Ah, Regret.

Hm this cast looks familiar...

Oh dear lord.  Not since the announcement of “The L Word” Season Six’s “murder-mystery” theme have I felt such a heavy sense of lesbian dread.  Apparently Showtime, not satisfied with the irreversible damage Ilene Chaiken has already inflicted on our lives through the directing of television shows, is gleefully providing her with an whole new outlet for her sadistic tendencies (special thanks to Ah, Regret reader Heather for the tip):

[Showtime] has greenlit nine episodes of “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” from “L Word” creator Ilene Chaiken [...]

[The show] will follow six lesbians in Los Angeles as they go about their lives — a lesbian answer to Bravo’s ”Real Housewives” franchise.  [Variety]

Wow.  There is SO much that is wrong with that.  Sooo so much.  Shall we begin?

First thing’s first.  It’s ILENE.  Remember her?  You know, the woman responsible for things like Shenny (still, just… ew), Season Six in general, and oh I don’t know–Dana’s death?  No?  You had successfully repressed all of that and moved on with your life?  Well I’m sorry to trigger an emotional relapse here, but hey–in this blog, if we go down, we go down together.  (Alex, I know what you’re thinking, and that is not what I meant!  But I like the way you think.)

Next order of business: I find it mildly horrifying to read the words “lesbian” and “reality show” in the same sentence.  Just think–if a show about attractive lesbians and their fictionalized drama drove us, on a weekly basis, to the brink of insanity, I can’t imagine how we would ever be able to cope with the real thing.  (Well OK, not completely “real”–it’s a reality show for god’s sake; it’s going to be at least somewhat scripted.  Even so, I expect that it will still have a higher degree of real-ness than, say, all of Kit’s dialogue in Season Six, for example.)

I mean, I’ll admit it: despite my incessant whining, “The L Word” was at times sexy, entertaining–even fun.  (I don’t know “When?”, exactly–maybe Season Two?  Just go with it, OK?!)  But real dyke drama is rarely any of those things.  In fact, it is probably more accurately described as “headache-inducing”–which could explain why, when I first learned of Showtime’s plans for “The Real L World: Los Angeles”, I promptly suffered a migraine.  (Oh don’t worry, I have plenty of experience dealing with these from the final season of “The L Word”.  I just need to go lie down for half an hour and I’ll be fine.)

(OK, I’m back.)  With regards to casting for this show, one can only imagine the well-worn “types” that are bound to be selected: the pretty one who could pass for a straight girl, the fiery latina, the butch one, the futch one, the old (but not too old) one, the tattooed singer/songwriter… something along those lines.  And I’m sure this calculated mixture of diversity will yield appropriately melodramatic results (although one could argue that if you put any six lesbians in a house together, even if they’re relatively similar by reality-show standards, melodrama is still absolutely guaranteed to occur).

However, based on my own life, I would recommend that if the “Real L Word” producers really want hilarity to ensue, they should consider this list instead:

• The fast-talking Asian
• The old-school dyke with stories to tell
• The (charmingly) surly lump
• The hard-drinking rugby player
• The straight-girl-seducer
• The lezbro*

*Not technically a lesbian, but would definitely aid and abet dyke drama.

In fact, I could provide Showtime with a list of specific names of people that they should fly out here for “The Real L Word: Seattle”.  They could rent us a luxury house on the sound, stock the cabinets with tequila, and let the cameras roll.  And when it got rainy, the Seasonal Affective Disorder would kick in in for added moodiness!  Only one tiny little contract stipulation: NO ILENE!

Think Jane Lynch would want to dabble in directing?