Ah, Regret.

How the Dyke Stole Hxmas!

It has recently come to my attention (read: the office xmas tree just got assembled) that it is now officially that time of year known as “xmastime” (see Fig. 1 and Fig. 2).

[Fig. 1] Everyone else (who isn't Jewish or whatnot) at xmastime.

Fig. 1: Everyone else (who isn't Jewish or whatnot) at xmastime.


Fig. 2: Me at xmastime.

Get the picture?

That’s right, everyone.  If you can believe it, I’m a bitter, cave-dwelling creature whose heart is two sizes too small.  I (only somewhat metaphorically) live atop snowy Mount Crumpit, glaring down at the obnoxiously festive Who people of Whoville with their front lawn nativity scenes and their holiday sales and their no-foam skim gingerbread lattes.  

Meanwhile, all I really want to do is sled down into town so that I can steal all of their material goods and put them in a huge bag, thus making them realize how empty their pathetic little Who lives really are.  That would show them!!  Yeah!!!  Ah crap, now Shannon is going to make me watch The Polar Express.  *sigh*

Shannon's heart.

Fig. 3: Shannon's heart.

My heart.

Fig. 4: My heart (you may have to squint).

Anyway, if your poor little Who eyes are (like Shan’s, I’m sure) now brimming with little Who tears over my lack of xmas spirit, don’t despair!  There do exist a precious few things that I actually enjoy about this whole “Yuletide season” shizz.


  • Holiday light displays (on houses, trees, downtown etc.)
  • The Trans-Siberian Orchestra (whom I’m not ashamed to admit to having seen live in concert)
  • TBS’s annual 24-hour A Christmas Story marathon on xmas day
  • The hilarious inedibility of fruitcake
  • “The Twelve Days of Hxmas”*

Now allow me to explain the things about the season that arouse a most grinchy feeling in my tiny little heart.  Because it’s my blog and I’ll rant if I want to!


  • The ugly (deadly?! wtf) onslaught of frantic consumerism
  • The half-assed, unctuous attempts to inject some sort of religiousness back into the holiday (be sure to note the the disgusted look on my face during the Roman Catholic ritual which I will be guilted into attending with my family, despite my extreme distate for not only [in this case, blatantly anti-gay] organized religion but also the concept of “god” in general.  Is it just me, or is Lyn [my mamaduke] praying extra hard for me this time of year?)
  • Speaking of religion, the fact that non-Christians get xmas shoved down their throats for the entire month (and yeah, “Happy Holidays” = “Merry Christmas from someone who likes to pretend to be oh so PC”)
  • Paying $400 to, on the dates of December 24 – December 29, be relentlessly interrogated by my family (“When are you going to grad school?”  “Are you still… er… ‘gay’?”), unhappily attend said religious ceremony, have numerous awkward encounters with people I wasn’t really friends with in high school, miss my college/post-college friends that are all in their respective far-flung hometowns, etc etc etc.  Aaand (hence) drink heavily (and most likely call Campell–what a lucky guy!–in drunken tears on xmas day).  Oh!  And gain 10 pounds from eating/drinking my feelings.  In short, xmas makes you fat (and broke)!

Phew!  That sure was a lot of grinching.  (I’m angsty, Campbell.  You know this.)  But I know just the thing to cheer us up: hxmas!

What exactly is “hxmas”, you ask?  Let’s turn to a recent gchat with Heather (aka Hx) to find out:

me: i just bought my stupid xmas plane tix
* grinch *
Heather: stop it. you love xmas
me: i do not.  it depresses me
me: that’s true
Heather: hxmas
me: oh! now i like that holiday
Heather: Merry hxmas!

So although I </3 xmas, I <3 hxmas!  And here, for your enjoyment, is a traditional hxmas carol, as penned by Hx and yours truly.  Via gchat of course.  

(Hint: Don’t try to understand it–just let it happen.)

*The Twelve Days of Hxmas [shortened version]

On the twelfth day of hxmas, heathie gave to me…
Twelve Salad-Tossings,
Eleven L-Word haircuts,
Ten lez emotions,
Nine sexy trannies,
Eight fishy tacos,
Seven lezzie lohans,
Six girls a-gaying,
Four-lettered words,
Three french ticklers,
Two second-base hugs,
And a partridge in a big gay tree !!!!!

Heather: well this is just GREAT.
me: this needs to be published

So, dear readers, here’s wishing you a big gay hxmas–or xmas, or channukah, or whatever other holidays there are (fake-PC-ness alert)!


9 Comments so far
Leave a comment

how is heather stoner straight???

Comment by iwentwest

Your guess is as good as mine! Maybe because Colin is a lesbian ??

Comment by VallyO

Let’s just say I have an ace up my sleeve…er, in my pants.

Comment by Colin

OH! count it

Comment by VallyO

I’m straight because I’m not that good at ultimate.

And because Colin has an ace in the hole…er, in his pants.

Comment by hx

[…] How the Dyke Stole Hxmas! […]

Pingback by How the Dyke Stole Hxmas, Part II: Little Cindy Lou Who Strikes Back « Ah, Regret.

My phones broken, you wont be able to call me

Comment by Campbell

Nice try Campbell! Get ready for the waterworks.

Comment by VallyO

[…] How the Dyke Stole Hxmas! […]

Pingback by How the Dyke Stole Hxmas, Part III: Yes, Val-ginia, there is a Santa Claus « Ah, Regret.

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