or dinner, or you know, sex–sometime.  Tina fumes.  (Bondy:  “Coffee, tea, or me!”)

That night, everyone heads over to Hit for some drinks and dyke drama, and–finally–a scene chock full of hilarious Alice lines.   So.  What ghost of seasons past happens to be grinding out on the dance floor (Alice:  “Lesbian sandwich at twelve o’clock.”)?  It’s Dylan, the formerly-“straight” filmmaker who had an affair with Helena and then sued her for sexual harassment!  The nerve!  Tasha wasn’t around yet when that happened, so Alice does a fast-talk recap.   Tasha: “That girl used to be straight?”  Alice: “Well, she wasn’t gay when she was fucking Helena.”  Yeeeah.  Helena–ex-prisoner, need I remind you–is pissed.  Alice:  “Looks like someone’s carpet’s about to get munched.”

Tom shows up at Max’s house.  Manly Max is sulking and playing video games.  Tom suggests that, you know what, maybe they could just be a couple of Hollywood “fag dads”.  Max:  “Sorry I kicked you in the balls.”  Tom:  “Sorry I knocked you up.”  (Get used to it, people.)  Well, I think we all learned an important lesson today about how babies are made.  

Tina and Bette are back at home, having the expected conversation about Kelly.  Tina:  “You were flirting!”  Bette:  *weak denial*  Suddenly Bette, standing in front of her bathroom mirror, rips off her fake eyelashes.  Complete with eyelash-ripping-off sound effect!  (More audience uproar.  Bondy:  “Fake eyelashes are disposable now?”)  She dabs at her lipstick.  (Bondy:  “Why is she dabbing that lipstick?  Why doesn’t she just wipe it all off?”)  Breaking the stereotype that lesbians know nothing about makeup:  FAIL.  Anyway, still in the midst of their fight, Tina and Bette get all riled up and have angry sex.  Why are their sex scenes always so fucked-up, if you’ll pardon the expression?

Back at Hit, Alice decides that it’s time to throw down.  Alice:  “Get my back!”  She marches up to Dylan but, suddenly completely incapable of speaking (for once!), just kind of angrily stutters and stammers.  Helena is right behind her.  (Erin:  “Shank her now!  Prison-style!”  Tasha offers to kick Dylan’s ass, but Helena politely declines.  In the end, Dylan does not in fact get her ass kicked.  I’m outraged!  What a wasted opportunity.  With a Helena/Dylan beat-down in addition to Elizabeth Berkley’s guest appearance, this episode could have been watchable!

Actually no, the final scene still would have ruined it all.  Again, any lesbian with an internet connection had to have seen this one coming, but that didn’t make it any easier to witness.  Shane comes to Jenny’s house to gather up her stuff, and they have a little talk.  Jenny: “Shane, you know that it was you, right? When I said that ‘you broke my heart’? I was talking about you.”  etc. etc.  “I realized that I’m in love with you.”  Uh-oh.  They hug.  Oh, a hug!  That’s fine.  But… oh crap.  They kiss!  (Erin:  “NOOOO!”  Bondy: “BLEHHH”  Madge and me:  *assorted shouts*)

Next episode:  Oh good, all of the characters on the show are just as grossed out by Shenny as we are.  It’s going to be a loooong season, you guys.


18 Comments so far
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time for a long gg style comment:
i don’t know if they were drinking cristal at nikki’s, probably it was dos equis.
and what about my glasses! i mean you and those ladies working there picked them out! hmph.
remember that time you dressed me up for the wedding and instructed me to tell anyone that complimented my outfit to direct their comments to you? maybe alice should have told tasha to do that.
also i think the idea of tina and bette getting another kid is ridiculous – i mean i know they have time to rush her to the ER in the middle of the night, but what about the other 90% of the time when they act like they don’t even have a kid!! lunch at the planet everyday, art shows, both of them have highly demanding full time jobs, etc.

Comment by Erin

Max’s beard was so GI Joe. As proof, I offer:

Comment by Bondy

That was the best recap ever. And did anyone notice that Bette and Tina’s baby was completely missing from the world in this episode??? And where the hell did Molly go??? Could we just bring Carmen back and make the world better please???

Comment by Aileen

Why are there two male characters in this show and why is one of them pregnant? It seems like they are not a part of the show at all except maybe so the show has some male characters. But now we are back to the question of why is that necessary? Do lesbians want them? It doesn’t seem like it. Straight men don’t watch the show, and if they did, they wouldn’t want to see one of the men being pregnant and only having sex with the other man and none of the lesbians. Help, Val, can you explain their purpose to me?

Comment by Colin

I thought Jessie, I mean, Kelly (did they really have to pick another Saved by the Bell character’s name?), accused Bette of getting over her in 2 minutes, not months? And again, the Boulder commentary is startlingly similar to the Philadelphia commentary. I’m with Madge, Tasha and Alice should definitely break up….break up sex is way hotter than we-shouldn’t-really-be-together-sex.

Comment by Cat

I FORGOT ABOUT THE DE-5’ing! That was the pinnacle of the show for me.

Comment by Brendan

Ha you’re right Cat, I fixed the quote. (Am I the only lesbian who doesn’t have a mind like a steel trap? Maybe I shouldn’t drink while watching the show. Actually no, with this season, I need to.) And thanks for reporting back on the east coast scene.

Colin–Men on “The L Word”! Max is an FTM transgendered individual (who was about to have surgery to complete his physical transition into a male), so early in the series he was actually “Moira”. I’d say that he is providing representation for a portion of the “L Word” audience.

It’s not the fact that he’s transgendered that ends up annoying us (or at least me, personally), it’s just that his character’s personality is somewhat grating. But for me, his presence on the show has been educational, at least, so that’s probably a good thing.

As for his current situation: he had been dating girls prior to Tom (without a whole lot of luck, since many of them were freaked out by his transitioning state), but then he met Tom (a gay man who serves as an interpreter for a deaf lesbian character, Jodi). I think they were both surprised that they ended up hitting it off so well. But yeah, apparently neither of them realized that even though he was taking hormones, Max could still get pregnant.

I think that a more negative audience reaction occurred when Tina dated a (straight) man for a little while. She ended up being somewhat ostracized from her group of friends, and “L Word” fans clamored for her to go back to girls.

Comment by VallyO

This show started out with such potential, but now…I don’t know. I mean, I’m not shocked that this is how they’re going to run down the last season, but seriously, it’s just all a little too absurd. I feel like I’m watching “Passions” for lesbians!

Comment by Blognanimous

hey, remember Showgirls? how did this whole post go by without a Showgirls reference?

is dating a half-lesbian the same thing as half-dating a lesbian? does the transitive property apply here?

Comment by hx

hilarious, val. i cant believe i still havent watched this yet – if for nothing else than the joy of hearing Elizabeth Berkeley utter the words “a gay”.

WTF is up with the max storyline? now, i know Daniela Sea is the odd woman out in the cast, but seriously? ilene must really hate her. or maybe she’s throwing her yet another “lets-see-if-you-really-can-act-by-giving-you-an-atrocious-storyline” bone. is anyone else reminded of that pregnant daddy from oprah???

not sure how i feel about dylan coming back. cant they give Helena a healthy relationship for once? i personally liked her with tina. except for the pregnant sex. a beautiful thing, yes, but unnecessary that we see it all.

as for shane and jenny. Val, i apologize for yelling at you, but come on!! i thought it was obvious in the season finale that Jenny was saying it to shane. and then she just confirmed it when she told off nikki about their showmance. so the ending wasnt that shocking. it is, however, still painful to read about (and i imagine watch, when i finally do), because despite the foreshadowing / lead ins, it’s completely out of character!!! does anyone else remember the aids ride? the trailer scenes? why work so hard to make the jenny/nikki thing look “real” (lots of laughter, pain, i love yous and strap ons) to just dismiss it all as a showmance?? god i hate ilene chaiken.

that is all.

Comment by iwentwest

i mentioned showgirls when i was trying to explain who elizabeth berkeley was to bondy and madge, but they hadn’t seem that either! and that was just a great movie, remember when she couldn’t pronounce versace? She’ll be around for a couple episodes, maybe the showgirls references are yet to come.

also jennifer beals and her are bffs in real life! i found that tidbit awesome.

i’m just hoping that all this crap for helena leads to her and kit going on some sort of blaxploitation type-rampage that the sassy transvestite could be involved in…maybe even their own spinoff!!

also we all knew that shenny was going to happen, but it’s kind of like when you watch games on ESPN Classic, say for instance game 6 of the 1993 world series, i mean, you know the outcome, but you still cheer for mitch williams to strike joe carter out and are a little sad when it doesn’t happen (hopefully the half-lesbians who read this blog will get that reference)

Comment by Erin

erin, i dont get that reference at all. doesnt that make you gayer than me?

Comment by iwentwest

no, it makes you gayer than me! by half lesbains i meant colin et al.

Comment by Erin

Alex, are you proposing to re-open debate on The List? https://surlylump.wordpress.com/2008/08/21/for-those-of-you-following-along-at-home/#comments

Comment by VallyO

I totally got that reference even before you mentioned Mitch Williams or Joe Carter. However, having never seen the show, all I know is that you know that tragedy is around the corner but you get swept up in the moment and want to believe somehow that the inevitable is still undetermined. Anyway, I think Mitch Williams has been forgiven now that the Phillies have won a world series. Maybe Jesse Spano is not beyond redemption either.

Comment by Colin

[…] “The L Word” 6×02: Um, EW! Just all-around ew. […]

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