Ah, Regret.

“The L Word” 6×01: Longest night EVER
Mon, 19 January 2009, 11:31 pm
Filed under: "The L Word" Redux, Required Reading | Tags: , ,


As I’m sure two or three of you are aware, last night was the premiere of sixth (and final!) season of “The L Word”.  In the interest of not alienating my straight reader(s?), here’s a little summary of what this show is all about:

Centered on a group of close friends, seven lesbians living in West Hollywood, “The L Word” is a Sapphic Playboy fantasia in which women with wrinkles or squishy thighs or an aversion to lingerie appear to have been flagged down on the freeway with urgent instructions to move to Seattle.  [NYT]

Fantasia indeed–Carharts and hairy legs are for “L Word” fans, not characters.  But we’re not looking for reality here .  We’re looking to be entertained by increasingly outlandish plot twists in the lives of cliched (yet always attractive) lesbian personality types who have extremely un-lesbian amounts of sex and extremely lesbian amounts of feelings.

Speaking of feelings, I should mention that I have a love/hate relationship with this show.  The hate part definitely peaked with the  death of Dana (SO not necessary!), which I (and millions of other lesbos) am still not–nor ever will be–over.  I can think of several other incidents–such as Shane’s ridiculous “ultimate betrayal”, to name a recent one–that have caused me heavy amounts of stress.

The love part–well, it’s more like codependence.  (How fitting!)  This show is dependent on people like me to be obsessed with it, and I continually enable its dramatic behavior by watching (and now, blogging about) every single episode.  But when I think back on the good times–the “Merkin” subplot,  pretty much every line Kit has ever uttered, Joyce Wischnia–I remember why I fell in love in the first place.    (Ilene Chaiken: “Ha!  Sucker.”)

Anyway.  Although Erin and I can’t afford fancy cable channels like Showtime, we have made every effort to associate ourselves with people who can.  Therefore, last night we headed over to the Lesbian Hen Farm aka The House That Once Had a Garage aka Bondy and Madge’s place to watch the show.  (Erin: “We need to come up with some sort of combined ‘couple name’ for them.”  Badge?  Mondy?  Hmm.)  We also brought along a special guest, Josh, who is now going to be rather hard-pressed to come up with compelling evidence that he is not in fact a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.  (You’ll fit right in with my current male readership.)

And now, for your consideration, here’s my “L Word” episode commentary (Alex-style!):

6×01: “Long Night’s Journey Into Day”

Opening scene: OMG JENNY’S DEAD!!! Um, I’d like to say we experienced some element of surprise here, but since every lesbian with an internet connection found out about this plot development two months ago, we did not.  Anyway, I’m sad Jenny had to be the one to go.  I mean, don’t get me wrong–she’s no Dana.  She’s more like… a crazy bitch.  But come on, she’s hilarious!

Flashback to the final episode of Season 5.  Jenny announces that she is in love (with herself, one would imagine). Tina finds out Adele has un-gayed the ending of the movie.  Shane commits the “ultimate betrayal”.  (Ugh, this incident annoyed me even more than the Shane/Carmen wedding fiasco).

Back to the present.  Crazed/upset Jenny runs off to her Porsche to drunk-drive herself home; Shane follows in her Jeep.  A minimally exciting low-speed chase ensues (40 mph!  They’ll get themselves killed!).

Tasha and Alice are having an extremely lame fight.  Good lord, who wrote this dialogue?  (Wait, why was I expecting better dialogue?)  They break up.  I think?  Tasha packs her two shirts into her running-away-from-home bag.

Ah, Bette and Tina.  (I feel a headache coming on…)  They both look like hell.  And it looks like a disco ball exploded all over Bette’s shirt.  But anyway, Angie is a little under the weather, so of course they are flipping out and overreacting (Madge laughs at their inferior lezzie parenting skills).  Bette and Tina discuss the “ultimate betrayal” incident.  Bette: “Poor Shane.”  Poor Shane!  Oh wait, you cheated with the carpenter.  Yes, poor Shane.  God I love Bette and her moral slippery slopes!

Back to Shenny.  Jenny locks herself in the house.  Shane bangs on the door, to no avail.  Niki tags along (stupid, hot Niki!).  Niki gets the door open.  Jenny tells them to leave, but Shane has rationalizing to do!  Of course it fails and Jenny continues to yell at Shane for having sex with Niki.  Niki: “Jenny, she only ate me out.”  (HA!  Isn’t lesbian sex confusing.  But anyway, shut up Niki!  Actually don’t, you have the best lines.)  (Bondy: “Ate me out”?  I haven’t heard that phrase in YEARS!”  It’s so nice and descriptive though.  I say we bring it back.)

Then Jenny throws a LAMP at Shane!  And kicks her out.  YESS I love it.  Jenny’s bizzaro circus music theme plays in the background.  Who knows what crazy Jenny will do next!  Set the couch on fire?

Tasha and Alice are still having their breakup/fight thingy.  Tasha: “We have nothing in common!”  (*cough* Erin and me.)  Alice: “Yes we do!”  (Bondy, in her high-pitched girly girl voice: “We both like to fuck–each other!”)

Bette and Tina continue to discuss the Shane incident.  Tina brings up the Carmen debacle.  (Oh man I can’t wait for the glorious return of Carmen.)  Tina: “How hard is it to stay faithful to someone you’re in love with!”  Well–if you’re a character on “The L Word”–really f-ing hard!  Probably impossible!

Shane ends up at a late-night diner with Niki and her posse of dumb, hot friends.  Niki gets a text from Jenny to come over.  Shane is definitely looking a little rough right now with the smeared eyeliner.  (Bondy:  “She looks like Gene Simmons from Kiss.”)  Niki and her entourage peace out of the restaurant.

Shane shows up at Bette and Tina’s house.  Tina calls her boss to complain about the movie’s new hetero ending.  (Bondy: That’s a big-ass BlackBerry!”  Erin: “That’s a Sidekick.”)  Morally ambiguous Bette consoles Shane.  Morally upright Tina makes disapproving remarks.  They don’t mention the carpenter specifically, but it’s implied.  This is getting ugly.  Having done her job of tearing Bette and Tina apart, Shane leaves.

Shane heads over to Tasha and Alice’s apartment.  (Erin:  “You can see it starting to form…” *using laser pointer, makes jagged line between Tasha and Alice*).  Tasha makes snide remarks to Alice about Shane and her “good advice”.  Alice gets upset.  Shane moves on; her work is done here.

Tasha, fed up, storms out to the garage and speeds away on her dyke bike.  Alice follows suit in her Cooter–I mean Cooper–Mini.  Another low-speed chase ensues.  Thank god Tasha wore a helmet.

Poor little Molly shows up at Jenny’s house.  Jenny answers the door in her bra.  (Ya know.  Sometimes you just don’t have time to throw a shirt on!)  Jenny diabolically tells Molly a bunch of lies about Shane.  Molly, crestfallen, leaves Jenny a jacket to give back to Shane.  One of the pockets contains a heartfelt letter she wrote to Shane about loving her for who she is and all that crap.  Jenny shirtlessly reads it, and then shirtlessly hides it away in the attic.  (Erin: “Put a shirt on!”  Bondy: “No, don’t!”)

Bette and Tina work themselves into a frenzy over the state of Angie’s health.  Bette fumbles with the thermometer, struggling to take the baby’s temperature (Hmm… “Bondy!  Can you get this to work?”).  I mean come on.  All you have to do is hold the thing in the baby’s ear for two seconds and press the button.  Anyway, she finally gets a reading: 104.  Hospital time!  

When they get to the ER, the receptionist nurse rudely informs them that only one of them is allowed to put their name under “mother” on the forms.  (Madge: “Why is she so mean?”  Bondy: “That would never happen in Boulder.”)  Bette shrieks at the nurse, dropping f-bombs left and right.  (Erin: “She’s channeling her inner Kit.”)  The nurse, shaken (crazy lesbos!), relents.  

Turns out the baby is fine.  It’s just that Bette, despite her higher education, is completely incapable of using a thermometer correctly.  Now that they know the kid is OK, Bette can get back to doing what she does best: defending cheating.  Gotta love Bette!  (Bondy: “There’s nothing lovable about Bette.”)

Tasha pulls into a driveway with Alice right behind her.  Alice gets out of her car, looks up at the balcony, and guess who it is?  Papi!  Alice: “I thought you were dead or something!”  Papi: *surly remarks*.  Tasha and Alice go inside.  Alice peers into Papi’s bedroom, only to find her riduculous ex-gf Gabby lounging around in there.  Random!

Tasha and Alice go into the kitchen to hang out.  Tasha gets annoyed with Alice for calling Papi’s totally awesome Day of the Dead shrine “tacky”.  (I guess Alice wouldn’t enjoy Bondy and Madge’s similarly awesome fiber-optic Virgin Mary statue surrounded by candles.  She is so not invited to the Hen Farm.)

Helena is holding down the fort over at the club formerly known as SheBar.  (Bondy:  “This is the longest night of my life!”)  Her arms are totally jacked.  Hm well, she was in prison–what else did she have to do besides work out?  Oh yeah–have sex with her cellmate.  Anyway, she and Kit try to think of a new name for the club that’s a combination of both of their names.  Kit comes up with “Hit”.  Here’s her thought process: “Kit Helena… Kit Helena… Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit, the hit club, hit, it’s a hit–it’s a hit, it’s hit me–girl it’s hit club! GIRL where you been?!”  (LOL)

By now Jenny is kissing Niki and ripping her clothes off.  Uh-oh.  What is she plotting! Any minute now she’s going to pull out a knife or something.  (Bondy: “I can’t even enjoy this because I’m so scared of what she’s going to do!”)

Tina and Bette are STILL having their cheating discussion.  Bette: “I will never cheat on you again.”  Yeah.  If I were Tina, I wouldn’t be feeling particularly reassured.

Tasha and Alice, still sitting in Papi’s kitchen, hear Papi and Gabby having loud sex.  I mean really loud–they’re not moaning so much as they are wailing.  (Erin: “Are they at an Italian funeral or something?”)

Back at Jenny’s house, Jenny and Niki are having sex  (Bondy: “So many skinny white bitches having sex on this show!”)–without any bloodshed as of yet.  We’re still nervous.

Shane has found her way over to Hit, so Kit decides to put her to bed.  She tucks Shane in and forces herself to tell Shane that she’s not a bad person.  She calls Shane “baby GIRL” a lot and tells her that Jenny’s life has “just been one big ass-whoopin’.”  (again, LOL)

Tasha and Alice are back at their apartment.  Tasha doesn’t want to sleep in the bed with Alice, so she sets up the pullout couch.  For some reason Tasha is now sporting a bandana on her head.  Alice is wearing ridiculous glasses with thick black frames.  (Erin: “I put on my bandana because I’m doing work!”  Bondy: “I put on my librarian glasses to have sex appeal!”)  The both lay down on the pullout to chitchat and have a big gay sleepover.  AWW.

A fight breaks out between some unruly drunk bitches at Hit, so Helena steps in to regulate.  She tosses them aside like ragdolls.  (Erin: “Does she have a jail cell in the back to sleep in?”)

FINALLY it’s the next morning.  Jenny and Niki wake up together, and Niki is like, omg, so happy they’re back together and stuff.  Uh, not quite.  Jenny doesn’t end up pulling out a knife, but she does makes sure to inflict a little psychological damage before sending Niki on her way.  Much less violent than I had expected, but very Jenny-like nonetheless.  Plus we know she’s going to spiral drastically out of control soon enough.

Next episode: Elizabeth Berkley guest stars, YESSS!  Jessie Spano!  (Bondy and Madge:  “What’s ‘Saved by the Bell’?”  HA!)  I’m so exciiiiited…


15 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I have no idea what to make of this post, but i think it gave me a concussion.

Comment by Brendan

You have to wear a helmet in California. It’s the law!

Comment by Bondy

there was so much in this episode that was so good, and so very much that was so cringeworthy. so, all in all, nothing out of the ordinary.

ps, tina and helena look fanfreakingtastic. jenny doesnt look as good as last season, though… apparently death isnt good for your complexion!

Comment by iwentwest

well of course helena looks good! she was in the best workout program ever, prison. all they do is lift weights and have sex. but they have sex by holding eachother up against the cell wall, so that’s just like lifting weights too

Comment by Erin

Cringing!!!Who besides a porn star makes that much noise during sex…this show is written FOR MEN!

Comment by Natalie

Brendan–Your status right now is honorary lesbian. The day you watch an entire episode of “The L Word” and then make a relevant comment on my recap post, I will personally mail you a toaster. But I’m still impressed you read this entire post.

Natalie–I agree that those sex noises were over-the-top, but if this show were really written for men it wouldn’t have any dialogue whatsoever.

Comment by VallyO

Let me preface this by saying that I have never seen any part of any episode of the L Word. Having read this post, I think it sounds like a Sapphic Playboy fantasia. Is it just a lesbian soap opera where they show people have sex? (And subquestion: does eating out not count as sex? I have a lot to learn.) If so, then it sounds like the lesbian version of Entourage, the HBO show geared towards straight men about an actor and his friends that has next to no plot aside from having sex with models and driving sweet cars.

Comment by Colin

having seen both Entourage and the L word, I’d have to say i wish that there was a show that combined the ideas of a lesbian soap opera with driving sweet cars. Now that would be awesome, but they’d have to be careful that it didn’t turn into a whitesnake video

Comment by Erin

Colin–in answer to your question (“does eating out not count as sex?”), I’d have to say that it really depends who you ask. Lesbian sex, just like every thing else lez, is complicated (I’m sure you’ve learned that much already, at least). Perhaps this subject deserves a post of its own…

Comment by VallyO

I really would appreciate a post completely focused on lesbian “gray areas”. I think it would really help Colin and i to better be the lesbians in both of us. And I just set my DVR to record the next showing of the l word because I really think I need to see it to fully appreciate this post. And I really want that promotion to full lesbian.

Comment by Brendan

I’m a little freaked out by this show, simply because Max looks way too much like Becky. Although any show that uses the phrase “showmance” is incredible.

Comment by brendan

I also want tasha to kick alice’s ass. REALLY badly.

Comment by brendan

Wow. Guess I owe you a toaster!

Comment by VallyO

It sounds like the commentary going on in the Boulder viewings is very similar to the commentary in Philly. I too <3 Kit. Is it me or did the acting get dramatically worse from last season?

Comment by Cat

[…] is no fun!  Well maybe there is–if you watch it with the right people.  And join in the comment-fests on these […]

Pingback by “The L Word” 6×03: OMFG « Ah, Regret.

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