VallyOFiled under: Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, Gaga in the room, tiny tim
(From “Friday Night with Jonathan Ross” on BBC One, 10/30/2009. Thanks Campbell Tim.)
As Campbell said, “Who the fuck needs Lady Gaga now?” Well actually, I do–at least until Christopher Walken starts doing this:
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, erin (is easily outraged), everything i touch or don't touch turns to gay, lezbros, pride, rainbows
'I love lesbians, but in the least d-bag way possible.'
This past weekend Denver was hosting some sort of rainbow-lovers’ festival. And I <3 rainbows!!!!! So I rounded up fellow ROYGBIV-ers Camby and Erin, and we hopped onto our unicorn and rode into the city to see what all the fuss was about.
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: AOU, CamBaloney, pies in the sky, rainbows, the omf, unicorns, wix
So here’s a somewhat disappointing follow-up to my previous post. It would seem that the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck (BGICT)–the news of which whipped up a coneful of internet frenzy (with rainbow sprinkles on top) and inspired my new Big Gay Career Plan (BGCP)–is more elusive than a unicorn. And I don’t mean a unicorn in this blog (where you can see one in every paragraph if you look hard enough)–I mean a unicorn in the wild.
Faithful readers, you know this man. But you may not recognize him, because the last time you saw him, his ratio of facial hair to hair-on-head was reversed. However, you can rest assured that, regardless of his hair situation, Campbell aka C Man aka CamBaloney (whoops, was that last one supposed to stay between you and your mom?) is still the lezbro–New Jersey born and bred!–we all know and love.
Therefore, I am pleased to announce that our dear friend, who once turned up his nose at the mere mention of the so-called blogosphere, has just become its newest and most enthusiastic member! That’s right, our beloved lezbro–who has dubbed himself Less Annoying Than Guy Fieri (note to my foodie readers: I’m sorry, but I did have to google that name)–is going to use our era’s finest form of publication to regale us (in a manner that is, presumably, less than unbearably annoying) with tales of life, love, and–most important–food!
So after a long night of drinking Heinekens and scamming on hot skanks at the dance club, head on over to the blog that’s open 24 hours a day / 7 days a week, complete with a surly waitstaff that’s always available to offer you a cup of lukewarm coffee–or to just ignore you completely until the second you get up to walk out of the *$&@!# place. Jersey style (<3).
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, erin (is easily outraged), fish tacos, lezbros, lumpiness, No time! There's never any time!
It’s been a rough week, Dear Readers. But I know just the thing to cheer me up: WHINING ABOUT IT IN MY BLOG! (Oh, TEH CAPS LOCK is so cathartic. I’m feeling better already!)
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, cougar, lezbros, old school lesbians, regret
So. Here at unicorn central, we’ve talked about old lesbians, and we’ve talked about men who (reeeally) love lesbians, but there’s one fascinating demographic we have yet to discuss: men who look like old lesbians.
What? Well… it’s just one of those things that you have to see for yourself. From Cracked.com, here is a list of The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. (It’s like a much harsher-on-the-eyes version of AfterEllen.com’s Top 10 Lesbian-ish Men.)
First of all, a note to my, um, mature lesbian readers. Ladies, this post is NOT about you! I think you’re very pretty, and you’re not even that old. So don’t get cranky. Let’s see that youthful smile! That youthful sense of humor!
And lezbros, don’t you get all upset either–just because you hang out with us all the time doesn’t mean you’ll start looking like us one day (exception: Figure 1). It just means that, at some point, you will suddenly realize that your manly stoicism has been replaced by the constant urge to barf feelings all over the place. (This is perfectly normal. Just grab a box of tissues and an ice cream cake and wait for it to pass.)
Fig. 1: The Exception.
Now let’s talk about the list. First of all, I find it hilarious, despite the nagging feeling that I should somehow feel offended by it. But then again, having read my girlfriend Ariel Levy’s New Yorker article about the Van Dykes–a group of radical, REAL lesbians who probably wouldn’t hesitate to punch me in the face if they saw this blog post–I already know that I’m a poor excuse for a lesbian. So I’ll just suppress my guilt about that and hold on to it forever. (Ah, regret.)
Moving right along. You may have noticed that my beloved current state of residence, the big C-O, got a few shoutouts on the list. That’s right–apparently I’m living in some sort of paradise for old lesbians. (You know, now that I think about it, I probably should have realized this earlier–I mean, Colorado is home to comfortable-footwear companies (Crocs), organic grocers (Wild Oats Market), and a place called Beaver Creek.) Let’s take a look:
He Is:
Actor. Director.
Looks Like:
The head of Women’s Studies at Community College of Denver.
He Was:
Singer. Country boy. Aviator.
Looks Like:
The founder of Colorado’s first Lesbian Games, a non-competitive Olympics guaranteeing “participation trophies” for all entrants.
Nice. Also, I am horrified/amused to note that the author of this list, Keith Mays–a “pioneer in the field of men who look like old lesbians”–has an entire blog devoted to this subject. Wow, this guy sure is dedicated. But he’d better not show up in Colorado anytime soon–old dykes aren’t exactly known for their sense of humor.
Filed under: Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, erin (is easily outraged), kanye west is heterosexual, pop music, rainbows
Um OK so, this is interesting. Remember Kanye West, America’s straightest man? Well, my beloved AE is reporting that he is rumored to be dating… a lesbian! Her name is Amber Rose, and as for her purported sexuality… well, let’s have a look, shall we?
Uh yeah, even Erin’s gaydar is going off right now. What is this, some sort of double-beard scheme? I don’t know what to make of it. I know that in “Stronger” he said “I’d do anything for a blonde dyke”, but keep in mind that this is coming from a rapper whose lyrics only occasionally make any sort of sense.
Maybe they really are in a relationship, and it was their love of rainbows that brought them together. Or maybe when Amber said “I’m gay” Kanye thought she was just saying that she’s dope. But listen Cambpell (and any other confused/hopeful parties), I’m sorry but the moral of this story is NOT that dykes like to give blowjobs. (Jenny won’t even eat oysters for god’s sake.)
Filed under: "The L Word" Redux, Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, erin (is easily outraged), lezbros, No time! There's never any time!, old school lesbians, The L Word
(You’d think that all lesbians, by default, have the enzyme that enables the digestion of “The L Word” Season Six. Well, either I’m lacking said enzyme, or it just doesn’t exist. But I’m hoping beer will perform a lactaid-like function.)
I know I say this every week, but this episode really was the worst one yet. I swear! I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever actually begged Bondy to fast-forward through a scene before. Yeesh.
One realization I had after sitting through this particularly painful episode was that up until now, I had really been taking the show’s gratuitous sex scenes for granted. But now I truly understand that they are not in fact “gratuitous”. They serve a very important purpose, which–as any straight man could tell you–is to make even the most excruciating “L Word” episodes at least remotely watchable.
That’s right: this week’s episode did not include any hot girl-on-girl action whatsoever. Well OK, technically it had one “sex scene” (Tasha jackhammering Alice on the sofa), but it was so far from “hot” that I really can’t count it. Another sex scene almost happened (Shane and Niki having an artsy darkroom encounter) but alas, Shane’s untimely barfing fit put a quick–not to mention completely gross–stop to that one.
On a side note, this week’s viewing included special guest Campbell. Previously, the only “L Word” episodes he had seen were from Seasons One and Two. (Needless to say he was not only disgusted, but also shocked to see Shenny happening.) And so the question remains: why would he ever want to ruin that by watching this season? Is he a dedicated lezbro, or just a fool (like the rest of us)? It’s hard to say. But now he has no excuse not to read this entire post and leave a relevant comment! Looking forward to it, bud.
Filed under: Other Whimsy | Tags: CamBaloney, erin (is easily outraged), everything erin touches turns to a gay blaze of glory, everything i touch or don't touch turns to gay, old school lesbians, rainbows, The L Word
…we just really love cake.
You’re probably wondering how we got it to look like that. Well… we just touched it. JK!!!!!
Actually, Erin and I went through the extremely labor-intensive–yet gratifying, in a womanly sort of way–process of “baking”. Not my preferred method of creating foods (Measuring exact amounts! Baking for exact times! Wondering whether it’s “done” or not! The perils of high-altitude baking!), but I think the results were worth the slavish hours spent in the kitchen. And considering the fact that Erin was involved, I’m thanking my lucky stars that neither the cake nor the kitchen ended up in flames.
The recipe comes from surprisingly entertaining foodie blog The Omnomicon. (Mad props to Virb for suggesting that I “make this cake and blog about it”.) Now I’m not usually the type to read blogs about foodstuffs, but I have to admit that this one stands on its own as worthwhile reading material. Case in point: the author’s recommended occasions for serving the rainbow cake:
- A child’s birthday
- Your mom’s birthday
- Coming out to your conservative parents
- If you’re a lesbian, they’ll be thrilled that you won’t be forgoing your feminine kitchen duties.
- If you’re the kind of gay dude who makes cakes for your parents, they were probably on to you anyway.
You’ll note that the original recipe is low in both fat and sugar. Well, that just doesn’t sound like cake to me. If I’m going to eat healthy cake, I might as well drink decaf coffee or the “reformulated” version of Sparks. Besides, if god wanted cake to be healthy, he wouldn’t have created butter and sugar. So in order to avoid blashpemy (and healthy eating), Erin and I modified the recipe to include heart-stopping (or in sugar’s case, quite the opposite) amounts of those ingredients.
Such a momentous cake-baking should not go un-photo-documented. So allow me to walk you through our gay day in the kitchen:
Filed under: Gchatterbox, Required Reading | Tags: CamBaloney, hx, it's gonna be a punk rock hxmas, shannon is 12, surly lumps are not nice people
It has recently come to my attention (read: the office xmas tree just got assembled) that it is now officially that time of year known as “xmastime” (see Fig. 1 and Fig. 2).
![[Fig. 1] Everyone else (who isn't Jewish or whatnot) at xmastime.](http://surlylump.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/xmas_fun.jpg?w=378&h=250 "xmas_fun")
Fig. 1: Everyone else (who isn't Jewish or whatnot) at xmastime.
Fig. 2: Me at xmastime.
Get the picture?
