Ah, Regret.

Now Jordin is the only Sparks I have left…
Fri, 19 December 2008, 3:36 pm
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , ,

First Zima, and now this.  I don’t know how much more my heart can bear.  In another devastating blow to the “malternative” beverage industry, Miller-Coors has reached an agreement to “withdraw and reformulate” its Sparks line of hybrid alcohol-energy drinks.  They’re going to remove caffeine, guarana and other stimulants from Sparks and cease marketing it to underage drinkers. 

You might as well “reformulate” the sun not to shine.  Dear readers, I’m saddened to report that for all intents and purposes, Sparks is dead.


Says Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, self-righteously:

“Sparks is an insidious and insane drink that deservedly now is down the drain […] Beverages like Sparks are a witch’s brew of alcohol and caffeine, energizing drunks and encouraging dangerous, even deadly behavior.

[…] Studies show that these drinks lead to binge drinking, car crashes, sexual assaults and other risky behavior. They impair reactions and reasoning, but instill the illusion of alertness and energy.”

This witch hunt against alcoholic energy beverages targeted towards teenagers is completely uncalled for.  You want to know what’s really “insidious and insane”, Blumenthal?  The fact that you’re infringing upon my god-given right–and the right of underage drinkers across the nation–to be an energetic drunk!

Listen.  For those of us who need to stay up all night in a chemically-altered state but can’t afford a bunch of coke, Sparks was always the answer.  Yes, it tasted like liquefied Pixy Stix.  Yes, it tinted one’s tounge a highly unnatural orange hue (See Fig. 1).  But we (except maybe Erin) didn’t drink it for the taste or for the “Sparks tongue”.  (Well OK, maybe a little bit for the Sparks tongue.)  We drank it for the same reason we even drink at all–because all of our friends were doing it and it made us cool.

(Fig. 1) Note Heather's tongue (right).

(Fig. 1) Note Heather's tongue (right).

Of course, the other main reason we drank it was to prepare our weary bodies for hours upon hours of sustained binge drinking.  It was 11:00 PM, and we’d had a long day of class/work.  Or it was 11:00 AM, and we’d had a long night of pre-Homecoming festivities.  We were tired, but the party was calling.  All of our friends would be there.   They’d have drinking games.  RABs.  Jaegabombs.  We could finally BE someone.  We NEEDED this.  We needed to wake up, but at the same time start getting drunk.  We needed Sparks.

Selecting the correct Sparks was crucial.  You had Sparks original, Sparks Light, Sparks Plus, and–yeah I’m going to throw it out there–Tilt.  The one rule of thumb was to avoid Sparks Light at all costs–Sparks tasted bad enough already without bringing (more?) artificial sweeteners into the mix.  (And if you’re trying that hard to cut back on the cals, you really shouldn’t be binge drinking in the first place.  Drinking makes you fat [so does half a pizza, which you eat when you’re wasted].)  

Sparks Plus (aka Sparks Ice), my personal favorite, offered the one-two punch of higher alcohol content and slightly more tolerable taste (a little less sweet, a little more metallic) than Sparks original.  Or if you were feeling strapped for cash, you could go for Tilt, Sparks’ cheaper cousin, which offered slightly crappier quality and four Zima-style fruity flavors from which to choose.

From there it was easy street.  Crack open the can, get a buzz while getting buzzed.  Throw back some shots, pound some beers, scam on some bitches, black out, and wake up in your regret socks.  Too tired to to party again today?  Not anymore.  Just crack another can and repeat.

Ah, those (minus the ruined friendships, barfing, destruction of personal property, questionable hookups, STDs, severe hangovers, and that deep, pervading, lifelong sense of regret) were the good ol’ days.  But with Sparks gone from our lives, how are we going to kick start our rock n’ roll livers like we used to?  

Vodka Red Bulls, you say?  Irish coffee?  I don’t know, those sound like twice the work and half the fun of drinking a pre-mixed alcoholic energy beverage from a heavily symbolic battery-shaped can.  Sparks, we took you for granted.  You know what, readers?  All of you need to stop what you’re doing, go find your favorite alcoholic beverage, and tell it how much you love it and can’t live without it.  Go now, before it’s too late!

Although its fate is sealed, Sparks will have one last hurrah before the battery loses charge forever.  According to the Associated Press, Miller-Coors will “sell through its remaining Sparks products and stop making them by Jan. 10,” so I’d advise you guys to stock up while you still can (pun intended).  I’m talking CASES.  And next time you’re enjoying a Sparks, tip some out in memory.  Wait no, don’t waste it!  Get yourself a 40 and tip that shit out instead.

To conclude, I’ll leave you with the following ode to Sparks (care of the University of Delaware men’s ultimate frisbee team, whose love of Sparks is second only to its love of the shocker):

Sparks for breakfast, Sparks for lunch
Sparks for dinner, Sparks for brunch

The party just won’t be the same without GIRLS: God I really love Sparks.


4 Comments so far
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i was just thinking how i needed to tip an ounce out for the passing of sparks, but didn’t want to waste any of that remaining sweet nectar.
p.s. wicus wanted me to split 50 cases with him.

Comment by Erin

This was your most inspired post yet by far.

Comment by Brendan


Comment by alex

[…] If I’m going to eat healthy cake, I might as well drink decaf coffee or the “reformulated” version of Sparks. […]

Pingback by We’re not gay… « Ah, Regret.

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