Ah, Regret.

Go West, Young Lump!
Thu, 31 July 2008, 11:42 am
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: , , , , , ,

If you are lucky enough to have read the lyrics to my upcoming hit single “I Kissed a Girl [Yet Another Version that is Not A Cover of the Original, but Totally Rules]”, you have become aware that my list of recent notable life events includes a dramatic cross-country (well not all the way across, but still a few times zones away) move, inspired by a certain blue-eyed lady.

So here I am, a Jersey Girl in Boulder, Colorado (a situation which is a lot less novel than I had hoped it would be, since it is apparently much more rare to find a native Coloradoan here than it is to find an East Coast transplant). You, dear reader, are from the East Coast, so you have a few questions.

So, how are you liking the good ol’ Midwest (snicker)?
I’m sure it’s great, but as you know Colorado is part of the Mountain Division of the West Region. We’re running on Mountain Standard Time here (that’s two hours behind Center of the Universe Time, excuse me, I mean Eastern Standard Time.)

Colorado, eh? I’ve been to/have a friend from Colorado Springs/Vail/Telluride.
While those are in fact cities/towns of Colorado, they are anywhere from two to six hours (driving) away from Boulder. (Denver is a mere 40 minutes southeast, however.)

Wait, you can drive for six hours and still be in the same state? No one ever told me that.
Believe it. And this is only the eighth-largest one.

What’s Boulder like? A bunch of crunchy hippies wearing Birks who smoke pot out on the lawn?
A: It’s more like a bunch of scuppies and rich college kids wearing Crocs (whose HQ is a short bike ride away from here) who keep their public pot-smoking to a minimum (er, except during the annual 4/20 Pot Smokeout). Here is a picture of this fine city.

What’s been going on around town lately?
Glad you asked. Here is a sampling of some recent local news headlines.

‘Bear wagon’ to make rounds in south Boulder
Former ‘Family Ties’ star Brian Bonsall remains a fugitive
Boulder teen charged in naked LSD Taser incident
Volunteers needed for daisy pull
Despite allure, leaping into Gross Reservoir illegal

Is Boulder Gayville?
It doesn’t rain much in Boulder, but when it does, it’s only for fifteen minutes and is often immediately followed by sunshine. Therefore, during my brief time here, I feel as if I’ve seen more rainbows than I did during my entire twenty-three years back East.

Do you ski a lot?
Nope, I’m too poor. Thank you for reminding me.

Winter must be pretty harsh out there, it’s always snowing.
A typical winter on the Front Range is mild, with frequent but light snowfall and a lot of sunshine. (Boulder has about as many sunny days per year as Miami.) Summer is also relatively comfortable, because although temperatures can reach the upper nineties, humidity remains around only 10%. So no more slushy winters or sticky summers, sadly.

You must be so outdoorsy now!
I do enjoy drinking out on the patio.

Do you eat a lot of organic food?
Nope, I’m too poor. Again, thanks for the reminder.

How come your tolerance for alcohol consumption and cardiovascular activity is so much higher than mine? I know you don’t drink or run anywhere near as much as I do.
High altitude training, my friend. It works for Olympic athletes, and it works for me.

I’m a Stoner with seasonal affective disorder who enjoys camping, music festivals, and cross-country bike rides. Should I move to Boulder?
No. But you should definitely visit every few months.

When are you moving back East?
Whenever I grow weary of clean air and mountain sunsets.

Stop hating on the East Coast.
I got nothin but love for yous guys. 908 in the Garden State! Jersey represent! NYC! Pennsyltucky! The District! Charm City! Delawhere? Where you at!

*makes some noise*


6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i like that your outdoor activity is drinking on the patio. sipping tequila, no doubt!

Comment by originalmf

HA Pennsyltucky!!

Comment by Nikki

this was awesome.
id do one for the west coast, but let’s be honest, im not nearly as funny as you are.

Comment by iwentwest

read this: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25802385/

Comment by iwentwest

[…] it on the altitude! (BIOTA)!” Hey, that’s my line (and also this Colorado-based bottled water company’s, apparently)! Except I would argue that […]

Pingback by You’re enjoying your election year, everything’s going your way (or not), then along comes Denver Downer « Ah, Regret.

[…] of clever yet somewhat insulting slogans for I could think up for this big little city (perhaps this post could inspire you next time), but that is certainly not one of them. (I eagerly await the […]

Pingback by B-city Burned by Brooks « Ah, Regret.

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