VallyOFiled under: Required Reading | Tags: brendan is an honorary lesbian, lumpiness, pies in the sky, rainbows, the virbs
Let me just start out by saying that all credit for today’s post goes to Virb. (She thinks of the topic so I don’t have to. The rest of you readers, take note.) My parents certainly owe Virb a debt of gratitude, because ever since I blogged about the colors of my (amazing technicolor) parachute, she has dedicated herself to the thankless task of discovering the perfect career choice for yours lumpily. (I would try to think of ideas myself, but I just really don’t have the time. I’ve been busy with… stuff. cough. smushmrinking.*)
As you may recall from the aforementioned post, for me the real question isn’t, “What color is your parachute?” (duh–rainbow.); it’s “What careers can someone with a gay parachute like yours successfully pursue (read: tolerate)?” You may also recall that I did come up with a few promising leads, but, frustratingly, each of these–like all of the other career ideas ever postulated by me or anyone else–is ultimately going to end up getting thrown out for one reason or another (i.e. would require me to obtain a graduate degree, and/or work with people, and/or get up early, and/or put forth a great deal of effort…).
So you can see how, when it comes to figuring out a way to attain financial stability in a manner deemed socially acceptable for a college graduate with a middle-class socioeconomic background (*YAWN*–my memoirs should be riveting), Virb could very well be my only hope. No pressure or anything!
My blog is becoming the job section of surlylump.craigslist.org.
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, erin (is easily outraged), fish tacos, lezbros, lumpiness, No time! There's never any time!
It’s been a rough week, Dear Readers. But I know just the thing to cheer me up: WHINING ABOUT IT IN MY BLOG! (Oh, TEH CAPS LOCK is so cathartic. I’m feeling better already!)
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: Ariel Levy doesn't even know I exist, lumpiness, pies in the sky, rainbows, unicorns
You may think that, for a directionless 24 year-old with a liberal arts degree and no marketable skills, a Career is nothing more than a pipe dream. A fantasy. A pie in the sky. Wishful thinking. (OK… I get the point!) Well, you’re probably right. But hey, you know what? If unicorns are real (which they are!), then maybe the idea of me joining the ranks of you Esteemed Professionals isn’t so far-fetched after all. (All I have to do is believe! And go to grad school. *sigh*)
Now, many of you devoted readers will remember one very soild career possibility that I discussed in this blog. And while I agree that the model/actor gig looks great on paper, let’s face it: in reality, any number of things could go wrong along the way. What if I became involved in a cocaine scandal? What if my TV success failed to translate to the big screen? What if I dated Kanye West, but people realized we were both each other’s beards, and then even our staged breakup couldn’t garner enough publicity to make my pictures start selling again? Huh? What then?
Furthermore, even if I did make it big, it’s not like I’d be set for life. I may be young and beautiful now, but what happens when I’m 30? I wouldn’t even be able to get my old job at Hooter’s back! I’d be ruined! You think I’d be able to Tweet myself back into cultural relevancy like MC Hammer did? Forget about it!
Whoa, OK. I need a Plan B–and I’m not talking about the pill. (Unless there’s some sort of “career pill” on the market now–I definitely need that. Whether or not it’s been evaluated by the FDA.) What I need is a list of potential professions. And so let’s ask ourselves: what could be a suitable Career for a lump like me?
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: a.chan, hx, lumpiness, what are words worth
“Meh” is the official catchphrase of surly lumps everywhere (see Fig. 1).
Fig 1: Surly Lump.
Yet if you think about it, despite its importance to surly-lump-dom, it’s not really much of a word. It’s more like… a mutter. Certainly not noble enough to be found in a dictionary (other than the urban one), right?
Wrong! Apparently “Meh” has officially entered the English language. LOL! According to the Associated Press,
The expression of indifference or boredom has gained a place in the Collins English Dictionary after generating a surprising amount of enthusiasm among lexicographers.
So here’s a funny story I think you people might enjoy. I was at Target yesterday, perusing the pajama section (is anyone else disturbed that they make those one-piece “footie” pajamas for adults?), when I heard some guy behind me say, “Excuse me, hi.”
Me: [Oh crap! A stranger is talking to me! Can I somehow flee the scene? What's the quickest escape root? Ladies' Lingerie? Newborn Clothing? Electronics?] Hi.
The Guy: Have you ever considered modeling or acting?
Me: [I think we can all agree that I would have been a fool to have "considered" said careers.] Er… no…
The Guy [whom I'm suddenly noticing is short, fat, and balding]: Well, you should. I work for blah blah blah [plus-size? ugly-face?] modeling agency, and we’re having auditions next weekend, so you should come. I think you have a “look”. Here’s my card, you should check out our website.
Me: *stifling bewildered laughter* Oh, um, OK. Cool. I’ll check that out. Thanks!
Oh, I have a “look”, all right. What would we call it?
Think I can make some paper with this mug? Does modeling require wearing makeup?
Uh… long story short, she was “hiding” from the paps. More details here.
I like the pink lump look. Perhaps I’ll have to try it out myself (while Erin drives me around).
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: a.chan, everything marie touches turns to gay, i'm awesome, lumpiness, spaghetti cat, the omf, unicorns
A Few Reasons My Blog Totally Rules
- It’s so humble!
- Exact figures have not yet been released, but early reports estimate that posting in it has more than halved my already underwhelming productivity levels at work.
- It’s one of the (many, apparently!) things that makes me gayer than Cat C. aka Gramps. (For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of knowing that Pioneer of Gay, let me put it this way: it’s kind of like saying Shelley is now gayer than Marie, or Lindsay is gayer than Ellen.)
- Spaghetti Cat!
- It gives Alex a forum in which to frantically post hilarious/incoherent comments. (Haven’t read all of them yet? You’re not getting the full surlylump blog experience. Go back right now and click the “comments” link on almost every post I’ve ever made.)
- Baby Unicorn: It makes people believe in me.
- It has the scientifically-proven ability to make people snort coffee out the nose.
- It makes you, dear reader, just a little bit gayer too.
Filed under: Lezzie Celebs, Required Reading | Tags: de Generossi, erin (is easily outraged), gay marriage is all the rage, lumpiness, rainbows, regret
Sapphic marriage is all the rage these days, eh?
It does seem like a rainbow-puking good time, but I’m still ambivalent about the whole thing. Teh gayz should have the same rights as the latent homosexuals, er I mean straights, but what’s so great about marriage anyway? I guess there’s the allure of becoming a ’50s housewife bitch. But with Erin constantly demanding that I make her a sandwich, I already am that person (don’t be jealous). On the other hand, lesbians are known for their love of commitment, so why not get it in writing? Plus, alcohol-soaked wedding receptions (is that redundant to say?) are awesome and full of regret just waiting to happen. And I like rings.
Well perhaps I’ll wait it out and see whether gay divorce is cool or not. (I’m sorry, was that a surly, lumpy thing to say?) And if I ever do agree to participate in the Sacrament of Holy Gay Matrimony you’d better believe I’m going to go back and delete this post and pretend it never happened.
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: lumpiness, hx, gordy, debbie downer, i have a lot of feelings, Dvorak vs QWERTY, cougar
If you were frantically wondering why there’s been a lull in my blog these days, it’s because I was out of town this past weekend up until last night. My bad. What was I doing with my time? Well, I can best sum it all up in three words: sea level drinking. Anyway, the first day of work after vacation is always bothersome, so in that spirit, I’d like to register various complaints for your enjoyment/annoyance.
- I’m tired.
- My phone is dead, and I can’t find my phone charger. Or my backup phone charger which I purchased the last time this sort of thing happened.
- Heather is not really responding to my gchats. Oh, and she just signed off.
- Cable guys never show up when they say they will.
- I have a debilitating caffeine addiction.
- Moving is annoying. Our stuff is still sitting in boxes at the apt. and hasn’t put itself away as of yet.
- I miss the Coug and Gordy. Actually, I also miss everyone that doesn’t live in Boulder.
- (I have a lot of feelings.)
- It has recently come to my attention that if my keyboard layout were Dvorak instead of QWERTY, the improved inboard stroke flow would purportedly reduce finger fatigue. (Hm that sure sounded dirty.) Alas, the Dvorak design never quite took off.
- I’m becoming irritated with my own barrage of complaints.
- But god, I love to complain.
This is going to be a Day, all right. *Debbie Downer sad trombone sound*
