Ah, Regret.

Today’s post is dedicated to someone very special: my mom (of a friend), Big Al aka “[not] Big [not] Gay Al” aka “Skinny Straight Al” aka “BA”.  Why does she have so many nicknames?  Because she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.  Right Heather?  (Heather: “Please stop talking.”)

Anyway, today is a Big day for Big Al: the Big five-oh!  So I’m sending out some birthday love to my smokin’ hot mama.  Not “hot” as in “flashes”; “hot” as in “hot“!

Now, if you’re like me–young, arrogant, and good-looking–the thought of living past the age of 29 makes you break out in a cold sweat.  Wrinkles, gray hair, loss of coolness, unspeakable medical conditions, mom jeans–the horror.  

But then again, look at Big Al.  Maybe there is lyfe after Youth!

Big Al: 50 Years Young

• She can still drink anyone–Irishmen, frat boys, probably even Lily Allen–under the table.
• She has guys half her age lining up to buy her drinks.
• She’s still body-checking bitches at the ice hockey rink (*cough* so lez).  Puck on!
• She recently sent me a text message saying, “Are you there Val?  It’s me, Al”
• She is an avid reader of (and commenter on) Ah, Regret.
• She’s hot.  Check out that cleave. 

That’s right.  Big Al isn’t 50… she’s 18 with 32 years experience!

And for those of you following Big Al’s campaign for Vice President in 2012, I have some breaking news: confident of victory, Big Al has already chosen a press secretary.  Here he is:

Sassy!  Says Big Al: “I need a man like that around to keep the wolves at bay.”  But the question remains: who’s going to keep the cougar at bay?

Hopefully no one!  But anyway, happy 50th Big Al.  Sorry I can’t make your party, but I’ll drink a marg (or two) in your honor.  And make sure you text me the following morning with tales of regret–you can never be too old for that!